CBS likes to franchise its hits. CSI begat CSI:MIAMI and CSI: NEW YORK. NCIS begat NCIS: LOS ANGELES. Well fear not GOOD WIFE fans. I am proposing a series to the Eye network that they can not turn down. THE GOOD WIFE: CALIFORNIA, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver.
I haven’t finished writing the pilot script yet, but here’s a sample of what I’ve got.
EXT. SCHWARZENEGGER KITCHEN (BRENTWOOD) – NIGHT
Arnold and Maria seem to be in the middle of a discussion.
MARIA: You did what?!
ARNOLD: Don’t be mad.
MARIA: Don’t be mad?! Don’t be mad?! You had a child with our housekeeper?!
ARNOLD: Little Thor was an accident. Usually when they say they’re on the pill I make them show me.
MARIA: Usually?! Jesus! How many were there?
ARNOLD: Okay, I’m not helping myself here. This isn’t fair, Maria. You know I need to be coached before answering questions.
MARIA: Were there any other kids?
ARNOLD: Maybe Bristol but I don’t think so.
MARIA: Bristol Palin is your daughter?!
ARNOLD: No. Highly unlikely. Sarah took the pill each day and kept a record of it. She showed me. Right there on her hand.
MARIA: Our housekeeper. You fucked our housekeeper, had a child with her, and I helped raise him.
ARNOLD: Please. You can understand why I didn’t thank you.
MARIA: Our housekeeper. A woman who lived under my roof for twenty years! Do you know how insulting that is to me? How utterly reprehensible?
ARNOLD: Yes, but look at how clean everything is.
MARIA: So how long has this relationship between you two been going on?
ARNOLD: I ended it when I became governor.
MARIA: Oh, getting into office suddenly made you develop a conscience?
ARNOLD: Well, in a way, yes. Interns work so hard and get so few perks.
MARIA: Aw, Christ! You were fucking interns?
ARNOLD: It’s nice to be in a position to help young people. Do you know how frustrating it was for me in Hollywood? To promise parts to these actresses and not be able to deliver? At least as governor I can make these bright ambitious women local mayors or the heads of state agencies. It’s like a cloud of guilt has been lifted from my shoulders.
MARIA: I want a divorce.
ARNOLD: What? Why? Over this?
MARIA: Yes!! I mothered your children! Even the ones I didn’t know about! And I gave up NBC for you! If it wasn’t for you I could be Ann Curry today! Or at least Carson Daly!
ARNOLD: Hey, I’m returning to my old career. So can you.
MARIA: THE TERMINATOR? You’re making another TERMINATOR? The way to squelch the human resistance is to send a 63-year old cyborg back in time? Who’s your arch villain this time? Rocky?
ARNOLD: What have I possibly done to make you say such mean and hurtful things?
MARIA: Goodbye. I’m taking the kids and leaving.
ARNOLD: Okay. Fine. But be forewarned: you’re going to be in for a big nasty ugly custody battle.
MARIA: Are you kidding me? The judge will probably give me Thor too.
Maria storms out. Arnold makes himself a sandwich, as we: