Confessions of a pathetic TV addict

I’ve never been a fanatical TV viewer. I’ve never been obsessed over a television show. I’ve never been a Trekkie, a Gleek, or whatever the BATTLESTAR GALLICTICA crazies call themselves. I loved LOST but never built a hatch in my backyard. I was a huge fan of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW but never constructed the WJM newsroom in my dorm.

I have favorite shows, like THE SOPRANOS and MAD MEN but when they’ve completed their runs for the year I have a wistful pang for eleven minutes then move on with my life.

But not this year. This year I fear I will need to check myself into the Betty Ford Center for Pathetic Viewers. Everything seems so empty, so meaningless. My life has no direction. I have no idea how to fill my days. It’s the existential crisis I did not dare to even consider.

What do I do now that THE GOOD WIFE and JUSTIFIED are wrapping up for the season?

Yes, that’s right. Two shows. I’ve gone from no shows to two. And that makes it almost the perfect storm of epic one-hour-drama-deprivation.

People try to comfort me. They tell me a new season of BURN NOTICE is starting. And COVERT AFFAIRS is coming back. As is WHITE COLLAR. That doesn’t help. Those are just guilty pleasures. Piper Perabo in a cat suit shooting people is not the same as Julianna Margulies preparing briefs.

HAWTHORNE is returning (for some inexplicable reason). And some well-meaning nimrod suggested DROP DEAD DIVA. They just don’t understand.

JUSTIFIED and THE GOOD WIFE have been absolutely captivating this year. Best television in years.  I’d give Emmys to everyone involved (other than Christine Baranaski).

So what do I do? There aren’t GOOD WIFE conventions. I certainly can’t dress up like Alicia Florrick. I could wear a cowboy hat like Raylan Givens but on me it would look stupider than if I wore one of Alicia’s dresses. I guess to get my JUSTIFIED fix I could vacation in Harlan County, Kentucky, but no Jew has done that since 1937.

Oh well. I guess I’ll just wander around aimlessly. Maybe there will be GOOD WIFE action figures.  And perhaps I’ll stumble upon JUSTIFIED “ignorant hillbilly assholes” coloring books.

Mostly, I’ll just be envying you – you who haven’t seen these two remarkable television series. Because you can spend the summer watching the DVD’s and catching up. You can get swept away by the rich characters, engrossed in the sophisticated storylines, chuckle at the moments of humor (I laugh more in those shows than 95% of today’s current sitcoms), and marvel at the superb acting. Think of me, sitting alone in my basement, trying to construct a moonshine still.

But WARNING: Both of these shows are highly addictive and one year from today you too will be on the GOOD WIFE and JUSTIFIED websites, playing endless trivia games, collecting badges, moving up the leaderboard, and changing your wallpaper – replacing your kids with Raylan & Winona.

JUSTIFIED ended its season last Wednesday. THE GOOD WIFE’S season finale is May 17th. So I only have one week. I must make every moment count.

Double-dating with Sinatra

Here are a couple of excerpts from the book I'm still writing about growing up in the '60s in the San Fernando Valley.  It's 1965 and I'm in high school.

Meanwhile, willowy 19-year-old actress Mia Farrow began dating a “real” senior – Frank Sinatra. He was 49 at the time. It would have been great to double date with them. Maybe go to the Friday night Taft football game, and grab a pizza at Shakey’s. You know what else Frank would like? A popular activity among the in crowd was TPing someone’s home. That meant showering the house with streams of toilet paper. I can just imagine Frank tossing a roll, saying this house looked vaguely familiar and then realizing, “Hey, this is where the kidnappers held my son!”

School rivalries were big in the San Fernando Valley, especially in the fall when football reigned supreme. Taft had two rivals – Canoga Park High and Birmingham High. Canoga was our nearest competitor. They had an older stucco campus and a much rougher, uh… diverse population. Families routinely avoided buying homes within Canoga Park High’s district just to spare their kids from having to be enrolled there. The rivalry would have been bigger had we not been scared shitless to set foot on the Canoga campus.

So we needed another rival more our socio-economic level. Birmingham High in Encino fit the bill. Good football program and instead of knife fights you just had Jews taunting each other that their temples had superior air conditioning.

It usually came down to Taft vs. Birmingham and this year the big game was held there, in their gleaming new stadium. The P.A. announcer was Dick Van Dyke whose son was a member of the “Braves.” Then they were the “Braves”; now they’re the “Patriots” – don’t you just love political correctness?

We won the big game and the West Valley title. Our road to the City Championship ended however in the first playoff game when Dorsey High from South-Central beat us by 50 points. 300-pound future NFL stars proved to be a tougher challenge than Dick Van Dyke’s offspring.

****  

1965 was really the last year of the 1950’s. We still thought and acted like we were in The Donna Reed Show or Ozzie and Harriet. There was an innocence that steadfastly persisted despite pesky flashes of reality – riots, a war, civil unrest, drugs, teen rebellion.

We boomers were growing more and more uneasy, to the point where we had to finally take action. We sang. My generation could not have a thought or a feeling or bowel movement without singing about it. So out of this unrest came “the protest song”. Bob Dylan and Joan Baez were the vanguards, but the tune that perhaps had the biggest impact was “Eve of Destruction” by Barry McGuire. Barry McGuire had been the lead singer of The New Christy Minstrels, a wholesome collection of apple-cheeked young goody-gooders who sang about hayrides and gooseberry preserves. McGuire veered somewhat from the Hootenanny by singing a tale of imminent world doom. Within weeks it was the number one record in the country. Written by P.F. Sloan, these were the catchy lyrics we were all singing along with:

The eastern world, it is exploding
Violence flarin', bullets loadin'
You're old enough to kill, but not for votin'
You don't believe in war, but what's that gun you're totin'
And even the Jordan River has bodies floatin'


But you tell me
Over and over and over again, my friend
Ah, you don't believe
We're on the eve
of destruction.


Don't you understand what I'm tryin' to say
Can't you feel the fears I'm feelin' today?
If the button is pushed, there's no runnin' away
There'll be no one to save, with the world in a grave
[Take a look around ya boy, it's bound to scare ya boy]


And you tell me
Over and over and over again, my friend
Ah, you don't believe
We're on the eve
of destruction.

That gives you an idea of the terror and foreboding fear we all lived with every single day… although it wasn’t so terrifying that we didn’t buy the record and dance to it at parties.

Animated version of my imagined Pirates confab with studio head

Thanks to fan-of-the-blog, Jonathan Ernst, who made this animated version of my imagined conversation with a studio head on being offered to write the new version of PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN.

Pirates of the Caribbean -- arrgh!!

In anticipation of the opening later this month of PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 17, my daughter Annie put together a “Pirate Paaaarrr-ty”. She invited a bunch of friends to watch a marathon – the first three PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEANS, along with home baked pirate snacks and decorations. Even my Bob’s Big Boy got into the spirit.

The first installment was a hoot. Johnny Depp’s take on Captain Jack Sparrow was fun and unique – more of a “swishbuckler” than “swashbuckler”. Orlando Bloom was dashing, and it’s always entertaining to see Keira Knightley kidnapped. Sure, there’s a certain suspension of belief. I can’t believe Keira Knightley would be held captive by the pirates and not passed around like a joint. But that’s movie magic. I enjoyed the film in the theater and this weekend as well on DVD.

POTC 2 was an utter mess. Saw that in the theater and found it such a trainwreck I never bothered to see POTC 3. When 2 originally came out I reviewed it in my blog. Here’s the full review, but here’s just a sample:

But my big problem was this – what the fuck was going on?? There’s this ship of slime pirates, and then a map, and a bad guy from the last movie gets hired on the ship, and Keira Knightley is stowing away on another ship, and then some Voodoo lady who’s been eating licorice offers cryptic advice, and there’s a dice game that makes no sense, and Keira’s dress is floating in the water and that is supposed to mean something, and Orlando Bloom’s clothes never get dirty, and they capture a little monkey for some reason, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon visits Jack one night, and Jonathon Pryce complains about wearing a wig, and it’s real important Jack keeps a jar of dirt, and there’s a three-way sword fight between Jack, Orlando Bloom and the bad guy from the last movie where they’re all accusing each other of things more confusing than any BIG SLEEP plot point… etc.

So I skipped the screening of POTC 2. But came back for some of 3, just out of curiosity. I had no earthly idea what was going on. Neither did the others in the room and they all had SEEN this movie at least once before.

The pirates are in a dead world and there are three Jack Sparrows and they sink the ship and hang underwater for several hours until it’s dawn, which rights the ships somehow and they’re back in the real world. There’s a Pirate national convention for some reason and everyone follows these rules that they make up as they go along. Geoffrey Rush, who was killed in the first one, inexplicably comes back in this one. And all he does is eat green apples. Keira Knightley goes from damsel in distress to kick-ass action hero and finally, king of the pirates. That's pretty impressive for someone who weighs 80 pounds.  There are Asian pirates, African pirates, living corpse pirates, and I think I saw some of Captain Hook’s men, too. Licorice voodoo woman grows to 50 feet and then explodes into a thousand coconuts for no reason at all. Just an utter mess.

The next sequel is the prequel we’re told. This time with no Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom, which tells me they’re the only two actors who asked to read a script first. But Keith Richards is back. He’s the only actor who can play a pirate without having to get into costume and make-up.

So I imagined a scene if I were asked to write PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4. This is me and the studio executive.

ME: After three movies and practically nine hours, what pirate genre moment hasn’t been done?

STUDIO EXEC: It doesn’t matter.

ME: The franchise is already getting extremely repetitious.

STUDIO EXEC: It doesn’t matter.

ME: And what was once fresh is now just a series of clichés.

STUDIO EXEC: It doesn’t matter.

ME:  But you'll get terrible reviews.


STUDIO EXEC: It doesn't matter.

ME: No one can follow the story.

STUDIO EXEC: It doesn’t matter.

ME: If this next installment is the prequel, hasn’t the audience already been told everything that’s going to happen?

STUDIO EXEC: It doesn’t matter.

ME: And won’t the fans of the series feel cheated without Keira and Orlando?

STUDO EXEC: It doesn’t matter.

ME: I see you have a new director, Rob Marshall. Isn’t he known for staging musicals and big dance numbers not action?

STUDIO EXEC: It doesn’t matter.

ME: Well then, hell. What does matter?

STUDIO EXEC: We make $500 million and keep the lines long at Disneyland.  Nothing you've brought up will have any effect on that. 

ME:  Well, I'm an artist.  I have integrity.  I can't do this.


STUDIO EXEC:  Here's what I'd pay you.

(HE WRITES A NUMBER DOWN ON A SCRAP OF PAPER AND SHOWS IT TO ME.)

ME: I can have the screenplay for you in two weeks.


STUDIO EXEC:  There might be even more sequels involved.

ME:  It doesn't matter.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4 – Opens May 20th.  Great Paaaaar-ty, Annie. Jack Sparrow would send many lily-livered scum down to Davy Jones Locker just for a bite of your cupcakes.

Happy Mama's Day

This is my favorite mother joke. Actually it's a mother-in-law joke and it comes from the very politically incorrect but screamingly funny AMOS & ANDY SHOW. I believe this was written by Mosher & Connelly (who went on to create LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and THE MUNSTERS).

The Kingfish sets up a blind date for "Mama". Hoping the poor guy would like her and take her off of his hands he arranges for Mama to go to the beauty parlor. He's talking to the hair stylist, describing Mama. He says (and I'm paraphrasing), "Picture a grapefruit that's been out at sea. And it washes ashore, all covered with seaweed and crabs. Now it sits in the sun for a couple of weeks and gets all wrinkly and rotted and bugs are now flying around it. Can you picture that?" The hairstylist says "Uh huh." And the Kingfish says, "Good. If you can make her look that good I'd be satisfied!"

A Queen Mother's Day treat

When the Queen Mother passed away there was an on-line bulletin board set up.  These are some of my favorite comments.  Happy Mother's Day.

"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover".

L.J.Worthington,Penrith.

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"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"

W.Waugh, Richmond.

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"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until her majesty is buried"

E. Gorman, Derbyshire.

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"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too".

A.Christie,Hendon.

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"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit"

J.Clement. Grantham.

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"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"

D.Holmes, Somerset.

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"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though, it was sickening".

B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.

--------------------------------

"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".

S.Wilson, Bristol.

---------------------------------

"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual".

J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.

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"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs". E. Franks, Cheshire.

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"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".

T.Watson, Ilford.

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"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public duties".

N. Wallace, Swansea.

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"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event"

E. Thompson, West Lothian.

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"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin."

R. Thompson, Bath.

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"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".

G.Williams, West Midlands.

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"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am".

L. Weller, Harlow.

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"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless bastard!"

J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.

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"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort"

T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.

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"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".

Y. Howell, Slough.

Just in time for Mother's Day -- the latest MILF survey!

Compliments of Yahoo, here is the latest survey on who is the hottest celebrity mom (MILF), hottest Celebrity Baby Bump (MILF), Celebrity Mom Most Men would like to uh... date (MILF, who we kidding?), etc.

How do their answers stack up to yours?  Personally I think Angelina Jolie is a skank she's not on any of my lists at all.  Nor is Jewel, Madonna, or Snooki.  

Some of these are categories and nominees are just absurd.  Why bother to create comedy when I can just report it?  

So the results are in.  What do you think? 

Hottest Celebrity Mom:
Angelina Jolie (26%)
Halle Berry (25%)
Jennifer Lopez (21%)
Heidi Klum (12%)
Sofia Vergara (7%)
Gisele Bundchen (5%)
Kendra Wilkinson (4%)


Hottest Celebrity Baby Bump:
Jessica Alba (37%)
Natalie Portman (22%)
Kate Hudson (19%)
Victoria Beckham (9%)
Pink (9%)
Jewel (4%)


Celebrity Mom Men Would Most Want To Date:
Sandra Bullock (33%)
Halle Berry (27%)
Denise Richards (12%)
Kate Winslet (12%)
Ashlee Simpson (11%)
Michelle Williams (4%)


Celebrity Mom You’d Most Want To Be Your Mom:
Sandra Bullock (43%)
Michelle Obama (18%)
Angelina Jolie (16%)
Gwyneth Paltrow (12%)
Madonna (8%)
Kris Jenner (3%)

*Where's Debbie Reynolds?

Celebrity Mom You’d Turn To For Advice:
Hillary Clinton (28%)
Reese Witherspoon (18%)
Jada Pinkett Smith (16%)
Catherine Zeta-Jones (13%)
Jennifer Garner (12%)
Courteney Cox (6%)
Angie Harmon (6%)
Kris Jenner (2%)

*I notice Sarah Palin didn't make this list


Celebrity Mom With The Best Style
Halle Berry (26%)
Jennifer Lopez (25%)
Gwen Stefani (13%)
Michelle Obama (12%)
Katie Holmes (8%)
Kourtney Kardashian (7%)
Jennifer Hudson (5%)
Kate Moss (4%)

*Only survey where Michelle Obama  will ever be in the same category as Kourtney Kardashian.

Celebrity Mom With Best Post-Baby Body:
Penelope Cruz (52%)
Kourtney Kardashian (21%)
Kendra Wilkinson (19%)
Miranda Kerr (8%)



Celebrity Mom You’d Most Want To Hit The Town With:
Gwen Stefani (28%)
Christina Aguilera (28%)
Madonna (21%)
Kendra Wilkinson (17%)
Kris Jenner (6%)

*For those who like their MILFs inebriated.  


Celebrity Non-Mom You Wouldn’t Want To See With Your Children:
Lindsay Lohan (39%)
Snooki (29%)
Paris Hilton (20%)
Miley Cyrus (7%)
Kim Kardashian (5%)

*In either PEOPLE magazine or on TMZ.

Celebrity Mom You Would Never Let Babysit Your Children:
Britney Spears (31%)
Courtney Love (26%)
Octomom (24%)
Dina Lohan (7%)
Kate Gosselin (7%)
Christina Aguilera (3%)
Ashlee Simpson (2%)

*This is a trick question prepared by the Child Protective Services".

Celebrity Mom You Would Most Want A Play Date With You And Your Children:
Jennifer Garner (29%)
Angelina Jolie (26%)
Jennifer Lopez (24%)
Gwen Stefani (9%)
Nicole Richie (5%)
Madonna (4%)
Kourtney Kardashian (4%)

*In another words, "MILF with the most reliable housekeeper"