helen mirren bikini

Defiant Helen Mirren arrives on the set of Phil Spector film following warnings to pull out or face 'serious consequences'

2011-08-07T22:38:00.000-07:00

Team: Mirren takes on the role of Spector's lawyer Linda Kenney Baden, pictured with Spector at his 2007 trial for the murder of Lana Clarkson
The group, Friends of Lana Clarkson, have enlisted Hollywood publicity agent Edward Lozzi to organise a protest campaign and claim to have influential supporters who will stop actors who take part in the project being considered for prestigious awards.

Spector, 71, is serving 19 years-to-life after being convicted in 2009 of shooting 40-year-old Miss Clarkson at his mountaintop home six years earlier.

The eccentric producer, who worked on The Beatles’ final album, Let It Be, in 1970 and is played in the new film by Al Pacino, also allegedly terrorised other women, holding them hostage at gunpoint.

Getting to work: Helen Mirren and co-star Al Pacino discuss filming on set

Controversial: Al Pacino stars as Spector in the film, which is understood to be sympathetic to his side of the story
Linda Kenney Baden claims there is evidence Miss Clarkson was so depressed by setbacks in her career that she used a revolver owned by Spector to shoot herself.

Mr Lozzi said the group he represented – called The Friends of Lana Clarkson – was ‘dismayed’ at Dame Helen’s involvement in the film, conceived by controversial New York writer and director David Mamet who has called for Spector to be freed.

Mr Lozzi described the film as ‘an insensitive attempt to portray the loathsome, lying, gun-abusing convicted murderer of our friend Lana Clarkson with some kind of sympathy’.

Arrival: Mirren arrived in New York last night to start filming

Mr Lozzi – a Press aide to former US President George Bush – said that his group would mount a boycott of HBO unless the studio drops the project.

And he warned that influential backers would lobby judges of the Emmy awards, asking them not to consider Dame Helen or any other actors who take part in the film for awards.

‘We have great respect for Helen Mirren,’ Mr Lozzi said. ‘What we hope is that when she reads this script and sees Lana is being trashed, she will speak up and say, “This is not right.”

Al Pacino pictured for the first tim in character as record producer Phil Spector, who is currently serving 19 years to life
‘Helen Mirren probably didn’t know about The Friends of Lana Clarkson when she agreed to take the role – it would have been just another job to her. But now that she is aware, we ask her to examine her conscience.’

The group has sent a letter to Dame Helen, warning the 66-year-old, who won a 2007 Oscar for her portrayal of the Queen, that she should ‘do the right thing’ and demand script changes or face damaging ‘consequences’ including ‘no Emmy nominations’.

The letter adds: ‘Know that we are very serious.’ Mr Lozzi claims the campaign has already forced Bette Midler – who was initially cast as Mrs Kenney Baden – to drop out, although the actress said she had injured her back. ‘Maybe her back does hurt but I think what persuaded her to quit was she didn’t want to hurt her image,’ Mr Lozzi said.

The film was conceived by director David Mamet, who has called for Spector to be freed.

Dame Helen was also in the spotlight yesterday after beating much younger contenders to be named Body of the Year.

She pushed Elle MacPherson and Kelly Brook into second and third place in a poll of 2,000 women. They were asked by the LA Fitness gym chain to name the women they felt were more comfortable in their own skin.

Defiant Helen Mirren arrives on the set of Phil Spector film following warnings to pull out or face 'serious consequences'

2011-08-07T22:32:00.000-07:00

She is being threatened with awards snubs and worse for refusing to pull out of the film.

But a defiant Helen Mirren arrived on the set of the controversial Phil Spector movie yesterday to get down to work.

The actress smiled and waved at cameras, perhaps sending a message to the group of apparently 'influential' Hollywood insiders and friends of Lana Clarkson who are protesting her involvement, that she is not backing down.

Defiant: Despite warnings from Hollywood insiders to quit, Helen Mirren arrived on the set of hew new Phil Spector film today

Confidante: Mirren plays Spector's long-time lawyer Linda Kenney Baden in the film
The 66-year-old sat outside her trailer drinking tea in her costume for the role of Linda Kenney Baden, Spector's long-time lawyer and supporter, before making her way on to the set.

She wears a long blonde wig and glasses for the part, and today was filming in a tight black dress and purple flats.

The Oscar-winning actress was pictured discussing a scene with her co-star Al Pacino, who plays the lead role of Phil Spector .

Threats: Despite the warnings by friends of Lana Clarkson for her to pull out of the controversial film, Helen looked comfortable on the set in Long Island today

The movie has been filming in Long Island and Manhattan for the past month, with Pacino bearing an uncanny likeness to Spector.

The film is understood to be sympathetic to the former Beatles producer and claims he was wrongly jailed for murder.

Dame Helen’s spokesman last night said the actress had received a letter sent to her by the protesters, but added: ‘She’s in the movie. She’s not dropping out. That’s all she’s saying.’

Joining forces: Mirren stars as Baden, while Pacino appears as Spector

The secrets to Dame Helen Mirren's amazing body

2011-08-07T22:27:00.000-07:00

Helen Mirren (Pic:Nick Ball)

SHE may be 66 years old but Dame Helen Mirren’s stunning figure is still an award-winner.

The actress trounced the likes of Jennifer Lopez to scoop Body of the Year in a poll by gym chain LA Fitness.

So how does she do it? Here we delve into the beauty secrets which made Russell Brand gush: “She’s sexy and enchanting. There’s something about her that drives me wild.”
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Learn good posture

DAME Helen once explained: "Four-inch platform heels give you great height and make your legs look unbelievably long.I used to get them in stripper shops but now you can buy them everywhere. Although, unfortunately, that means everyone else had discovered the trick, too. "I aso hold my tummy in. It comes from being on stage.You're aware of your posture."

Go easy on exercise

THE star has explained: "I do exercise but, honestly, it's not particularly a beauty thing. As you get older, you have to keep up your energy levels. I'm very lazy. If I start getting out of puff when I go upstairs, I'll force myself into minimalistic exercise. I'm a great believer in the Royal Canadian Air Force exercises, as they only take 15 minutes."

Cut your own hair

SHE'S pretty low-maintenance when it comes to her barnet.

The actress said last year: "I cut my hair in my bathroom and colour it, too. For the past 20 to 30 years, I've only ever been to the hairdressers if I've had to go for a part I've been playing. Otherwise I simply put my hair in a ponytail and cut across the top - it creates natural layers and just falls right."

Work, rest and...rest

SHE can't get enough of jumping into bed - and enjoying some shut-eye. The star has said: "When I'm working hard, I don't party.

I don't go to the bar after work. I don't go out to restaurants.

I just go to bed.

If I'm on a film, I even try to catch some sleep in my trailer at lunchtime. "I try to sleep as much as possible.

It's very important and, as you get older, even more so."

It's all about make-up

DAME Helen says there's one big secret to her amazing looks.

"A lot of looking good is simply down to good make-up."

She usually goes for the minimalist look, often with a splash of vivid red lipstick and she once admitted that her greatest extravagance is "drugstore make-up".

Just before the Oscars she was spotted buying Too Faced Liquif-Eye - and it helped hold back any tears during her Best Actress acceptance speech for The Queen.

Grow old gracefully..

SHE has said: "My mother told me an amazingly wise thing that I've found to be true, which is that you should never worry about getting older. Because an amazing thing happens.

As you reach each age you find, like a miracle, you've got the weapons, or tools, to deal with it.

So your body gets older but your mind gets better. "You've learned how to deal with relationships. You've realised you're not the only person in the world, and beauty's not the most important thing. To be obsessed by your looks is pathetic."

Ditch the dieting

DAME Helen revealed: "My whole life I've gone backwards and forwards the same 10lb.

I can wear clothes from 20 years ago.

At my thinnest I'm a couple of pounds under 9st - at my fattest I'm a few pounds under 10st. I've gone through many diets that are also so boring. You stop eating and that's what makes you lose weight - not eating.

But as you get older, losing weight doesn't make your body look better. "I eat healthily but not that healthily...as anyone who saw me munching a burger will know. But I don't eat burgers regularly. I don't think people should."

Helen Mirren Sticks with BioPic Despite Calls to Quit

2011-08-07T22:24:00.000-07:00

Helen Mirren is slated to star in a new film about Phil Spector, known for his work in the music industry and later accused of murdering Lana Clarkson. Mirren will be playing the role of Spector’s attorney, Linda Kenney Baden.

Friends and allies of Clarkson have promised “serious consequences” if Mirren goes through will the role, according to the British Daily Mail. The Daily Mail reported that Mirren’s spokesman said, “She’s in the movie. She’s not dropping out. That’s all she’s saying.”

The 66-year-old actress will star opposite Al Pacino as Phil Spector. Spector was found guilty of Clarkson’s death and is currently serving a 19 years-to-life sentence.

According Reuters, screenwriter and director David Mamet said, “I definitely think there is reasonable doubt [in Spector's case]… They should never have sent him away.”

The Daily Mail reported that Edward Lozzi, a publicist speaking for Friends of Lana Clarkson, called the film, “an insensitive attempt to portray the loathsome, lying, gun-abusing convicted murderer of our friend Lana Clarkson with some kind of sympathy.”

Spector’s attorney Baden has set forth the idea that Clarkson in fact killed herself with Spector’s gun.

She can't be 66! Helen Mirren turns back the clock in colourful tunic and leggings

2011-08-07T22:23:00.000-07:00

According to the New York Daily News, Miss Mirren received 17.7 per cent of the votes cast by 2,000 respondents to a survey by international gym chain LA Fitness.

Miss Mirren beat Elle Mapherson, Jennifer Lopez and Pippa Middleton to win the accolade.

Speaking to the newspaper, LA Fitness spokesman Tony Orme said: 'It's great to see the public celebrating bodies of all shapes and sizes, and proving that you really can look fabulous over 40 and 50.'

Forever young: Earlier Dame Helen enjoyed a game of hopscotch on the set of the Phil Spector biopic she is shooting

Miss Mirren plays Linda Kenney Baden in the Phil Spector movie, Spector's long-time lawyer and supporter, in the biopic, which stars Al Pacino as the former record producer who is now serving a prison sentence for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson.

The film is understood to be sympathetic to the former Beatles producer and claims he was wrongly jailed for murder.

Miss Mirren agreed to star in the movie despite being threatened with awards snubs and worse for refusing to pull out of the film.

Controversial: Miss Mirren relaxes with a cup of tea on set of the Phil Spector movie in which she plays Linda Kenney Baden, Spector's long-time lawyer and supporter

She can't be 66! Helen Mirren turns back the clock in colourful tunic and leggings

2011-08-07T22:20:00.000-07:00

Youthful: Helen Mirren turned back the clock as she stepped out in a pair of leggings and a colourful tunic in New York yesterday
A smiling Miss Mirren teamed her youthful look with a matching pink headscarf and shades as she headed to shoot scenes for the Phil Spector movie she is filming in New York.

Miss Mirren looks sensational for her age and yesterday was seen laughing heartily as she played a game of hopscotch.

She was recently awarded the title of Body of the Year by 2,000 fitness fanatics.

Read mo

Chic: The actress's outfit wouldn't have looked out of place on a woman a third of her age. She teamed the look with a headscarf and shades
According to the New York Daily News, Miss Mirren received 17.7 per cent of the votes cast by 2,000 respondents to a survey by international gym chain LA Fitness.

Miss Mirren beat Elle Mapherson, Jennifer Lopez and Pippa Middleton to win the accolade.

Speaking to the newspaper, LA Fitness spokesman Tony Orme said: 'It's great to see the public celebrating bodies of all shapes and sizes, and proving that you really can look fabulous over 40 and 50.'

Helen Mirren has the sexiest body on planet

2011-08-07T22:16:00.000-07:00

She's 66 years old. She has an Academy Award for playing a decidedly frumpy Queen Elizabeth. Her last movie role was as the elderly spinster nanny to Russell Brand's playboy millionaire in "Arthur." And she's officially got the best body in the world. Dame Helen Mirren, what was it like when they created you on Mount Olympus?

When the gym chain LA Fitness polled 2,000 members on the sexiest male and female physiques on the planet, you'd expect renowned hotties like Nicole Scherzinger and this year's It Girl, Pippa Middleton, to make the list. And they did. But who'd have guessed that Inspector Jane Tennyson would blow away the competition for the top spot? Or that 48-year-old Elle Macpherson would come in second, and 42-year-old Jennifer Lopez would land in fourth? And lest you thinking defying Father Time is for the ladies, the male list is decidedly unyouthful too, with Daniel Craig, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, David Hasselhoff and Simon Cowell all making appearances. Note to gravity: YOU LOSE.

Now, an LA Fitness poll isn't exactly the ne plus ultra of scientific inquiry, and it's not as if Helen Mirren's off-the-charts level of foxiness is going to change Victoria's Secret fashion shows or Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues. You need only do a comparative perusal of the Maxim 100, where teenagers like Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift are holding their own against a variety of Kardashians and models, to know that dewy, voluptuous youth never goes out of favor.

There's something defiantly cheeky and provocative about the LA Fitness poll results -- a little like, oh, I don't know, declaring Mirren's costar Russell Brand the sexiest man of the year. Look at us! Thinking outside the box! No wonder LA Fitness's marketing director Tony Orme told the Hollywood Reporter this week that "It's great to see the public celebrating bodies of all shapes and sizes, and proving that you really can look fabulous over 40 and 50."

That's really the point here, isn't it? A beautiful body at 18 is all but a birthright, but one at 60 is the result of damn hard work and incredibly serendipitous genetics. And indeed Mirren declared last year that her "best friend" is her Wii Fit.

Of course, a survey whose results suggest that beauty and sexiness aren't the sole terrain of the young -- and that having a rocking body is possible at any age -- is well in service of the fitness industry. Sure, Mirren, like those ankle-biting whippersnappers Macpherson and Lopez, surely has all the body, face, and hair upkeep that a woman could dream of. Simply rolling out of bed looking like a million bucks becomes an increasingly unrealistic option the older any of us get – even a woman who is still cavorting around in red bikinis and posing naked in magazines.

Yet despite the attention-getting nature of the LA Fitness poll, it serves as a reminder that beauty and sexiness don't necessarily have an expiration date. That aging is inevitable, but "letting yourself go" only has to be if you choose to make it so. That being vibrant and active is always seductive. And that the untouchable Helen Mirren can outscorch legions of females 50 years her junior.

Helen Mirren | Now & Then (PHOTOS)

2011-08-07T22:13:00.000-07:00

Helen Mirren, known for epic film turns and red-hot bikini body, turns 66-years-old today. Not only is she "The Queen" -- she won an Oscar for playing Queen Elizabeth II, she was appointed to the Order of the British Empire by Prince Charles -- that makes her Dame Helen to you, as well. Despite her respectable honors, the British actress, who stars in the summer blockbuster "Arthur" with Russell Brand, never misses an opportunity to titillate. She took it all off for Esquire Magazine, wearing only a Union Jack! Proving that barely dressed or fully clothed, Mirren works her wardrobe like the ultimate companion to her bodacious personality.

Take a peek in our gallery below to see how far Mirren has come since she had that ridiculous perm in the '70s. Happy birthday!

Dame Helen Mirren and David Beckham have the best bodies ever!

2011-08-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

When we think of hot celeb bods, we imagine the likes of Rihanna, Megan Fox and Rosie H-W.

But one lady can now stand proud as having a better bod than all of the above! As voted for by the public, Dame Helen Mirren has the hottest female figure in all of Hollywood!

Helen even beat off competition from Jennifer Lopez to be crowned the fittest thing in Tinseltown. She proved that despite being in her sixties (66 to be precise), she has certainly still got it.

But anyone who has seen her in a bikini would already know that, we think that’s where she mainly keeps ‘it’.

The poll was reported on Sky News and with 17.65% of the vote, Helen more than doubled J.Lo’s 6.6% as well as Kate Winslet who lagged behind with 3.9%.

Pippa Middleton’s bum could not even stop her rise to the top spot and only scored a measly 4% of the vote.

Just goes to show, age is just a number! Please God, let us look that good when we are 66!
Daniel Craig beaten by David Beckham

Over on the boys team, new dad David Beckham swept to victory with 21%, beating off the likes of Daniel Craig and Johnny Depp who came in second and third place.

We think, in terms of fairness, we should all just check the top three are correct by looking at more pictures of them in their pants. What do you think?!

Confirmed: Helen Mirren is Hot

2011-08-07T22:07:00.000-07:00

Mirren on Mirren action at Madame Tussauds in London.
Photograph by: Getty Images, Getty Images

Helen Mirren is an Oscar-winner and a Dame. According to certain episode of 30 Rock, she's also a wizard -- a theory we happen to support, even if it was founded by a fictional character. (How else to explain how good she looks in a bikini?)

Mirren's latest accomplishment? She's your Body of the Year for 2011.

Body of the Year, huh? It's a title you probably never heard of before now. (When -- oh, when -- will online polls sponsored by fitness club franchises earn the same gravitas as People's annual Most Beautiful list?!)

But 2,000 participants in an online survey sponsored by L.A. Fitness have spoken (or clicked), and -- as dodgy as the poll's pedigree may seem -- we fully endorse the results.

Mirren, 66, leads the ladies' list, her physique (and mastery of the rack-preserving arts) gaining her 17.65 per cent of the vote.

Trailing behind her are model Elle MacPherson (10.6 per cent); Kelly Brook (10.6 er cent); People's Most Beautiful Person of 2011 (at least in the face), Jennifer Lopez (6.6 per cent) and Cheryl Cole (5.35 per cent).

In the men's category, generally accepted hot-person David Beckham topped the list, beating out Daniel Craig, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and Peter Andre.

But more about Mirren, that master of time and sexxxiness. We've compiled a gallery of some of her hottest moments of hotness. Check it out.

Do You Dare Wear a Bikini?

2011-08-07T22:05:00.000-07:00

Helen Mirren rocked a bikini at 63, so why shouldn't you!

Besides — it's HOT!

Author Barbara Grufferman (The Best of Everything After 50: The Experts' Guide to Style, Sex, Health, Money and More) has already admitted that her lovely German cousin, Barbara Haspel, has inspired her fashion choices far more than any celebrity.

In The Style Muse in Your Own Backyard, she explains that her cousin's foreignness — that intrinsic panache Europeans seem to have naturally — was a seductive influence, and she loved adopting "Cousin B's" way of putting outfits together.

On a recent visit though, when the two were trying to beat the heat and enjoy some quality beach time together, Barbara H couldn't quite coax Barbara G into a bikini.

At 54, Barbara Grufferman is committed to tankinis. And she looks great in them — especially because she religiously follows the exercise program she explains in her book. (She's even run/walk training for the NYC Marathon in the fall!)

But it's the sun that deters her:

    It's more about covering my body as protection, as opposed to feeling uncomfortable in a bikini. I try not to be in the sun in general, and if I am (at the beach, for example) I always have an umbrella so I can be under it, always have on at least 50 SPF, and always alway always wear a hat!"

Barbara Haspel on the other hand, has always worn a bikini to the beach, and sees no reason to change it up now even though she's 62.

    I have worn bikinis all my life,since I got my first one when I was 12 or so. I do Pilates and yoga, play tennis and golf to stay fit — and I eat healthy food. I don´t know how long I will show my belly at the beach, but surely in my garden. It is a good feeling to have air touch your body."

Maybe it's a European thing. Europeans are much more relaxed about body image. Which would also explain British Helen Mirren's comfort level (although there are those sculpted abs too!).

Maybe it's all the art all around them — Rubenesque figures might be more mainstream that the stick thin models we focus on here. And truthfully, most countries 'across the pond' don't have the weight issues we have here either. But Barbara Haspel is hardly Rubenesque. She says:

    In Europe, bikinis are very popular. We are maybe more courageous and less prudish than American women. For a long time it was even nothing special to go topless on a lot of beaches, but that is no longer the norm. I'm glad, because I think most women look better with a top!"

Whether in her garden or on the beach, Barbara looks healthy and normal — and great in a bikini at 62.

I'm going to Disneyland!

2011-08-07T05:52:00.000-07:00

Hello from Anaheim, where I'm on the road with the Mariners. So while I'm here, thought I'd repost my trip to Disneyland from three years ago. It's also one of the entries in my hilarious book (which you'll notice I haven't been hitting you over the head with lately) that is still only $2.99 and you can order yours NOW by going here. Thanks.
My wife and I went to Disneyland. Since becoming an adult this was the first time I was ever there without kids or a joint. No strollers, no giant diaper bags, no getting home and realizing we had left somebody. Also, we had never seen the adjacent California Adventure so we wanted to go before it eventually shuts down or is completely rethought.

We figured: go before the summer begins and kids are out of school. I guess that now means February. Disneyland was packed. There were lines for everything. The biggest: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Waiting, Space Mountain, and churros. The Small World attraction is closed for renovation (thank God). A big fence surrounds it. So the line was only a half an hour.

I wore a golf shirts and long pants. I was waaaay overdressed. Come on, people! At least the ratty t-shirts and torn plaid shorts should fit! You’re going to be taking pictures in those rags.

As always, the park was immaculate… although I could swear one of the 60-year-old maintenance men in an elf suit was a former producer of TAXI. And the teenagers who work there remain the nicest, perkiest, helpfulliest David Arhuleta and Carrie Underwood clones you could find this side of Stepford.

I’m guessing the teens with major imperfections like acne or no dimples are assigned to wear those bulky heavy character costumes. It was 90 degrees and Winnie the Pooh was staggering around, tripping over strollers, kicking little tykes, occasionally sticking his head in an ice cream pushcart for relief.

Happy to say that the new Pirates of the Caribbean ride wasn’t ruined by the improvements. There were a few Jack Sparrows added and a nifty Davy Jones hologram but otherwise it’s pretty much the same. Oh maybe a little less raping but the spirit of fun is still there.

To avoid standing in endless lines Disneyland now offers “Fast Passes” for most major rides. It allows you to return for wait-free boarding. We got our Fast Passes for Space Mountain at 1 PM. Our reservations were for 9:30, thus saving us fifteen minutes had we stood in the normal line.

I was a good boy this trip. I did not stand up and ask Mr. Lincoln a question nor did I buy a Mouseketeer hat, have them scroll “Vincent” then rip off one of the ears.

With all the spectacular photo-ops Disneyland provides, all day long I saw people taking pictures of each other while standing in lines. We are truly a country of idiots.

Then there are the women trying to walk all day and night in ankle strap wedges. And they wonder why they’re crippled by Fantasyland.

Gas prices are so high that for the Autopia, the cars are now just being pushed by Disney employees.

In a nod to health conscious California, Disneyland eateries now serve healthy food along with the usual fast food junk. My wife ordered a salad. It was the third one sold this year!

The irony of the Indiana Jones ride is that Harrison Ford probably can’t ride it. It’s way too violent and rugged for a 66 year-old man.

We moved over to California Adventure, which is like going from Times Square on New Year’s Eve to downtown Flint, Michigan a year after they closed the GM plant.

The only thing worth seeing is “Soarin’ Over California”. It’s a simulated hang glide tour over the state. If only I could simulate flying on American Airlines instead of actually having to fly on American Airlines.

Wandered around the park. Don’t know the names of the “lands” per se but there’s one that’s kind of rustic that my wife just called “Wilderness Shit”. They pipe in this real stirring John Williams type music and I must say, coming out of the restroom I thought there’ve been times when I could have really used this.

Next we encountered a beach boardwalk themed land. The John Williams music gave way to Beach Boys tunes on a calliope. All these years I never knew that “Surfer Girl” was a circus song.

Disney – the company that brought you “Song of the South” and tar babies now presents “Pizza Oom Mow Mow” on the pier at California Adventure.

There’s a big classic Coney Island style rollercoaster and something called the “Twilight Zone Tower of Terror”. Not wanting my first major stroke to be in a place where the paramedics all wear Peter Pan costumes I passed on both.

We returned to Disneyland, nostalgic for the days when California Adventure used to be a parking lot.

Night fell on the Magic Kingdom and it got a little chilly. No worries. There’s a clothing store every hundred feet. Me: “Excuse me, Tracy/Stacey/Kaysee/Lacy, do you have a men’s sweatshirt that doesn’t have Tinkerbell on it? Or Mickey in a wizard’s cap? Or Mulan? Or a fucking fairy castle!?” I bought a Davy Crockett coonskin cap so at least my head was warm.

Even in the evening when the crowd thinned out there was still a 45 minute wait for the aptly named Dumb-o ride.

No trip to Disneyland would be complete without a harrowing bobsled ride down the Matterhorn. It always takes me back to my idyllic childhood, going on it once with my dear sweet grandmother and hearing her drop the f-bomb.

The Haunted Mansion is now inhabited by a bi-lingual ghost. He gives spooky instructions in both English and Spanish.

Never got to Toontown. There were enough over-stimulated, sugar revved, screaming, out-of-control little hellions in all the other lands.

And I always wonder – how many of these children were conceived on Tom Sawyer’s Island during Grad Night?

Following the fireworks and “Disney Dwarfs on Parade” or whatever the hell that noisy thing was, we dutifully reported to Space Mountain to take advantage of our Fast Pass. Wow! Space Mountain was always great but this new revamped version is awesome. You know they mean business when they tell you to take your glasses off. As I was crawling off the rocket sled on my hands and knees I said to my wife, “Now THAT’S a thrill ride!”

Finally, it was time to leave. Where did twelve hours and hundreds of dollars go? A half hour to catch the tram and another half hour to find our car in the parking structure the size of Liechtenstein, and we were merrily on our way (to hit massive traffic on the Santa Ana freeway at midnight).

I have always loved Disneyland. I’m not ashamed to say it. I am ashamed to wear any of those sweatshirts but even as a five year-old curmudgeon I marveled at the imagination, scope, and vision of this wondrous (albeit highly profitable) world. So I will be back. Soon. My Fast Pass reservation for the Little Nemo Submarine Voyage is November 21st at 6:30 AM.

How could they fire Jerry Lewis?

2011-08-06T05:59:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Jerry for 45 years of great work. Now get out. That’s essentially what the MDA has done to telethon host/face of the charity Jerry Lewis. Oh, I’m sure he drove them crazy. I’m sure executives dove out of their 20th floor office windows when they heard he was in the building. But without Jerry there is no telethon. I mean, seriously, you’re replacing one of the icons of show business with Nigel Lythgoe?

The program will also be shortened this year from twenty hours to a mere six. And I bet they still have trouble filling the bill. Good luck getting Tony Orlando this year.

Once upon the time the Jerry Lewis telethon was a highlight of the year. Twenty hours of the highest camp, schmaltziest schmaltz, cheesiest cheese, and glitziest entertainment ever assembled on one stage. And it was all live. Jaw-dropping moments were as common as a check of the tote board. I even wrote about it a couple of years ago.

Jerry created this faux Vegas main showroom format, which was already dated in 1966 when he first introduced it. Over the years it became a time piece. Singers still in tuxedos and formal gowns – at 7:00 AM. Wayne Newton -- the major headliner. Lounge comics trotting out material that I’m sure killed in 1955. Puppeteers. Bird acts.

And it was all held together by Jerry. No comedian has ever taken himself more seriously, and in an unintentional twisted way, that only made him funnier. One minute dripping sincerity, the next crossing his eyes and acting like a moron. Genius! Sheer genius!

Add to the mix the fatigue factor. Put someone like that on live television with major sleep deprivation and by hour 15 you’ve got real theater. Crying, badgering, doing rat pack racial slurs. You never knew what you were going to get… from moment to moment. And again, that was the brilliance of it all. That was the appeal. Once Jerry took his tie off you were on high alert for hilarity.

Plus, it was all for a really good cause.

Say what you will, Jerry raised millions and millions for MDA. His telethon became a part of American culture. He is 85. You knew it was just a matter of time. But to not let him go out in a dignified way, on his own terms, that’s unconscionable.

As far as I’m concerned there is no more MDA telethon. And it’s too bad because Nigel’s kids need the help just as much as Jerry’s.

Thanks again for everything, Jerry. I’ll never be able to hear Rockabye My Baby With a Dixie Melody ever again without crying… and laughing.

How we got our first SIMPSONS assignment

2011-08-05T05:55:00.000-07:00

Thanks for your Friday Questions. Here are some attempts at answers.

DyHrdMET gets us started.

Can you tell the story of how you got to THE SIMPSONS and came up with this story idea?

My partner, David Isaacs and I were friends with Sam Simon and had worked with him on a couple of other shows. When he became the showrunner for THE SIMPSONS he asked if we would write one. At the time they paid much less than a standard live-half hour sitcom. Because they were animated, the studio was able to get away with paying essentially the same as a Saturday morning cartoon. But we were fans of the show, wanted to help Sam out, and my kids were little at the time and Sam promised them jackets and toys. That’s really why we did it – for the swag.

We came in with some story notions. Most were Homer stories. At the time (early in the run) Bart was the breakout star but we identified more with Homer (Gee. wonder why that is?). I had spent the last three summers broadcasting baseball in the minors so the idea of Homer becoming a mascot for the local team stemmed from that experience. Those goofy guys dancing on dugouts very much exist.

There are a lot of inside jokes and references to the International League in that episode – shamelessly so.

As I recall, the three of us (me, David, and Sam) worked out the story in a morning. I’m here to tell you, the real creative force behind THE SIMPSONS was Sam Simon. The tone, the storytelling, the level of humor – that was all developed on Sam’s watch.

Writing the script was a blast. I remember saying to David that there was so much you could do with these characters that I thought THE SIMPSONS could go five or even six seasons. They’re on what, year 35?

From purplejilly:

How would someone get to be a freelance script writer? For example if someone had a job, kids, and couldn’t afford to leave that job, but just wanted to write scripts on the side? Has that ever happened? Are there any successful freelance scriptwriters for TV?

I wish I could be more encouraging. But there are very few scribes today making a decent living as a freelance television writer. And if they do, chances are they’re veterans and getting these assignments from producers they’ve worked with before.

The WGA contract requires shows to farm out a minimum number of freelance assignments. But generally producers give those out to writers’ assistants or people they know, or in rare cases, young writers who’ve impressed them enough that they want to give ‘em a shot to see what they can do.

When I broke in (just after the Ice Age) there were smaller staffs and most shows had plenty of slots for freelancers. That’s how most writers got their first break – by getting a freelance assignment and delivering the goods. Now writers often get hired on staff based purely on their spec scripts. It’s a gamble that can sometimes backfire. Much less risk giving someone a freelance assignment. The first eight scripts we sold (including MASH) were as freelancers. But again, this was awhile ago. The continent of Atlantis was still on the map.

How you get a freelance assignment? Producers are intrigued by your specs, you have a good agent who talks you to the heavens, or you know the producer in some capacity. It’s hard to do under ideal conditions but almost impossible from long distance. Again, wish I had better news.

And finally, from Paul Eisenbrey:

I have a baseball related question. Specifically, about sportscaster grammar. Every once in a while, just often enough to be disturbing, one of you will say something like "that ball was hit a mile off the bat of Bud Cort", or "That young man has come quite a way at just 24 years of age". "Off the bat of"? "Years of age"? Who talks like that? It's as if Yoda got a gig in the broadcast booth.

Seriously (well, sort of...) is there a book of broadcast grammar that recommends such sentences? Or does stress of having to remember to give a plug every 43.23 seconds cause it? Or is ad-libbing for three and a half hours just very difficult (I couldn't do it, anyway) and sometimes oddball sentences just pop out? Or do you guys have a bet going to see how long you can get away with that sort of grammar before someone complains?

Let me know. In the meantime, it is time for me to make the dinner of Paul.

Grammatically incorrect phrases get repeated so often they just become accepted. Announcers don’t even think of them as oddball. The phrases just evolve.

Back in the '40s and '50s the style was much more formal (Chris Berman would last maybe five seconds) and I suspect phrases like “off the bat of” and “years of age” stem from that era.

Here’s the one that drives me crazy, and to my knowledge, I’m the only one who doesn’t say it. “On the night, Pujols is two-for-three.” It’s not ON the night… it’s FOR the night.” So I always say “For the night”, and for all I know the audience thinks, “That’s just weird. Doesn’t this guy know English?”

What question have you?

Bubba Smith 1945-2011

2011-08-04T05:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry to hear of Bubba Smith’s passing. He was only 66. I worked with Bubba on two shows. Interestingly, neither of them are included in any of the obits I’ve seen. I guess he was more well-known for POLICE ACADEMY and the Oakland Raiders. But I worked with him on OPEN ALL NIGHT and THE MARY SHOW.

He was a series regular in OPEN ALL NIGHT -- a 1980 sitcom about an all-night convenience store. My writing partner, David and I wrote two episodes and guested in one of them. So yes, I acted in a show with Bubba Smith. He generally played the soft-spoken big man who you did not want to cross. In person he was just the soft-spoken big man. Of course I never said to him, “Y’know, the Oakland Raiders are just a bunch of pansies”. But he was a delightful guy. And what impressed me most was how serious he was about acting. It wasn’t just a lark. He put the same effort into learning how to play comedy as he did crushing quarterbacks into powder. You’d think directors and producers would be intimidated giving this 6' 8" bruiser notes but he was extremely receptive. And the results paid dividends. He was very funny, in an understated way that fit perfectly with his giant presence.

Bubba also guested for us on THE MARY SHOW. He played himself. I still love the premise. John Astin, as the theater critic, panned Bubba’s performance in a play that had just opened. So Bubba, furious, comes up to the newsroom to the beat the crap out of John. Name me one actor who hasn’t fantasized that same scenario. In the show, John talks him out of it and instead winds up coaching him. Watching Bubba Smith try to give a performance using John’s acting method was a hoot.

We had Bubba regale us with many football stories from his glory days in the NFL. Yes, that world is as violent and brutal as you imagine. Little things like broken bones and pain pale in importance with gaining an extra yard. They say he died of natural causes. I didn’t realize that the Baltimore Colts, Oakland Raiders, and Houston Oilers are considered natural causes.

He had dropped out of sight of late. I hope his last years were happy ones. I’m sure the tributes will talk about how big he was, how fierce he was, how popular he was. But I want to add how funny he was.

So long, Bubba. Thanks for the hits… and the laughs.

Jessica Harper responds

2011-08-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

I'm always amazed when I mention someone in my blog and that person responds. Jessica Harper filed a comment regarding my recent post about meeting her in a bank. Here's what she had to say (for the two or maybe three of you who don't read the comments). Thanks, Jessica. You're a sweetheart.

That is one fabulous story!
I would be lying if I said I remember the bank part (I DO remember the script) but I'm sure you were a perfect gentleman or I would have cut that conversation short!...and you were very gracious about the audition...these qualities make you a rare and compelling person in Hollywood!
Thanks for your kind words, and for sharing my link with the world. Hmmmm....wonder where we'd be today if I HAD gone out with you...? Food for thought...!
All the best Ken!
Jessica

A very rare treat

2011-08-03T05:55:00.000-07:00

Okay... as promised...

This is an episode of television you'll want to see. It hasn't aired in thirty years. This is from the short-lived ABC series, THE ASSOCIATES. James L. Brooks & company, the creative team behind TAXI is also responsible for this forgotten gem. The series is about a group of young upscale lawyers, starring a very young Martin Short.

This episode in particular is very special and should resonate as much today as it did when it first aired. The subject matter is television network censorship. Short is asked to get involved in a dispute between the network censor and a sitcom showrunner over a scene the network finds offensive. Actually, I give ABC a lot of credit for airing it.

The episode was written by Ed. Weinberger & Stan Daniels. They won a WGA Award for it (duh). Sincere thanks to Howard Hoffman for taping and saving it all these years.

I'm looking forward to your thoughts.

THE ASSOCIATES - The Censors - April 10, 1980 from Howard Hoffman on Vimeo.

Who would play you in the movie?

2011-08-02T09:35:00.000-07:00

Lately, there have been a lot of movies either made or in development about real life people. SOCIAL NETWORK for one. 127 HOURS is another. Upcoming you have MONEYBALL where Brad Pitt (of all people) plays the Oakland A’s General Manager, Billy Bean. And recently I read that the tell-all book on ESPN is soon to be a minor motion picture.

Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick are already speculating on who would play them in the movie. (Too bad Groucho is dead, Keith.)

But it brings up the question – say there was a movie of your life – who would play you in the movie? Now your first response might be – YOU. Why not play yourself? Well, that’s only been partially successful in the past. Ann Jillian pulled it off in THE ANN JILLIAN STORY but Jackie Robinson not so much in THE JACKIE ROBINSON STORY.

Ann at least is a real actor. The truth is good actors will usually do a better job of playing you than you. Raymond Massey was a much better choice to play Abraham Lincoln than Lincoln himself, and not just because he was dead. Massey brought out a warmth that those who knew Lincoln admitted he didn’t have.

Another problem with playing yourself is pulling off those scenes when you were much younger. Imagine Mary Tyler Moore today trying to recreate Laura Petrie? Yiiiiiikes.

So if a Hollywood actor/actress were to play you, who would it be? After the joke answers of George Clooney and Penelope Cruz, which star best resembles you in looks and personality? After the second joke answers of still George Clooney and Penelope Cruz, who would it be?

Probably for me, if I’m being honest, Ann Jillian. Damn, it’s hard to play this game and not give joke answers.

Okay, for real – maybe David Strathern. Possibly Steve Colbert. Someone tall, dark, believable as a blogger.

So what about you? And how many joke answers until you settled on one that’s believable?

Here’s the thing that worries me about my movie. I can understand a studio not letting me play myself. But they probably wouldn’t let me write it either.

Note: Come back tomorrow. I've got something really cool.

A little "chin music"

2011-08-02T05:55:00.000-07:00

I’m back in Seattle calling games for the Mariners on 710 ESPN, MLB.COM, and Sirius/XM. A question I’m frequently asked is if I get to take batting practice with the players?

At the major league level, no. They sort of take batting practice seriously. And often, fans are invited to come out to the park early and watch BP and they certainly don't want to drive halfway across town to watch some yutz announcer flail around in the batting cage.

But in the minors things are a little looser. When I was broadcasting for the Syracuse Chiefs in 1988 I would occasionally shag fly balls out in the outfield during batting practice. For the most part I was horrible. Couldn’t catch a thing. But the team was very tolerant.

About halfway through the season I got up the nerve to ask one of our coaches if I could take a few swings. He said, “Sure. Grab a bat and a helmet.” I was very excited. I wasn’t wearing a uniform, but I donned a helmet and snatched a bat off the rack. In my blue jeans and polo shirt I was ready!

The coach who gave me permission trotted out to the mound to pitch to me. I climbed into the cage, dug in in the batter’s box, and prepared to drive that first pitch deep into the leftfield bleachers.

That first pitch comes… right at my head. I dive to get out of the way, just sprawling in the dirt.

Oh well. That must’ve just been one that got away.

I get up, dust myself off, wait for all the laughter to die down, then assume my fierce batting stance.

The next pitch comes. Same place. Right at my coconut. Again, I’m rolling in the dirt, sunglasses flying off my head. The players are hysterical.

Well, this happened three or four more times and I got the hint. That was the last time I asked to take batting practice.

Postscript: Our leftfielder made a bonehead play one night and our manager was so livid that when the player came back into the dugout the manager screamed, “You’re so bad even fuckin’ LEVINE is better!”

I, of course, took that as a compliment.

Another one of those great Hollywood stories

2011-08-01T05:53:00.000-07:00

In early 1975 I was writing spec scripts with my partner, David Isaacs, trying desperately to break into the business. At the time we were going nowhere fast. The spec RHODA we had submitted was rejected. Then the producer left and we re-submitted it. And the new producer rejected it. (That new producer is now my next-door neighbor. I just keep re-submitting it.)

Anyway, on the way to lunch I need to stop at the bank. I probably bounced a check. I go to the back of a long line and notice that the person directly in front of me is Jessica Harper. Ms. Harper is a fine actress and at the time was very hot. She had appeared in LOVE AND DEATH for Woody Allen and had starred in the cult feature PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE among other credits.

Oh, did I mention I had a HUGE crush on her?

So I begin talking to her. She’s very nice. I’m asking about working with Woody Allen, her career, anything to keep the conversation rolling. All the while we slowly inch forward in line. When she is finally at the front I decide to do something I never ever do. If you know me you know this is true.

I ask her out. Right there in the bank.

She very graciously declines. A teller is free, she dashes off, and that was that.

I get back in the car and relate the story to David. He of course, gives me shit for fifteen minutes. “You did WHAT?!” Finally, I say, “Someday we’re going to be big producers casting a pilot and Jessica Harper is going to walk into our office and read for us. And then she’ll be sorry.” We laugh, go back to my apartment, and continue working on a spec that will soon be rejected all over town. Jessica goes off and stars in another Woody Allen movie and one with Steve Martin.

Flash forward to 1993. David and I have a pilot for CBS, BIG WAVE DAVE’S and we’re casting. Who walks into our office?

Yep.

Jessica has no idea why we both seem to be beaming the minute she enters the room. Her audition goes well. She’s a terrific actress. She wasn’t totally right for the part but she still gave a great reading.

I’m on the fence about telling her the story. On the one hand, she might be a great sport and find it amusing. On the other, if we don’t hire her maybe she’ll think it’s because of the bank and we’re the most unprofessional spiteful assholes in Hollywood. So we say nothing. I’m sure if Jessica reads this or someone points her to this post it will be the first she’s heard of it. And I guarantee you she has no recollection of the bank encounter. Ten minutes of her life with some schmuck in a line.

But it’s still one of those delicious career moments. And for the record, I still have a crush on Jessica Harper and would be thrilled to work with her. She’s now a blogger and an author as well as an actress and the least I can do is plug her blog, which you can read here, and her cookbook, which you can find here.

Mr. Special Effects

2011-07-31T05:56:00.000-07:00

Hello from Seattle where starting tomorrow I again call the action and pitching changes for the mighty Mariners. In the meantime, I'm going to dip into the "Best Of" file.

This is one of my favorite all-time posts so I cart it out every couple of years. Certainly one of my funniest -- and I didn't even write it.

I've talked about the need for showrunners to hold down the budget. What I didn’t mention was how difficult that can sometimes be. Hollywood is notorious for huge mark ups. Studios charging their own shows outrageous rent for their stages and facilities, etc. And if God forbid you need a special effect look out. In writing rooms whenever we propose even the smallest stunt we turn to my partner, David Isaacs, who has created a great character – Mr. Special Effects. He will then describe what is required to pull the stunt off and how much it will cost.

Here is an example, in the form of a memo. And believe me when I say this is TYPICAL.

Report from TV Special Effects Department:

RE: Frasier

Situation: In a dream sequence, Frasier is on the air and his board explodes.

Proposal---If I'm to understand correctly from our conversation you all want the entire radio board to explode in Frasier's (Mr. Gramner's) face. filling the studio room with smoke. It's quite a coincidence since my dad created the same effect for Mr. Al Ruddy for an episode of 'The Monkee's. (For your reference it's the one where the Monkees try to outfox a Russian agent played by Mr. Lloyd Bochner). The good news is that with all the advancements in explosive delivery it's a much easier effect. (The real reason you never saw Mr. Mike Nesmith at any Monkees reunion is that he had four fingers of his left hand blown off. It's certainly not true that he was sick of being a part of a third rate Beatles knockoff. That and feeling responsible for Yakima Canutt losing a testicle on "How the West was Won" haunted my father till he fell to his death rigging Mr. Demetrious 'George' Savalas for a jump off the Brooklyn Bridge in 'Kojak.)

Anyway, the effect is fairly simple, but of course we want it foolproof and safe. (within reason) First of all we will rig a series of explosive charges across the board. That will control the blast as oppossed to one big blast which is harder to control. I will set off the charges in sequence from a specially designed phaser. That should supply our explosion and still create the effect. We also set a charge inside the board so that in the case of a fire breaking out from the initial explosion (small possibility) I'll blow that charge which in turn would smother the flames. That, of course, would also preclude a second take.

Now I'm to understand that Mr. Gramner would like to do the stunt himself (concurrent with an 'Entertainment Tonight' segment profiling sitcom actors who do their own stunts.) That's fine but we will take the precaution of covering his body in an inch to an inch and a half of Vaseline Petroleum Jelly under a flame retardant herringbone suit. (It's uncomfortable but the guy works, what, twelve hours a week?) That will protect him vis a vis a mistake in explosion deployment. (Just to warn you in spite of caution it can happen---Sometimes to a serendipitous result. My dad worked for Mr. George Roy Hill on 'Butch Cassidy and the Sundance KId." Liitle known fact, the boxcar being blown to smithereens was not in the script. It was what we call in the S.E. business a happy accident. Thankfully the only injury was a prosthetic arm that was mangaled up pretty good. It belonged to my dad's assistant 'Spider' who had lost his real arm and half a foot working with my dad on 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. Long story)

So we will protect Mr. Gramner. Safety for the cameramen and crew are at your discretion. Should be a do it every day, piece of cake effect. Still it's S.O.P. for me to ask you one question that's in the order of a final safeguard. Was there originally an actor you really felt could have played Frasier in the event that Mr. Gramner was unavailable or... "a handful"? Have to ask. It many times makes a tougher call but I will remind you of 'happy accidents'.

I'm going to ball park a cost for you then come up with a final tally later. I know you have budget concerns but it's a heck of a stunt. Figuring explosives , equipment rented from the studio electrical dept., special costuming from the studio costume dept., crew, overtime, dummy board and console from studio props, studio fire chief standing by, and I figure you'll want to throw in pizza for a hard working S.E. bunch, I think I can bring the whole thing off for you, on the cheap, for about 110 thousand dollars. Again that's if we're not figuring on another take.

Loved the script by the way.

Mr. S.E.

A long night's journey into day

2011-07-30T05:59:00.000-07:00

I’m heading up to Seattle tomorrow to begin a nine-game stretch of broadcasting for the Mariners. There was a game earlier this week between the Pirates and the Braves that lasted 19 innings and lasted over six hours. That prompted this Friday question by Joe Knucks-all (yes, it’s an ode to Joe Nuxhall):

What's the longest game you've gotten to call, thus far?

Friday, September 25, 1992. The Mariners at the Texas Rangers. Sixteen innings, but first a little background:

This was the very end of the season. Both teams were already eliminated. So the game meant absolutely nothing.

The game was held in the old Arlington Stadium, a converted minor league park that was, to be charitable, a dump.

It must’ve been 100 degrees at game time and by the end -- 95.

We were doing the game on TV that night as well as radio. That meant the rotation was that I did the first half of the game on television then switched with my partner, the great Dave Niehaus and did the rest of the game alone on the radio. Did I mention sixteen innings?

Because this was the end of the year rosters were expanded. I believe we set a major league record for the number of players used in one game. The Mariners used 29, the Rangers only used 25. The Mariners employed eleven different pitchers. Between the two clubs there were 481 pitches thrown (I think 12 strikes).

We left twelve men on base. Texas left a staggering twenty. M’s second baseman, Bret Boone went 0-7.

You can’t believe what a mess my scorebook was. Completely indecipherable. Navajo Code Breakers couldn’t figure out who batted for who when.

But the incident I remember most was this: Our bullpen was down the leftfield line. Late in the game, maybe the 13th or 14th while play was in I look out and all of our relief pitchers and bullpen catchers are running out onto the field. WTF?! Seems someone discovered a big rat in the bullpen. So while members of the grounds crew removed the rodent we had a ten minute "rat delay".

We won the game 4-3. Omar Vizquel drove in the winning run and then was thrown out in a wild rundown. It was that kind of game.

And then when the game ended – 5:08 after it started -- I had to do the postgame show. That was another half hour. One of the features was the game re-cap. I think I said something like "A bunch of guys got into the game and made outs and didn't score, and we did that for like five hours, and then someone drove in a run. I'll have the out-of-town scores next!"

But I will say this, yes it was exhausting but also exhilarating. You get your second wind after about four hours. And the game takes on a life of its own. The adrenaline kicks in and suddenly it’s great fun.

And the way things are going this year, I’d gladly call a thirty inning game if it meant a win.

Beaver Cleaver is back on the air

2011-07-29T19:48:00.000-07:00

My past has caught up with me. Great Big Radio is playing a two-hour restored broadcast of one of my radio shows back when I was Beaver Cleaver on B100 San Diego in 1976. So for those of you who gotta have the bump, have a love hangover, or want to win passes to see that great new movie ODE TO BILLIE JOE starring Glynis O'Connor at the Grossmont Cinema, tune in to Great Big Radio.

I'm on starting at 11 PM EDT and replayed at 11 PM PDT. You can hear it here. I was certifiably insane in those days. Enjoy.

Friday questions on Friday

2011-07-29T05:59:00.000-07:00

Since I already answered Friday Questions on Wednesday and Thursday I thought I should probably answer some Friday Questions on Friday. Thanks again to Jeff Greenstein for his fantastic post yesterday. If you have a Fri Q, I’d love to answer it (or find somebody better). Just post it in the comments section. Thanks.

Brian gets us started.

Ken, you have mentioned several times that you got your first writing assignment on THE JEFFERSONS. What was the story line and how did you come up with it?

A new cleaners moves in across the street and George begins losing his confidence. The episode was called “Movin’ on Down”. I can’t remember exactly what led us to it. But I do recall we came up with the idea in a booth at Mario’s restaurant in Westwood late one Saturday night. That very spot is now Table 17 at the California Pizza Kitchen.

Tyler K. wonders:

Do TV writers have a harder time writing enough material to fill the required episode time, or cutting material down to do the same? Also, how short do you see TV episodes getting as time goes on? We've gone from 25-minute episodes of Cheers and Mash to 22-minute episodes of Frasier and Friends to some current shows being less than 20 minutes.

Surprisingly, it’s MUCH harder to write a 20 minute show than a 25 minute show. You’d think it would be easier because you had less to write. But it’s much tougher telling a good story in only 20 minutes. Everything has to be so truncated. And if you have a series where you do A and B stories, it makes things especially difficult. Imagine if FRIENDS were still around today. Or MASH.

Stories are more layered, more nuanced, more emotional when you have more time. Why more emotional? Because the emotion has to be earned. And that’s harder to do when characters have to make quick turns.

Michael writes in:

I recently saw a couple episodes of "The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" on AntennaTv. 5 or 6 writers shared the writing credit for both shows I saw - I assume they were the show's entire writing staff. Are there union rules that would prevent that from happening today?

Yes. For a sitcom today only two writers or two teams of writers can share teleplay credit on an episode. So if this week’s show is written by Ken Levine & David Isaacs, we each get half. If the show is written by say Earl Pomerantz and Ken Levine & David Isaacs then Earl gets half and David and I split the other half.

You can ask the Guild for a waiver, however. That’s what we did on ALMOST PERFECT. Quite a few scripts were written by David and I and our co-creator, Robin Schiff. But it wasn’t fair that she should get half and we each got a quarter so we asked for a waiver. The Guild said okay as long as all three of us got the equivalent of half – meaning the studio essentially paid for a script and a half. Still with me?

