Some random thoughts even though no one asked me.

What’s the difference between the CMA Awards and the ACM Awards?

Whatever happened to Bridget Fonda?

Congratulations to U. Conn for winning the worst NCAA Championship Game in history.  I'd watch 24 and Jack Bauer would be running, dodging thousands of bullets and I'd think -- nobody could shoot that badly.  And then I watched Butler.   

Big controversy: Natalie Portman did very little of her own dancing in BLACK SWAN. So says the ballerina who claims she did all the dancing and they just digitized Natalie’s head on her body. And they wanted her to keep quiet about it so it wouldn’t hurt Natalie’s Oscar chances. The film’s choreographer denies the charge. Of course, he’s the one who knocked up Natalie Portman. But this presents a bigger issue. The digitizing was so skillful that you couldn’t tell the difference. So why not employ that trickery with other movies? Why not remake every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie with Nathan Fillion’s head and performance?

On Saturday, Boston Red Sox pitcher Jon Lackey lost to the Texas Rangers. This was his postgame quote: "Well, I felt good out there. I really thought I threw the ball well, just a couple of seeing eye singles turned into outs and we're having a different conversation. This game could easily have gone either way". Lackey pitched 3 2/3 innings, gave up nine runs and ten hits including three doubles, two triples, and two home runs. Yeah, those seeing-eye 400 foot home runs can really kill ya.

Rock has Lady Gaga, Country has Lady Antebellum, and joggers have Lady Foot Locker.

I could see Donald Trump as our president. The Israelis want our support. The Palestinians want our support. Okay, a group of six from each side has to sell pizzas for twelve hours one day in Times Square. Whoever sells the most gets our aid and Titan missiles.

On Saturday the Colorado Rockies hosted the Arizona Diamondbacks.  It was 84 degrees.  Sunday's game was snowed out.  

Buy my book. (Notice how my plugs are getting shorter?)

Charlie Sheen got booed off the stage last weekend in Detroit. Largely because he was completely incoherent. Afterwards, of course, he took no responsibility. Chuck Lorre brainwashed the audience and if just a couple of those seeing-eye singles turned into outs it would have been a completely different performance.

Whoever becomes the next American Idol will not sell a third as many downloads as Rebecca Black's “Friday”.

IN TREATMENT might be back for another season on HBO but in a different format. No longer will Dr. Paul Weston (Gabriel Byrne) be conducting marathon therapy sessions. Without that I’m not sure what the show is. Dr. Weston solves crimes? Dr. Weston becomes the psychiatric advisor for a new Broadway show going up – SHUTTER ISLAND: THE MUSICAL and we get to see a lot of singing and dancing? Dr. Weston replaces Charlie Sheen on TWO AND A HALF MEN?

I’ll be helping out later this month on Phoef Sutton’s CBS pilot. Good luck to all the writer-creators of pilots currently in production. Three years ago a veteran comedy writer (not me, honest) helped out on a pilot, almost single-handedly turning it around – solving the story and providing inspired jokes. The show got picked up to series and the showrunner naturally wanted to hire this veteran writer. The network wouldn’t approve him.

DreamWorks is changing the release date of its animated feature, THE CROODS from March 1, 2013 to March 22, 2013. Damn! I had dinner plans on March 22,2013.

ESPN will be on hand for the Giants’ home opener. They specifically want to show the hoisting of the world championship flag. If I were the Giants I would have my announcer, Jon Miller, do the hoisting. Let ESPN show that. Jon, a spectacular broadcaster, was fired by ESPN after 21 years of service. And, for good measure, they did it the year he was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Meanwhile, I'll be up in Seattle for the Mariners' home opener this Friday night.  In honor of the M's beloved announcer Dave Niehaus who passed away last November, I'll be wearing white shoes.  Dave always wore white shoes.  Who the hell sells white shoes?   Is there a Superfly Men's Warehouse in LA anywhere?

Good news! Matthew Weiner has signed to do three more seasons of MAD MEN. That should take them to the early ‘70s when Sally sleeps with weird Glen for killing her mother.

And I'll leave you with this.

Should you keep a joke that only three people in America will get?

Comedy writing legend Jerry Belson once pitched a very obscure joke during a CHEERS rewrite. One of the Charles Brothers said, “Jerry, only three people in America are going to get that” to which Jerry said, “That’s good enough for me!”

