Monday, March 21, 2011

Has-been Apprentice

Maybe the saddest show in the history of television is CELEBRITY APPRENTICE. This is entertainment on the same level as watching a dog try to eat a caramel. We see F-list celebrities so desperate to remain in the public eye that they subject themselves to nationwide humiliation. Any trace of dignity these people once had they gladly forfeit to be on television. Now granted, in some cases like Gary Busey, so what? The man has lost his mind. Dignity is not an issue. How to hold utensils to eat food is.

The celebrities (and I use that term in the loosest possible sense) claim they’re only doing the show to support their favorite charities. And that’s certainly admirable, but who are we kidding? Meryl Streep and George Clooney are very committed to charities, you don’t see them in the boardroom trading insults with Jose Canseco.

I look at the list of celebrities and don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

GARY BUSEY – A one-time fine actor now reduced to a cautionary tale for why you should always wear a helmet on a motorcycle.

DAVID CASSIDY – Former teen throb who now dyes his hair a color not found in nature. Was Richard Hatch's bitch in like eleven minutes .  Already fired.

NENE LEAKES – How many of you are going who??? NeNe Leakes was one of the REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA. This apparently qualifies her for stardom. Don’t be surprised to see her hosting the Oscars next year.

RICHARD HATCH -- Winner of the first SURVIVOR. He was later inducted into the SURVIVOR HALL OF FAME. Be sure to visit it the next time you’re on the Cook Islands. Ultimate reality show weasel. Spent three years in a federal pen for tax evasion.  How do you declare to the government you have no money when you win a million dollars on national TV?  And now he's serving another nine months for the same thing.  Soon to be inducted into the MORON HALL OF FAME. 

MARLEE MATLIN – A former Oscar winner. Way too classy to be included in this bunch. It’s only a matter of time before one of the other nut case women complains that “Marlee doesn’t listen.”

JOE CANSECO – Certifiable. I speak from first-hand experience. I was hosting a talk show on KABC radio about a year ago and had Jose on as my guest. The show was live. I introduced him by saying he was ostracized by baseball but his charges of steroid use proved to be true. So I was hardly a hostile host. I asked him what he would say to those who still doubt his claims and he said, “I’d say they’re fucking assholes and they can kiss my fucking ass.” He continued on this blue rant and of course I cut him off. Thank goodness for the ten second delay. What was he thinking? It’s not like he’s never been interviewed before. And it’s not like anyone forced him to do the interview. He’s completely out of his mind. Just the kind of person you put on national television.

LA TOYA JACKSON – What about that family is not sad?

HOPE DWORACZYK – Former Playmate of the Year. Has the distinction of being Playboy’s first 3D centerfold. Not a lot of people know the face but she has the most recognizable vagina in America.

LISA RINNA – Actress best known for being married to Harry Hamlin and now having too much work done. Already fired.

MEAT LOAF – Much too talented to be doing this shit. Not just a terrific singer but a damn good actor. Instead of running around trying to sell pizzas he should be interviewing new agents.

LIL JON – Hip hop artists often associate with the wrong crowd. This is proof of it.

NIKKI TAYLOR – It says in the NBC bio: She began modeling at the age of 14 and immediately captured the heart of America with her girl-next-door charm and undeniable beauty. Today she has huge tattoos running up her left arm. The biker chick next door. Of all the women she seems the brightest and most down-to-earth.   Fired last night.

STAR JONES – Nightmare. And of course she has her little doggie, too. LSD bad trip nightmare.

JOHN RICH -- Country star. It's either this gig or Six Flags Over Texas. 

DIONNE WARWICK – This is the saddest of all. Dionne Warwick is music royalty. She’s an icon. A treasure. And she’s 70 years-old. We shouldn’t see her struggle to learn how to use a cash register. Let her drugged out niece, Whitney Houston do that.

Beyond the celebrities, the show is the exact same as its always been. Inane tasks tied into shameless product placement, interview segments where contestants either boast about themselves and take shots at others, and Donald Trump in the boardroom acting like he has the biggest dick in the room, even though we all know Star Jones has Trump trumped. 

Let me know how the season goes. I won’t be watching. But the week Jose Canseco kills somebody on camera please send me the YouTube link.

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