Now things get really complicated when shows are room written like THE BIG BANG THEORY or TWO AND A HALF MEN. Because you can also assign story credit, which pays less than teleplay but at least is something. So if you’ll notice BIG BANG THEORY writing credits, there are usually five or six names. Some get shared story credit, others get shared teleplay credit.

It's a joke because the names on the screen have no relation whatsoever to who actually wrote what. Credits are just divvied up. To me that defeats the purpose of credits.

From Bob Summers:

Why did the TV seasons of the 70s and into the 80s used to end in March, and why and when did that change to May? I think I have an answer, but I'd like an insider/expert opinion.

This changed when May sweeps were introduced. Most major agencies base their network advertising buys on sweep period ratings. So networks hold back original episodes and sprinkle in stunt programming to inflate their sweeps numbers as much as possible. Was that what you were thinking, Bob?

And finally, LaprGuy has a question about announcing baseball:

How much does the highlight package (and, maybe moreso, the demo reel) come into play when you are announcing a game?

I don’t think about it at all. As for highlights, I’m just trying to capture the drama of the moment and be accurate. I have no catch phrases.

Re: demo reels, I don’t think about that either. I just try to stay in the moment. Over the course of a season I figure there will be one or two demo-worthy innings somewhere along the way. But my main focus is on the listener and the game at hand. I’m trying to do an informative, entertaining, and descriptive broadcast, not impress. By the way, I'm back on the air not impressing anyone starting Monday night when the Mariners host the A's in Seattle.

The inside story on DREAM ON

2011-07-28T05:54:00.000-07:00

Here's another Friday question that deserves a whole post... and a guest to write it. The question is from Chris, who asks:

Do you have any idea how they used to write Dream On? It had these old movie/tv sequences in between characters' lines to make things more funny. Did the writers come up with the jokes based on old tv shows/movies they remembered or did they have people to help them with those/come up with better ones?

To answer this I went to one of the writer/producers of DREAM ON, Jeff Greenstein. Jeff went on to produce obscure shows like FRIENDS, WILL & GRACE, PARENTHOOD, and DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. He more than graciously fills us in.

The short answer is both. Here's the long answer.

Before the Dream On staff convened for our first season, we spent hours watching tapes of old anthology series like GE Theatre and Jane Wyman Playhouse (yes, there were tapes in those days, chilluns), painstakingly logging intriguing clips into our notebooks. Sometimes stories would emerge from these sessions—for example, when creators Marta Kauffman & David Crane noticed the startling number of times people offered each other coffee: "Would you like some coffee?" "More coffee?" They concocted a story where main character Martin Tupper has to kick caffeine, only to be plagued by "Getcha some coffee?" "Have another cup," and so on.

Over time, however, the writers came to depend on a research staff whose job it was to watch the old shows and log them into a computer database. (Some of these researchers, notably Greg Malins, later became successful writers in their own right.) Stories were broken without much regard to their clip content; we always believed an episode should work without them. But then, once we were off writing the draft, we'd reach an emotional moment in a scene and say something like "CLIP TO COME: A single tear rolls down an Indian's cheek." The script would then be reviewed by a researcher who'd tell us, "Well, I don't have a crying Indian, but I do have a clip of a guy playing a a tiny violin." So we'd rewrite the script accordingly.

Every once in a while, we'd come across a clip that was so delightful we'd build an entire sequence around it. Jeff Strauss and I wrote an episode where a marathon sex session was intercut with dry narration of a rocket launch: "Yes, the big rocket was off, climbing into the atmosphere with a tremendous thrust of power." And then we'd cut to Martin, well... thrusting. You get the idea.

My favorite of these was an episode called "Calling the Kettle Black," which won us the coveted and defunct CableACE award. Martin finds a joint in his son's sock drawer and gives the kid the "just say no" speech. Cut to an old clip of Nancy Reagan saying "Good for you."

There was also an entire post-production phase where exec producer Kevin Bright would insert or alter clips to punch up a scene. Hence, in a way, the writing process continued all the way through editing.

So to return to the short answer: sometimes the clip tail would wag the writing dog, sometimes vice versa. It lent an additional level of difficulty to the scripts, but it also saved us from having to write subtext. And I think we can all say hurray for that.

Thanks, Jeff. Both for the answer and some GREAT shows over the years.

Advice for first-time showrunners...not that anyone asked

2011-07-27T05:55:00.000-07:00

Well, actually, someone did. Brian Hennessy. He submitted a Friday question that warrants an entire post. (Note: Whenever I can't think of an appropriate picture I always post Natalie Wood photos.)

Hey Ken - can I ask you what are mistakes that first time showrunners make?

1. Not communicating with your staff. It’s not enough to have your vision for the show; you need to clearly share it with your other writers. Don’t just assume. It’ll be hard enough for them without trying to figure out what’s in your head. Same is true with your editor and directors.

2. Be very organized. Time will go by much faster than you think. From day one lay out a plan. You want so many outlines by this date, so many first drafts by that date, etc.

3. Don’t squander that period before production begins. It’s easy to knock off early or move meetings back. But this is golden time before the crunch when actors arrive, cameras roll, and a thousand additional details require your attention.

4. Accept the fact that the first draft of the first script you receive from every staff member will look like a script from the last show they were on. It will take them time to adapt to your show.

5. Remember that every writer is not a “five-tool player” as they say in baseball. By that I mean, some may be strong at story but not jokes, or punch-up but not drafts. Not everybody is good at everything. Consider that when putting together your staff.

6. Hire the best writers not your best friends.

7. Hire at least one experienced writer. Otherwise, on top of everything else you're doing, you're re-inventing the wheel.

8. Don’t show favoritism to some writers over others. It destroys morale and no one loves a teacher’s pet.

9. Pick your fights with the network and studio. Don’t go to war over every little note. Antagonizing everyone all the time is a good way to ensure this will be your only showrunning gig. Yes, you’re an artist and you’re trying to protect your vision. And yes, a lot of the notes are moronic, but you have to hear them out. You have to consider them. You have to do the ones you can live with. The best way to get your way is to get them on your side.

10. Don’t overwork your staff. This goes back to being organized. There’s only so many times you can whip the same horse. Your people are dedicated to the show but not to the extent you are. They’re not getting any back end deals. They’re not getting interviewed by ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. This show may be your whole life but they want to go home.

11. Praise your staff. If they turn in a good draft, let ‘em know. This sounds like such a simple thing but you’d be surprised how many showrunners don’t do it.

12. Respect the crew and learn their names. When you walk onto the set, greet them. They’re not just a bunch of convicts picking up litter along the side of the expressway. They’re dedicated highly-trained professionals who never get any recognition. Take the time to know who they are.

13. Take care of yourself. On the weekends get plenty of sleep. Eat right. Relax. It’s a long haul.

14. Never make your staff work late nights if you’re not there with them.

15. Don’t get so caught up in the work and the grind that you forget to have some fun. You’re running your own show. That’s a rare opportunity. Enjoy it… or at least as much as you can before you have to put out another fire.

16. A good way to completely destroy any morale is to automatically put your name on every script and share credit with every writer. You may win in arbitration but you lose your troops. The trade off is not worth it. You’re getting paid more money than anybody already. Let your writers receive full credit and residuals.

17. Accept responsibility. When things go wrong (and they will) ultimately you’re the one in charge. Not saying you can’t make changes in personnel if someone doesn’t work out, but don’t be constantly playing the blame game. You’re the showrunner. You take the hit.

18. On the other hand, don’t take all the credit. When ideas and scripts and jokes come from other people, publicly acknowledge their contribution.

The bottom line is a showrunner has to develop people skills and management skills as well as writing skills. You may have enormous talent but that will do you no good when your staff firebombs your car with you in it. Good luck. The work is hard but the rewards are enormous. Wasn't Natalie gorgeous?

Camping in Los Angeles

2011-07-26T05:59:00.000-07:00

Going off to camp for the summer when I was a kid was a real East Coast thing. Growing up in LA, and living in the city, when I was nine my parents sent me to something called “Day Camp”. The “camp” was essentially a bus.

Every morning it picked me up and the first camp activity was driving around the Fairfax district for an hour picking up other campers.

Once we assembled with the other buses at the Big Town Market parking lot on Pico we set off for our daily adventures, which varied depending on the day and traffic.

Sometimes the bus would drop us off at a swimming school sandwiched between a beauty parlor and real estate office. We’d swim for a couple of hours and get back on the bus. We’d stop at a park and have lunch. Afternoon activities might include going to Griffith Park to go horseback riding, the Lido Theater on Pico Blvd. to see a movie, the La Brea Tar Pits (hours of fun there), a museum, and once a week – the beach. But the best was when we talked the counselors into stopping at the Rexall Owl Drug Store on Beverly and La Cienaga where we bought comic books and baseball cards.

These were all fun activities but half the day or more was spent commuting to these venues. At first the counselors (teenagers all) tried to get us all to sing rousing camp songs. That lasted three minutes. We were not a Kumbaya crowd. The resourceful counselors had a Plan B. They turned on the radio to KFWB, the big Top 40 station at the time. We could sing along to the hits of the day. Except we were eight and nine and few of us listened to rock n’ roll radio. None of these songs were familiar to us. The only music we recognized was commercials. So there we were – your typical campers – barreling down the 405 Freeway singing the Winston cigarette jingle.

We didn’t have a chance to write “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah” sob story letters to our parents. We went home every night. I guess if they still have Day Camps, disgruntled campers could send “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah” texts.

Still, Day Camp was preferable to just hanging around the neighborhood and doing nothing. And I accidentally grabbed one of the coed counselor’s breasts in the pool one day. At the time it meant nothing but a few years later I realized the magnitude of that event and was aroused for weeks.

My older cousin, Jeff went to sleep-away camp that summer and I went with my aunt to pick him up at session's end. The camp was in nearby Malibu canyon. We drove in, I got my first look at the facilities and HOLY SHIT!! There was a swimming pool so large it had a little island in the center. There was a baseball field and an arts & crafts cabin. At night they roasted marshmallows around a giant on-site campfire. There were rocks to climb, a handball court, and a dining hall. WHAT THE FUCK?! This was camp!

Over at Earl Pomerantz’s fine blog he’s been regaling us lately with his remembrances of going off to summer camp in Canada. Poignant, funny, and wistful tales of cookouts and activities at the lake and parent visiting days. Helping the counselors change a flat tire on the bus or getting lost on the way to Lion Country Safari and winding up in Newhall doesn’t exactly stack up.

But that Rexall Owl Drugs is still there (under a different name) and a few months ago I had occasion to stop in. They still sold comic books. And suddenly I was that nine-year-old boy again, excited and completely care free. God, it felt so good to once again commune with nature.

Is Jennifer Aniston really a slut?

2011-07-25T05:53:00.000-07:00

Saw HORRIBLE BOSSES recently. A lot of funny stuff. But one thing that didn’t work for me at all was Jennifer Aniston. As a foul-mouthed sex crazed slut I didn’t believe her for one second. I know it’s not fair to presume. In real life maybe she’s the whore of whores (so no disrespect), but on the screen that’s just not who she is. And every time she let fly a ration of raunch it was not just unconvincing (and unfunny) but uncomfortable.

Here’s what it felt like to me. A calculated move by Jennifer and/or her handlers to change her image so she’ll be offered a wider range of roles in the future – a future that is unjustly unfair to all actresses who have the audacity to turn 40. I wanted to yell at the screen, “Jennifer, you don’t have to do this! We love you and always will -- even when you start playing moms and business women.”

Jennifer is not alone in this. Remember when cute, pert, effervescent Meg Ryan decided to alter her persona by doing IN THE CUT? Yes, I was curious to see wholesome little Meg naked… for the first minute. Then it was like I had accidentally seen my cousin taking a shower. Creeee-py. (On the other hand, can you imagine how awful HOW HARRY MET SALLY would have been had it starred Sharon Stone?)

Many actors come with an image and it’s the Faustian Contract they sign with the devil to become stars. In LARRY CROWNE we’re supposed to buy that Julia Roberts is this caustic, bitter, world-weary woman. Yeah, right. Julia Roberts. With that smile (that you know she’ll be flashing at some point in the movie).

And producers, just because you have a chance to get a star – if he or she is not believable in the role you are not doing yourself a favor. 50 year-old Kevin Spacey playing 20 year-old Bobby Darin is a glaring example. I don’t think there was a scene in HOSTEL more squirm-inducing than Spacey as Darin coming on to Kate Bosworth who’s young enough to be his daughter. Ugghhh!!

I’m sure you can think of other instances, but here are some other actors who were mis-cast in roles. Kevin Costner as Robin Hood. What were they thinking? John Wayne as Genghis Khan in THE CONQUEROR. That one is truly stupefying. And then there was Denise Richards as a renown nuclear physicist in the Bond movie THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH. Holy shit!

