Monday, January 3, 2011

My predictions for 2011

In addition to debuting her own cable network, Oprah Winfrey will start her own space program, invent a new vegetable, and occupy Asia.

Hugh Hefner and new bride Crystal will call it quits after only three months when she realizes he’s apt to last out the year.

Inspired by Hef, Larry King will propose to Miranda Cosgrove.

The NBA will try to sell itself as a family sport while every player in the league has at least twenty tattoos.

Natalie Portman will be in every movie released this year.

President Obama will try to improve his approval rating by declaring he’s really a vampire.

Hollywood studios, in a desperate attempt to keep the comic book super hero craze alive will release THE GREEN HORNET, CAPTAIN AMERICA, X-MEN, THOR, and CULLIGAN MAN.

No one will care who becomes this year’s AMERICAN IDOL. Or which hundred guys Kim Kardashian dates.

BLUE VALENTINE will be a big hit, not because it’s a searing look into the state of marriage but because there’s a Michelle Williams oral sex scene.

The only difference between Mel Gibson and Michael Vick in 2011 is that Michael Vick will be able to find work.

MTV will reach a point where they will have no music programming at all. CNN will pick up the slack.

When iPhones are available on Verizon there will be a mass exodus of AT&T customers. So much so that Verizon will be overwhelmed and their service will suck.

When Charlie Sheen makes a hotel reservation he will be required to bring his own furniture.

The Detroit Tigers will win the American League Central.

Every time I mention Sarah Palin and the fact that she’s a blithering idiot and disgrace I will receive hate comments from overly-sensitive readers.

In a very special episode of CSI, Laurence Fishburne will move.

There will be people asking the clerk at Borders if the book-on-tape of the Mark Twain autobiography is read by the author.

Katy Perry and Lady Gaga will swap wardrobes.

The toughest race in this year’s Oscars will be Best Actress.

The easiest will be Best Supporting Actor. Christian Bale.

I will be coming out with two books this year. The first one very soon.

For security purposes the Prince William/Kate Middleton wedding will be moved to Leonard’s of Great Neck.

Every team will make the NBA playoffs except the Clippers.

Electric cars will finally be embraced by the public now that extra-long extension cords come standard with the car.

Vince Vaughn will guest on MIKE & MOLLY as Mike’s heavier brother.

The Pittsburgh Pirates will be greatly improved and will not be mathematically eliminated until after the All-Star Break.

Lindsay Lohan will experiment with electric wine enemas.

Since this is the kind of stuff I post on Twitter I will get three new followers this year.

The networks will develop ten “GLEE” type shows and none will get on the schedule. KU KLUX KARAOKE will come closest.

Sarah Palin will announce that she plans to run for president in 2012 and that her running mate will be Snooki Polizzi.

There will not be a GULLIVER’S TRAVELS 2.

Good news for travelers:  Chernobyl reopens for tourism.  See the most horrific nuclear power plant disaster in history.  Items in the gift shop will be unrecognizable.  

Keith Olbermann’s head will get so large they’ll have to shoot his close ups from across the street.

There will be more accidents in SPIDERMAN: THE MUSICAL than in all the meth labs in the world combined.

According to religious nut Harold Camping, the world will end on October 21st.  Make sure your CD's mature by then. 

We will wonder how we all lived before AppleTV.

Even though Cliff Lee didn’t sign with the Yankees for more money, he will scrape by with the $120 million he did receive from the Phillies.

I will be blogging for another year... whether anyone wants me to or not.

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