A common question that all comedy writers ask from time to time is whether a particular reference is too obscure to get a laugh. The downside of course is that the joke bombs; the good side is that if it works it really works because the reference is so out of leftfield.

On MASH we called them “Three percenters”. We would make mention of an arcane actor from the ‘40s knowing most people would have no idea who he is (or was). But our thinking was this: a) we crammed so many jokes into an episode that if you didn’t get it, another one was coming two seconds later, b) we sprinkled in very few of these, and c) they added to the ambience and helped set the time period (much the same way as vintage wardrobe and hairstyles do).

I notice “Three percenters” from time to time on COMMUNITY. There will be quick pop culture references or lines of dialog from movies slipped in. Not everyone will get them. My sense is the producers know that and don’t care. They’re writing for a very specific audience. But here’s the key: specific but large.

Or at least large enough.  HOT IN CLEVELAND is designed for baby boomers.  TV LAND doesn't expect as large an audience as NBC but they do want a specific demographic.   And if you're 55 and have trouble with COMMUNITY and not get that an episode is spoofing RESERVOIR DOGS, you'll so welcome a show that makes a Twiggy joke.   

As always, it comes down to “know your target audience”. If you’re writing a spec it’s easier with an existing show. By watching astutely you can determine the level of their references. A Charlie Sheen joke might work on 30 ROCK but I wouldn’t do one on MIKE & MOLLY.

But what happens when you’re writing a pilot?  All bets are off.  Now there are no guidelines. Should you do that Sarah Clarke/TWILIGHT gag?   In general I would say this: agents, managers, executives – the people who will be reading your pilot – are by and large in their thirties. I think that gives you a lot of leeway – way more than you had when they were all in their forties and fifties. They probably know who Sarah Clarke is and they certainly know what TWILIGHT is.  So I wouldn’t self-censor yourself too much. Yes, you always run the risk that a reader might not get a reference and feel you’re belittling them (doing a joke that’s over their head), and to load your script with obtuse gags is insane, but comedy is about taking chances. So go for it. Maybe Jerry Belson was right. If the three people that get the joke are agents you’re submitting to, that is good enough for you.

Netflix Pick of the month: IRON GIANT

As a kid I used to love animated movies. Of course, in those days that primarily meant Disney… with the occasional full-length Mr. Magoo. That all changed when I had kids. After THE LITTLE MERMAID seemed to revive the genre there was a glut of animated features and I schlepped my kids to see many a RAINBOW BRIGHT and LAST UNICORN. They better not say bad things about me to their therapists EVER!!

Now it takes Pixar, great reviews, or the assurance that Jerry Seinfeld will not be involved to get me in to see a ninety-minute cartoon.

There is one animated film I always heard was great but never got around to seeing. (Okay, I’ll be honest, I never made the effort.) Recently “Ken’s Damn Friend” was praising it, even offering to lend me the DVD. I noticed it was on HBO this week so I set my Tivo. All I can say is “Wow!”

If you haven’t seen THE IRON GIANT you’ve got to check it out. Released in 1999 by Warner Brothers, it was directed by Brad Bird (of THE INCREDIBLES and RATATOUILLE fame) and is as smart, funny, and poignant as his other brilliant features.

Set in 1957 at the height of the Cold War, paranoia, and bad black-and-white science fiction movie craze (scaring the shit out of kids for a total budget of $11.95 per film), THE IRON GIANT tells the deceptively simple story of a giant robot that lands on earth from outer space and is befriended by a little boy. It’s ET, meets SUPERMAN RETURNS meets THE TRANSFORMERS but without the treacle of the first, the Jesus theme of the second, and Michael Bay of the third. Along the way there are the usual great little Brad Bird attention-to-detail touches (like “Duck and Cover” films, the old Maypo cereal commercial, and the kid even looks like Howdy Doody).

You may be saying, “Well, if it’s so good why wasn’t it a big hit?” Because there’s something more frightening than Commies or aliens – the Warner Brothers marketing department. Instead of promoting this gem of a film, the WB marketing idiots put all their time, effort, and money into launching WILD WILD WEST (and we all know how terrific THAT film was).

THE IRON GIANT received a lot of awards, great reviews, even greater exit polls and quickly disappeared. Fortunately Brad Bird has been able to find other work.

IRON GIANT. It brings new meaning to “heavy metal”.

My idiot comment of the week

And of course it's from Anonymous.  Wow.  He sure put me in my place!


screw u. Just another media wannnabee loser. If you want to succeed lose the tired old memes. But you won't cause you are a liberal loser. Go hang out on CNN or worse yet MSNBC where you will never be seen again.

International Marketing fiascos.

In making reference earlier in the week to marketing disasters, I came across some famous campaign slogans and names that didn’t translate all that well to foreign markets. Check these out.

Chevy Nova did not sell well in South and Central America. “No va” means “it doesn’t go” in Spanish.

Coors had a translation problem with their “Turn It Loose” campaign. In Spanish it means “Suffer From Diarrhea”.  Although that could just be truth in advertising.

The Spanish language was no friend to chicken czar Frank Perdue. His slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" translated to "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

More Spanish: When Parker Pen introduced a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The ads really read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

“Mist” is slang for “manure” in German. So Clairol’s “Mist Stick” didn’t have the desired effect.

In China, Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave”. And it’s refreshing!

Finally,  this was my favorite: When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with that cute baby on the label. Trouble is, in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read. Yum!!

Me on the radio acting insane in 1976

An aircheck of me as Beaver Cleaver on B100 San Diego from 1976 is playing now (11-12 EDT) and again from 11-12 PDT on GreatBigRadio.com.   Thanks to Howard Hoffman and Rob Frankel.  So stagger back to 1976 for better boogie.

My year living with Candice Bergan

Picture I took of Candace Bergen in our backyard

Here are some Friday Questions.

Fanboy69 gets us started.

How did you break into movies after writing for television?

Dumb luck. Steven Spielberg saw an episode of THE JEFFERSONS my partner and I wrote and thought it was the best written half-hour he had ever seen. Needless to say, we were SHOCKED. He arranged a meeting and asked if we had any ideas for a movie. I had always wanted to write something based on an uncle of mine who pretty much led a double life. Stevie liked the idea so David and I created Indiana Jones and wrote RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARC. That led to VOLUNTEERS which led to MANNEQUIN.

Lyn B. wants to know:

Of all the actresses you have known, who’s your favorite?

Professionally? I’d have to say Nancy Travis. Personally – and this was before my marriage – I had a fling with Candice Bergan. We lived together for about a year. This was in the late ‘60s/early ‘70s. What can I say? Both our fathers were ventriloquists and we both loved sex.

Anonymous asks (note: please leave your name):

I’ve written three scripts that I’m really proud of. I feel they’re good enough that I can submit them to agents. I suppose I should include a cover letter. What I don't know is what should I say in the cover letter?

Yes, you definitely should include a cover letter. And you need to grab his attention. I would say this:

Dear (whoever),

I’m seeking representation and am submitting three scripts. But I’ll be honest. I’m not yet sold on you. As you’ll see once you’ve read my material (and by the way, you have 48 hours), I will be your meal ticket. As such, I don’t like the idea of competing with other clients for your time. I require 100% commitment and attention. This might mean you have to let a few clients go. So be it. Talent trumps loyalty. I look forward to your campaign to try to sign me.

He'll remember you, that's for sure!  Best of luck.  

And finally, from Georgia Peach:

I bought your book, WHERE THE HELL AM I? TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED and I literally can’t stop laughing. OMG!   If I get a heart attack it’s your fault. My question is: are you going to be in Atlanta any time soon to have a book signing?

Thanks, Georgia for the nice words. To be honest, I don’t really need to go out on a book tour. I’ve sold 250,000 copies on the internet just this month. Happy to say, it’s the biggest selling travel humor book in history. Meanwhile, I’m currently number three on Amazon’s Best-Selling Non-Fiction list and number four on the New York Times. I’ve been approached to go on Oprah, which is HUGE, so I’m concentrating on that for the moment. There is, unbelievably, a Ken Levine fan club and they’ve begun emailing update newsletters three times weekly. So sign up for that and you’ll be the first to know when I finally do go out on a book tour.

What’s your question? Have a nice weekend and a great April 1st.