Jennifer Aniston’s casting in HORRIBLE BOSSES is nowhere near that level of wrong, and to her credit, she does commit to the crude. But it’s not real. It’s Rachel with Tourettes. Seriously, Jen, we love you. We’re still here even after your last Adam Sandler movie. We’re not going anywhere. You can even do television again. (Oooh, I think I just heard her say “Fuck!” and that time it felt like she really meant it.)

Amy Winehouse 1983-2011

2011-07-24T18:09:00.000-07:00

When you first heard the news that Amy Winehouse had died I bet you weren’t remotely surprised. And to me that says it all. Because when anyone dies at the incredibly young age of 27 it should be an utter shock. But Amy’s battle with drugs and alcohol and probably any other substance that comes in a container with a little skull and crossbones on it was so relentless and so public that no one needed a SPOILER ALERT to see this one coming.

Ironically, Amy joins Rock n’ Roll Heaven headliners Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Brian Jones, and Kurt Cobain – all 27 at the time of their deaths.

I don’t know the exact age but I remember reading somewhere that the life expectancy of any rock star is somewhere in the 50’s. Granted, they pack 90 years of living in those 50+ years but still. That’s waaaaay too young.

And it brings up the question – is it worth it? The fame, the girls, the money, the highs? For me, absolutely not. But that’s really easy for me to say because I had no shot whatsoever of becoming a rock star. When the Beatles first burst upon the scene and every kid scrambled to learn how to play the guitar I took the lazy route and tried to master the harmonica. (Hey, John Lennon played one. And so did Bob Dylan. Of course, they played other instruments and were also talented.)

But looking back, it was a blessing. Amy Winehouse was given an enormous gift, which proved to be a deadly curse. It’s easy to say she made a lifestyle choice but that’s not entirely fair. Without her extraordinary voice would she still have gone down the same path? I couldn’t say. I never met Amy Winehouse. With no music in her life perhaps she would have lived another seventy years happily selling handbags at Harrod’s. Or her demise might’ve been two years earlier.

One thing for certain though -- rock stardom takes its toll. The demands are high. Touring, recording, losing Grammys to Milli Vanilli. Some handle it better than others. Not everyone dies. Some go on to become AMERICAN IDOL judges or golfers (Alice Cooper). But others, like Amy Winehouse, are not so fortunate.

Now come the tributes, the shrines, candlelight vigils. Her CD’s will top the charts, seventeen unauthorized biographies will be available by next week (each claiming to be the real story, even the one that blames her death on corn syrup in baked goods), the E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY will play on a continuous loop until the next rapper is gunned down, and the movie will be released next May. Talk about the part Lindsay Lohan was born to play.

Amy Winehouse crosses over from troubled, fucked-up rock singer to icon, martyr, legend.

I’m sorry but all of this makes it hard to mourn. I kind of hate admitting that but it's true. And that's almost as sad to me as her being only 27 and none of us being surprised.

Classic Sam Denoff

2011-07-24T05:52:00.000-07:00

As a follow-up to my recent post on Sam Denoff, here are two classic DICK VAN DYKE SHOWS written by Sam and his partner, Bill Persky. The first is "Coast to Coast Big Mouth", the script I first saw in a book. And the second is "That's My Boy", which contains one of the greatest payoffs in sitcom history. Enjoy.

Coast to Coast Big Mouth

That's My Boy

I'm represented at Comic-Con!

2011-07-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

I used to make fun of Comic-Con, especially the elaborate costumes and get-ups some attendees would wear. But no more. Not after seeing this. Finally! Someone has the good sense and taste to dress as Dancin' Homer. Whoever you are, sir, I salute you.

Thanks to reader WillieB for the heads-up.

My favorite weekend

2011-07-23T05:56:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm dipping into the archives but it's one of my favorite all-time posts, so what the hell? I've picked up a few new readers since it first ran three years ago.
The Thursday Calendar section of the LA TIMES always has a feature called “My Favorite Weekend”. A celebrity is asked to describe his or her favorite southland weekend. It’s always bullshit, but now it seems they’re running out of real celebrities. At one time it was Sharon Stone. Now it's one of the models who holds briefcases on DEAL OR NO DEAL. Like anyone gives a crap that she likes to go to Catalina with friends on Sunday then have dinner at someone’s house and let his chef prepare the meal.

So I wrote up my favorite weekend. Or at least, a typical weekend for me. And God bless the TIMES, they ran it. Here it is again just in case you're looking for something to do today and tomorrow.

Friday I like to get an early start and hit the cockfights in Tijuana. I enjoy the action and it’s fun to see all the young couples out on their first dates.

From there I’ll go to the Hotel Del Coronado for a swim to wash any blood off.

There’s a Stuart Anderson’s Black Angus restaurant in Oceanside right off Interstate 5. They have a three-course dinner for two that includes two sides. And on Friday you can get their signature clam chowder, just like the cowboys used to make.

Saturday morning I power walk from Westwood to Malibu, get the paper, then power walk home. Along the way I may stop at an artist friend’s house and pose for a bust.

For lunch I’ll meet some ex car thieves at Bob’s Big Boy in Toluca Lake. Their Big Boy hamburger is an LA classic, but I order their Super Big Boy hamburger because that one has meat in it.

After lunch and checking to see that one of my dining companions didn’t steal my XM radio, I amble over to the Twin Swallows Oriental Massage Parlor in nearby Inglewood for some pampering at negotiated rates.

Once that ends happily I head back home to work on my “project”. It’s been a ten year labor of love. I’m assembling a table I bought at Ikea in 1998.

For drinks at sunset, especially in the summer when the sky turns an awe inspiring crimson, I prefer the bar at the Shangri-La motel at the beach. Only wish it had a window so I could see outside.

If I went whale hunting the week before I’ll come home and grill it for dinner. I’ll invite some close friends I met on MySpace and we’ll eat, discuss the theater, sample fine wines, and toss water balloons at the useless neighborhood watch patrol car.

Early Sunday morning I reserve for calling back everyone who called me during the week. For some reason I usually wind up leaving messages on their voice mail. I’ve yet to reach my dentist.

For breakfast I’m cutting down on eggs so it’s back to the Shangri-La motel bar for a Ramos Gin Fizz. Those eggs can kill you.

Next I steal a horse and play polo at Will Rogers State Park. The guys love me because I usually bring the little orange juice boxes when we break for snacks.

I love star watching so for lunch I zip out to the Motion Picture Country Home and Hospital in Woodland Hills. Last week I saw the remaining cast members of MCHALE’S NAVY.

Sunday afternoon is culture time. You can’t be well informed if you don’t read. Currently I’m poring through Helen Reddy’s autobiography.

Sunday evening is sushi so that means Angel Stadium in Anaheim. There’s nothing like watching the Halos duel the Kansas City Royals and hearing that vendor come down the aisle yelling “Hey, sushi right here! Get yer yellowtail!”

I get home, use the neighbor’s Jacuzzi if he’s not home, watch the CELEBRITY FIT CLUB and then it’s time for bed. The great thing about LA is that it’s not just me – EVERYONE here has weekends like this.

Can Emmys cause tension on the set? Does Raggedy Ann have cloth tits?

2011-07-22T05:55:00.000-07:00

More Friday questions for your mid-summer pleasure. What’s yours???

Wendy M. Grossman gets us started with an Emmy question:

I note that one of my favorite shows, The Good Wife, has multiple nominees in a couple of categories. Do the actors manage to be genuinely happy for each other and regard it as a joint reward for a team effort, or does it cause strain when this happens? I imagine a lot depends on the general atmosphere on the set - and TGW is full of experienced stage actors who are (I would think) more geared to thinking of themselves as a team. But it has to be tricky on the night.

Can’t speak for THE GOOD WIFE but on some shows Emmy competition can cause tremendous tension. When Christine Baranski won an Emmy for CYBILL and Ms. Shepherd didn’t that merely set off World War III on the set.

From what I hear, on MODERN FAMILY no such friction exists. I have a feeling it's that way on THE GOOD WIFE too. There was never a problem I observed on CHEERS or FRASIER.

I was directing an episode of EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND that began production the day after that year’s Emmys. Both Ray Romano and Patty Heaton were nominated. Ray lost and Patty won. This was my first directing assignment for that show. I didn’t know what to expect but I was holding my breath. Ray could not have been more gracious. He gathered the entire cast and crew to congratulate Patty and celebrate her win. No wonder everybody loves that guy.

Steven asks:

I recently started watching episodes of Cheers again and one thing that struck me as peculiar was the camera angles and how on many episodes there will be scenes where you can clearly see the edge of the set and background of the studio (i.e. one being the episode where 'John Hill' has a heart attack and in the scene where 'Carla Tortelli' visits him in the hospital room you can clearly see about a foot off the set to the left). Is there any reason for this or was it just an error in production?

I’m guessing you’re now watching the episodes on HD. Those shows were filmed before HD. They’re framed for the traditional TV set. The HD borders are larger and that’s why from time to time you may see off the set.

By the time I was directing BECKER in the ‘90s I had to frame shots for both and at times that was very difficult. The HD picture would look fine but horribly composed for the traditional frame. Heads were cut off, little things like that. But if I set the shot for the traditional frame I’d encounter that same problem of shooting off the set. And if I compromised, neither shot looked good. At the time I cheated more towards the traditional frame. Today I would do just the opposite.

Back when we had a multi-camera pilot in the late ‘70s, one of our cameramen was maybe the worst ever. He pulled back for a master so far that you could literally see the guy on the catwalk perched over the set. And we didn’t know this until we screened the dailies. There was no video assist back then. We had to rely on the camera operators to tell us if they had missed a shot. I guess seeing a guy in the catwalk did not qualify as an unusable shot to this moron.

From bettyd:

You have called baseball for both the National League and the American League. You also said you didn't like interleague play (although I assume the World Series is OK with you!). Which league do you prefer to call, or doesn't it matter?

It doesn’t matter. It’s the particular game itself rather than which league it’s in.

There’s more strategy in the National League, which is fun. But there tends to be more scoring in American League games due to the Designated Hitter so I get more highlights on postgame show, and really, isn’t that what it’s all about? I’ll be back on the air with the Mariners starting August 1st for nine games, by the way.

And finally, from Steve J.:

As a Cheers viewer, it always bugged me when there'd be an episode where Sam and Woody would be off having adventures, as I pictured poor Carla tending bar and waiting tables all by herself. Then, of course, there were also episodes where all three of them would be away from the bar at the same time, presumably leaving it either closed or unmanned.

Was there ever a temptation to explain on the show how Cheers stayed in business when the staff was constantly skipping out? A throwaway line about other employees at the bar we just never saw or something? Or were you fine with not overthinking it?

Oh, this is a topic came up almost weekly. We decided to not try to cover this inconsistency since there really was no plausible explanation.

But trust me, someone in the writers room was always saying, “So who’s running the bar? Is Cheers on the honor system?”

Billy Wilder used to call it "Movie Magic". I prefer to go with that.

Jeff Katzenberg says today's movies suck

2011-07-21T05:54:00.000-07:00

If you think the current crop of summer releases are bad….

You’re not alone. No less than Jeffrey Katzenberg agrees with you. Katzenberg, former head of Touchstone, Dreamworks, and currently grand poo-bah of Dreamworks Animation in a recent interview for Fortune magazine in front of a Brainstorm Tech audience bitched about all the subpar 3-D entries and blamed it on "a singular and unique characteristic that only exists in Hollywood, greed."

Ouch!

Okay, so lowered interest in 3-D movies hurts Dreamworks Animation, which is making all of its features in 3-D, but why quibble? (If we’re going to be real picky we might suggest that greed also exists on Wall Street but that’s getting off the subject.)

Jeff was just getting started.

Katzenberg asked for a show of hands of audience members who "would say the last seven or eight months of movies is the worst lineup of movies you've experienced in the last five years of your life." Tons of hands shot up. Mr. K. agreed. "They suck. It's unbelievable how bad movies have been ... right now today it's a particularly dreary moment."

And that’s before THE CHANGE-UP has even come out!

I can’t say that I disagree. This has definitely been a summer of bad sequels, bad teachers, and bad bosses. Even Pixar had a misfire. Every comic book hero other than Little Lulu has been brought to life. We were even subjected to another Jim Carrey movie. Star power has meant nothing. Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Will Ferrell, and even fan-favorite Mel Gibson couldn’t open a film.

Lots of people grouse about the state of today’s movies (when they’re not grousing about the movie experience – talking, texting, ticket prices, teenagers). But what’s significant here is that it’s Jeffrey Katzenberg, one of Hollywood’s OWN. Not just some disgruntled blogger idiot but a legitimate power player. He has to bump into the studio heads who greenlit these cow pies at Spagos, screenings, and ski slopes. He travels in the same circles as the creative community he just crushed. I applaud his candor. These were statements made not without risk. Labor Day weekend with the Hanks in the Hamptons might be in jeopardy.

Will his words have any effect? Of course not. If he was right about the movies sucking he was even more right that the industry is run on greed. I’m sure next summer there will be BRIDESMAIDS 2, TRANSFORMERS 4, and if we’re real lucky – ZOOKEEPER 2. Even Terrence Malick’s TREE OF LIFE 2 is on the fast-track to be released summer 2024.

But he said it. He didn’t blame the recession, Netflix, Carmageddon, Global Warming, the Tea Party, Ohio State football, or iPads. Today’s movies are bad this summer. And if nothing else, it will be a topic at Mastro’s. At least until someone brings up HARRY POTTER and how much money it’s making and everyone will feel good about themselves again.

Sam Denoff & Sherwood Schwartz

2011-07-20T05:58:00.000-07:00

Sam Denoff

I always wanted to be Sam Denoff. And Sherwood Schwartz (for different reasons). We lost them both last week. This is the first chance I've had to write about them but I couldn't let their passings go without comment. And deep appreciation.

1975 was when I quit my radio job (okay, I was fired, but I was offered another radio job and didn’t take it) and moved back to Los Angeles to seriously pursue a career in TV comedy writing. I worked at a dead-end job during the day and at night furiously wrote spec scripts with my partner, David Isaacs.

One Sunday – and this will tell you how very long ago it was – I walked into a bookstore. (Note: there used to be retail establishments that carried books you could buy. You could browse the shelves, stand around and skim through a portion of one, and then if you decided to purchase it, you would approach a live person, hand him money or a credit card, and then get to take the book home that day. Wacky, huh?)

At the time, I devoured all books on comedy writing. (There were also no blogs back then.) In one a full script was included. This served as an example of the perfect teleplay. It was “Coast to Coast Big Mouth” from THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. I bought that book and must’ve read that script a hundred times. I was in awe. It was a major inspiration to me. And the gold standard. Someday I wanted to write a script – just one – that was that good. So good it was in a book!

That script was written by Sam Denoff & Bill Persky.

Sam became one of my idols. I followed his career. And he shaped mine. Sometimes it seemed he was writing directly to me. I wanted to be a comedy writer – he wrote on THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW about a comedy writer. I also wanted to be a funny radio disc jockey. He co-created GOOD MORNING WORLD about a funny morning disc jockey team. I desperately wanted a girlfriend. He co-created THAT GIRL. If I may paraphrase the Roberta Flack hit, he was “Killing Me Softly With His Jokes”.

I only got to meet him one time and it was a somewhat surreal experience. I was invited to be on a nationally syndicated radio show to discuss comedy. Turns out the broadcast emanated not from a radio station or a recording studio but some dude’s backyard in the Valley. I sat around a pool chatting on the air with the host, Sam Denoff, and crazy-person, Marty Ingels. On the one hand it was great to be thought of as a peer of one of my comedy writing heroes, on the other I was also a peer of a total nut.

After the broadcast, Sam and I spoke for awhile. He couldn’t have been nicer. I’m always interested in the creative process, especially in teams. Sam told me he and his partner always wrote head-to-head, never just splitting up scenes and going off separately. That’s the way David and I work too. We must be doing something right if the great Persky & Denoff wrote that way. I told him of the book and he was delighted that his work was used as a tool to help teach young writers.

A few years later FRASIER put out a book of selected scripts including one of ours. You can imagine the significance of that to me. When as a young struggling writer I used to dream of that and saw it as a great “I have arrived” moment. Now I view it as a great “Pay it forward” opportunity. Thanks for everything, Sam Denoff.

Sherwood Schwartz

In an industry that believes when you turn 30 you automatically lose the ability to make people laugh, Sherwood Schwartz proved that being funny is ageless. I got to know him a little in his later years. His granddaughter was dating my son for awhile. Well into his 90’s and Sherwood was sharp and funny and insightful as could be. I once got the chance to drive him home after a family brunch and it was a treat just to hear him to riff on the topics of the day. I’d say the man forgot more about comedy than most people ever knew but Sherwood never forgot anything.

He’s much maligned of course because the two hit shows he created – GILLIGAN’S ISLAND and THE BRADY BUNCH – were hardly sophisticated fare. But I’m here to tell you, to create a monster hit television program that made such a big impact and remains on the air today is damn near impossible. It’s a once-in-a-billion chance. And this man created TWO. I envy his success and what a kind-hearted person he was. A lot of the fortune he made off those shows have gone to worthy charities. I so wish he had owned the Dodgers.

But because GILLIGAN’S ISLAND and THE BRADY BUNCH were not considered high art, the industry never took him seriously. Explain to me why Mark Burnett creates mindless reality shows and is a considered a genius while Sherwood Schwartz created beloved long-enduring sitcoms and Hollywood looked down its nose at him. I dare say more kids benefited from lessons learned on THE BRADY BUNCH than from CELEBRITY APPRENTICE.

Sherwood was also a good sport. The 1995 BRADY BUNCH MOVIE directed by Betty Thomas was hilarious. But it was also poked a lot of fun at the TV series. A more thin-skinned creator would have nixed that script in a minute. But not Sherwood. He thought it was funny like everyone else. You don’t get the Midas Touch by accident. THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE was a boxoffice hit. Sherwood Schwartz knew what worked.

Sam Denoff was 83. Sherwood Schwartz was 94. I will miss them both. But I take comfort in knowing their laughs will go on forever.

All that was missing was Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn

2011-07-19T05:57:00.000-07:00

Back home from my son, Matt’s wedding to Kim in Palo Alto. I’m left with precious memories and bills. Thanks so much to all of you who have offered best wishes and mazal tovs.

Here’s a brief recap of the festivities:

We arranged for guests to stay at the Palo Alto Westin and their sister hotel, the next door Sheraton. Everyone who booked at the Westin got great rooms. Large, spacious, adjoining patios, some received suites. We got a room the size of a closet next to an ice machine, complete with faulty plumbing and a broken safe. And we’re Gold Card members. The Sheraton was also very accommodating to our guests except they wouldn’t upgrade the bridal party. But in a nod to romance they did offer them one night’s free parking.

My lovely wife provided all of our out-of-towners gift bags filled with the essentials like water, cookies, sunscreen, maps, “things to do” suggestions, Kettle Korn, and lip gloss. Not one wedding photo was ruined due to chapped lips! Debby also hosted two fabulous parties. This woman deserves a medal or at least her own reality show.

One plus to the hotels is that they’re only a few blocks from University Avenue, the main drag of Stanford University. Great bars, restaurants, and (look quick) a Borders bookstore. But you’re advised to walk there instead of drive. It’s a little tricky to get from University Avenue to El Camino (where the hotels are) and for some reason it completely baffles the Prius GPS system. The route kept looping in and around itself. It looked on the screen like an instruction manual for tying a shoe. I think we ended up in Napa Valley.

The weather all weekend was ideal. Sunny but not hot, and 56% humidity – the perfect number for keeping all bridal party dresses wrinkle-free (after numerous portable steamer touch-ups).

The site itself was breathtaking. Mountain Terrace in Woodside, a gorgeous setting overlooking the San Francisco Bay and China. You wind up this steep mountain for seemingly ever and there it is… next to a biker bar. This is where Opie and Lyla on SONS OF ANARCHY should have gotten hitched. Also, across the street is Alice’s Restaurant (where I’m sure you can get anything you want except Alice). I’m guessing they don’t get a lot of walk-in trade.

But once on the grounds you enter a different world. One of serenity, beauty, and free of exhaust.

Had the rehearsal. Not like anything I’ve ever directed. I’m used to people saying, “Why can’t I stand over there?” “What if I gave her the ring?” “You mean I have to follow the grandmother?”

On the morning of the wedding all of the bridesmaids went off for five hours to get their hair and make up done. Now I can understand why they'd need five hours when they try to make Cher look 50, but these are pretty girls in their 20’s. Some lip gloss from our welcome bags and they should be good to go.

Why have a “Maid of Honor”? Doesn’t that just piss off the other bridesmaids?

Am I the only nimrod who can’t figure out all the clips and studs when putting on a rented tuxedo? Invariably I put my cummerbund on upside down, and asphyxiate myself with the bow tie. And borrowed formal wear is one thing, but wearing rented shoes is just weird.

Still, as I Tweeted at the time -- it was nice to wear a tuxedo and not lose an Emmy.

Shuttle vans whisked the guests up to the venue. There may be some who took their own cars. If so, they’re still up there somewhere.

Kim, the bride, was absolutely radiant. And she made the wedding dress herself. Next year at the Oscars when Ryan Seacrest asks Anne Hathaway “Who are you wearing?” I fully expect her to say “Kim Shultz!”

The ceremony was very moving. I decided not to live-blog during it. The rabbi was terrific and even did a few biker jokes. At one point Matt and Kim circled each other seven times. Good thing they didn’t do this before they walked down the aisle. If you’ve ever seen that contest held at minor league ballparks where fans have to circle a bat ten times and then run to first base, you see they get totally disoriented. Bride and groom might have veered off and crashed into trees or trampled through the audience. You don’t want that.

Fortunately, that was at the beginning of the service, stepping on the glass was at the end. If the glass breaking immediately followed the circling, both Matt and Kim would be stomping around for ten minutes trying to find the glasses.

What struck me the most about the ceremony was that I had never seen my son happier. Nor Kim. This is one couple that truly is meant to be together.

The key to any good wedding of course is the efficiency of the bartenders. And I’m happy to say Charlie Sheen would be proud to hire this crew.

Matt’s sister, Annie was a big hit. The dessert was gourmet cupcakes and Annie designed a replica Fenway Park to showcase them (complete with a hand-drawn Green Monster). And then her speech was one of the highlights of the night. Example: “When my brother told me he had a new girlfriend who was also an engineer and loves the Red Sox I thought, ‘my brother has an imaginary girlfriend’.”

For their first dance Matt and Kim selected “Sweet Caroline”, a Bosox staple. Thank goodness the Dodgers aren't their favorite team. Their first dance might have been “Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?”

Here’s one tradition I never understood: The bride and groom on chairs hoisted into the air. Held up by eight drunk groomsmen. Safer to me would be walking into the biker bar and telling them to keep it down.

Wow! Matt is marrying into a family that can really dance.

My speech was delivered during the rehearsal dinner. Here is an excerpt -- wedding tips for the happy couple. You’re welcome to heed them yourself.

Find out what Paul Newman & Joanne Woodward did for fifty and just do that.

If you decide to have children, the best way to love them is to love each other first.

Find something other than a Red Sox win to set the mood for sex.

Remove your names from Match.com.

Intimacy is vitally important. At least once a day text each other that you love them.

Making mix tapes is douchy. You’re married now. Cut that crap out.

Move your parents down on your speed dial. Your spouse is number one.

Breathe Right strips help prevent snoring. Get some.

Be supportive of each other’s work. Since neither of you have a freaking clue as to what the other does, at least be positive.

Never eat at Jerry’s Deli.

And finally -- Love will keep you together. Laughter will keep you in love.

All in all, a spectacular event. Even the bikers got a little choked up. Congratulations again, from your sappy old dad.

Minor league announcer quits on the air

2011-07-18T18:51:00.000-07:00

Life in the minors isn't as idyllic as BULL DURHAM would have you believe. Recently, the Lake County Fielders, from the North American Baseball League, experienced a mutiny. On July 9, Lake County manager Tim Johnson resigned before a game and eleven of his players refused to play in protest. Apparently they were not getting paid. (No, Frank McCourt had nothing to do with this. Actually, a part owner of the Fielders is Kevin Costner.)

Things got wackier. A few nights later, Jose Canseco player/manager of an opposing team pitched against the Fielders. The following day, Lake County traded nine players and released fourteen others.

And then their play-by-play announcer, Qumar Zaman, quit on the air. Here's his final sign-off and it's a doozy.

Let's go shopping at the Sky Mall

2011-07-18T05:51:00.000-07:00

Summer is officially here, which means summer travel. After you’ve had a relaxing morning removing all your clothes in front of a thousand strangers who are also shedding their garments, getting a full-body X-Ray, finding no room in the overhead compartments for your carry-on, being squeezed into a center seat between a fat person and a screaming baby, and sitting out on the tarmac for an hour before taking off, you’re duly rewarded by the chance to shop from the comfort of your undersized seat. Time for another look at the SkyMall magazine to see what great gifts at great prices are currently being offered. These are actual items. And still more functional than some of the wedding gifts my son Matt & Kim received.

You’re welcome, by the way.

“The Peeing Boy of Brussels” Statue and Fountain – Class up your joint with this delightful fountain of a boy urinating. $175 (includes pump but you must provide your own yellow dye)

Sunglasses That Float – For really stupid people who think this is a great life preserver. $89.95 (but what’s the price of saving your life?)

A electronic grocery list organizer – Now you’ll never have to write a shopping list ever again! Just think of all the paper and ink you’ll save! Only $89.99.

The Weed Whacking Golf Driver – Brings new meaning to multi-tasking. $39.95

The Grand Tiki Table – Who wouldn’t want this tasteful item in their home? $99.95.

The Headache Relieving Wrap – Yes, it may appear to be like any other normal head wrap, but it was developed by a neurologist (although they don’t say who). And don’t let the fact that people are laughing at you for wearing it take away from the supposed benefits. Sure you could take a Tylenol for thirty cents, but isn’t it better to buy this for only $49,95?

The Eye Fatigue Preventing Fit Over Sunglasses – They go over your regular glasses and dwarf your face making you look 80 years-old, but at only $79,95 they’re a real bargain. Unless you go into CVS and get the same thing for six bucks.

The Always Cool Pillow – As opposed to taking any pillow and just putting it in the refrigerator for ten minutes. $89.95. Unless of course, by “cool” they’re referring to being in style – in which case, this item is a steal because you know hard it is to keep up with pillow fashion.

Bone Shaped Pillows – For your dogs. Comes in seven colors even though dogs can’t see colors. $19.95. Buy a bunch because dogs tend to eat bones.

Authentic Notre Dame Bench – along with authentic Notre Dame splinters. $249.99. I’d get a couple of dog bone pillows because those benches are hard.

Captain Jack Sparrow’s Sword Letter Opener – Because you know how much mail pirates get! $19.95.

Captain Jack Sparrow’s Onyx Flower Ring – Something like this should cost an arm and a peg leg but it’s yours for only $129.00!

The World’s First Hands-Free Home Use Laser Hair Therapy Treatment to Combat Hair Loss – Hannibal Lector-type helmet for men who can’t be embarrassed enough by wearing jaw-dropping toupees. $499.

Chemistry Clock – Each number relates to the corresponding atomic element. Here’s what it says about you – you’re organized, scientific, and will never get laid in a million-trillion years. $29.95.

Have your credit card ready!

The Levine/Shultz wedding

2011-07-17T05:58:00.000-07:00

This is a very special day. My son Matt managed to find "the one" and today he and Kim are getting married. (She found "the one" too.) I couldn't be more thrilled. Talk about two people made for each other. They both watch Red Zone every Sunday during football season. They both are crazed Red Sox fans. They both can provide tech help when I need it.

We're so delighted to welcome Kim into our loving-albeit-strange family. I know she and Matt will enrich each others lives and provide each other with joy, laughter, and Fantasy Football tips for years and years to come.

I love you both. And I'm going to sign off now before someone sings "Sunrise/Sunset" and I start to cry. Mazal tov.

Dad

Carmageddon

2011-07-16T05:51:00.000-07:00

In honor of Carmageddon here's a very funny video. They have been alternate versions but this is one devoted to LA's current situation -- the 405 Freeway, which connects the Valley to the Westside is closed all weekend for repairs. Look, when you're talking comedy gold, you can't beat Hitler. For the folks in Los Angeles, you might as well watch. You're not going anywhere.

From the 405 to the 4077

2011-07-15T05:57:00.000-07:00

The main corridor between the San Fernando Valley and the Westside of Los Angeles will be closed starting tonight all through the weekend. The traffic should be so bad that even though I’m currently in Palo Alto, we should still have grid lock. Anyway, here are some Friday questions to ponder while LA people frantically try to get out of town, and non-LA people laugh hysterically.

Gazzoo starts us off:

Your final writing credit for MASH was “Goodbye Radar”, apparently written as the 7th season finale but held back (at the network’s request) till the 8th season. Did Gary Burghoff or anyone have special requests for the episode in terms of storyline or particular scenes? And by the time the episode was produced you and David were no longer the head writers, did the new regime tinker with your script at all? Any other tidbits?

No one had any special requests, but David and I were very adamant that we didn’t want a sappy ending. That’s why we constructed the final sequence so that all of the final goodbyes were during triage and the farewells had to be quick and on the run.

I’m a big fan of “little touches”. Hawkeye discovering Radar’s teddy bear on his bed says more about how Radar matured from the MASH experience than any speech could have ever done, no matter how eloquently it was written.

We also wanted to send Radar home happy. Henry Blake was killed and Frank went bonkers. We wanted Radar to return home having benefited somewhat from the experience. He grew up and found love in Korea.

Originally it was a just a single episode but when CBS decided to push it back into the 8th season they asked that it be expanded into a two-parter.

The new staff rewrote very very little of our draft (thanks for that, guys). I don’t believe a line was changed from the entire final act. One day I’ll get Gary Burghoff to write about the episode from his perspective.

Richard Leslie Lewis is a British writer who just came back from a BBC Writers’ Festival. Showrunners there claimed they only wanted to see original specs. So here’s his question:

Why do American companies insist on writers specing current shows?

Because we want to see how you write other peoples’ shows. Can you capture the tone and style? Do your characters sound like the actual characters on the show? Yes, everyone is looking for that fresh new voice, but in America, more than likely, your first job (or several jobs) will be toiling on someone else’s show. Can you adapt to their vision?

Mirror James (also from England) wonders:

Steven Moffat and Russell T. Davies, his predecessor on Doctor Who, often seem to be the targets of abuse from people who claim to be fans. Everything from saying they can't write to accusations of running a so-called "gay agenda", in which the mere acknowledgement that gay people exist is apparently "shoving it down their throats".

Have you ever had a bad experience with a fan who claims to love a show yet can't seem to do anything other than hurl insults?

Only all the time. Fans are passionate about their shows. I got a hate letter on MASH from someone who thought Hawkeye was being too mean to Radar. Other loyal MASH viewers claimed in profanity-laced missives that I was a liberal Commie dupe hell bent on destroying America.

The "gay agenda" complaint was a staple on FRASIER. Referring to this and the "we're too liberal" charge on MASH, I like to think we had an "open minded agenda".

My favorite was a letter I received when David and I were showrunning the MARY series. It started out like this:

Dear Producers,

Recently I read an article in TV GUIDE that spoke of the growing cocaine problem in the television industry. At first I thought they were grossly exaggerating, but then I watched an episode of your show…

I will say this though – no one ever called me an “asshat”.

And finally, from Chris:

How do they shoot/do those scenes when the audience laughs just when the camera zooms on something, like a silent opening with the camera zooming on what a character is reading and just then the audience starts to laugh?

I assume you mean a studio audience. There are always monitors overhead and they will be invited to watch them for particular scenes or moments. Often special scenes will be pre-shot and just shown to the audience. What they see is what you’ll see at home so they receive the same surprise.

What’s your question?

My thoughts on the Emmy nominations

2011-07-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

The Emmy nominations were announced today. I slept through them. I hope I don’t do that through the ceremony too. The first thing I did was scan down to make sure Margo Martindale was nominated for her work on JUSTIFIED. She was. I’m happy. Glad that a few of the JUSTIFIED cast members got noms – Timothy Oliphant and Walton Goggins – but sorry the series didn’t get a Best Drama nomination or writing nomination. That said, it’s hard to argue with any of the choices for Best Show in either Comedy or Drama. As for Mini-series – whatever. They’re probably all amazing. I don’t watch Mini-series.

BIG BANG THEORY got Best Comedy love for the first time. BREAKING BAD got zero nominations due to a technicality – they didn’t have any shows air during the eligibility period.

I don’t watch GLEE. Did the actors who got nominated from that show survive the recent firings? If no, if one of the fired cast members got nominated, then that’s who I’m rooting for.

They should just change the category of Guest Actor/Actress in a Drama to Guest Movie Star in a Drama.

I think BOARDWALK EMPIRE is going to have a tougher time winning an Emmy for Best Drama than Golden Globe. I’m guessing MAD MEN wins again this year. They had one of their strongest seasons.

Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy got recognized for their work in BRIDESMAIDS by each receiving Emmy nominations.

What a shock – Betty White got nominated.

I wonder how many actors who were nominated were originally not approved by the network and only got the gig because the show runners fought for them? I bet a half dozen at least.

My sincerest congratulations to all the nominees. Now begins that lovely bask period.

Again this year I’ll be reviewing the Emmys… if I’m awake. I imagine the theme will be Celebrating the Rich History of Television Excellence and then not show any program that aired before 1990.

This is my second post of the day so if you’re just arriving for the first time, stick around for my HARRY POTTER post just below. My Ted Danson to CSI thoughts will be on Twitter. You're welcome to follow me. Thanks.

The new Harry Potter movie

2011-07-14T05:58:00.000-07:00

I hate to be out of touch! I always feel so inadequate when there’s a national phenomenon and I’m out of the loop. As a blogger of popular culture (not that anybody is paying me… or even asking me to be a blogger of popular culture) I do sort of feel it’s my responsibility to stay up with current trends. That’s why I watched AMERICAN IDOL (until it became too mind numbing even for me). That’s why I watched Oprah (well, maybe not “watch” per se, but I did see clips on THE SOUP). I’d watch MTV to see the hottest new bands but they don’t play music on MTV anymore (so the “M” now just stands for what, Money?). I’m familiar with video games like Bio-Shock (so I can accept compliments from people who think I’m the Ken Levine who created it). I own an iPad. The point is – I make it my business to ride zeitgeists like they were plow horses.

So it pains me to say, with the final HARRY POTTER movie coming out this week, that I am not into Harry Potter.

I tried. I read the first book and loved it. So brimming with imagination. Saw the first movie and thought they did an excellent job of translating it to film. But by nature, I’m not a big fantasy guy.

I read another Harry Potter book along the way. Enjoyed it but not as much. 700 pages is a lot of wizards and wands for me. Saw one of the other Harry movies. Same thing. Okay but didn’t grab me.

And then last year, all the hoopla about the final two installments coming out. And the emphatic declarations that this would indeed be the end of the series. The kids in the cast are now old enough to star in THE SUNSHINE BOYS.

I didn’t catch part one when it was released during the holiday season. Misreading the zeitgeist horribly, I just naturally assumed everyone was going to be flocking to BURLESQUE.

But I was curious. Not curious enough to do anything but mildly interested just the same.

And then recently my daughter Annie and her writing partner, Jonathan rented the DVD of part one and invited me to watch it with them. Perfect! I thought. I’ll be able to catch up and at the same time enjoy a rip-roaring movie.

I made it through an hour. I was so confused. And that’s with Annie & Jon trying to fill me in. Harry and the gang fly to some house somewhere in the moors to hide from someone, but the location is not so secret that they can’t entertain guests and even have an outdoor party. And then suddenly they’re back in London at a present day coffee shop and then another old house where a creature arrives and then someone else, and then they go through a portal to another world where they have to get a locket, and then it becomes MAD MEN meet THE MATRIX, and now Harry has to wear the locket, and every so often he has dreams where he can see what evil his nemesis is doing, and… WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING??

If you’ve followed the series and are up on Harry Potter lore all of this made complete sense. Annie & Jon were having a rollicking good time. My head was about to explode.

So I won’t be seeing the new HARRY POTTER movie that opens this weekend. I feel bad about that. Not bad enough to go back and watch six movies or read 15,000 pages, but I do feel like I've been excluded from a club. And not a real exclusive club either. A club that’s easier to join than Costco.

Still, this is one worldwide craze I’m going to have sit out. Enjoy the final HARRY POTTER. I hope it lives up to all your expectations or even exceeds them. And don’t worry about me. I’ll be in the theater next door, hedging my bet just in case there will be a BAD TEACHER 2-9.

Meeting Prince Charles

2011-07-13T05:57:00.000-07:00

Thank God I’m getting out of town. My son Matt is getting married on Sunday in the Bay Area so I’m outta here. But he could not have picked a more perfect weekend (or girl for that matter) than this one because starting late Friday night it is CARMEGEDDON in Los Angeles. You’ve probably heard about it… even in the outer reaches of Bhutan. The freeway that is the major artery between the Westside of LA and the San Fernando Valley will be closed for over 50 hours this weekend as they make improvements and knock down a bridge. Why they can’t knock down the bridge during normal traffic flow is beyond me. So a few cars are crushed? We’re talking MAJOR inconvenience here. Fortunately, I’ll be miles away heavily drinking.

There was a rumor that the reason for the closure was the visit by Will & Kate. Not true. And even if it were, they need 55 hours to get from the 110 to the Santa Monica Freeway? W & K are in town but just getting around via simple motorcade and police escort.

Still, it reminds me of when Prince Charles came to Twentieth Century Fox to visit MASH. This was 1977 or ’78. I meet so much royalty I never can keep the dates straight. Truth be told, he was really there to see CHARLIE’S ANGELS but since he was in the neighborhood…

The studio wanted to look its best for the prince so all the buildings were re-painted. Well… not all the buildings. Only the sides of the buildings that were in his view along his motorcade route. So it would be the front of one, the side of another, etc.

And before you say, “that’s unbelievable” let me just correct you and say “that’s typical”.

I did get to meet Prince Charles. Was in a receiving line on the MASH stage. When I shook his hand I just couldn’t resist. I asked, “What career advice would you give young people thinking of getting into your profession?” To his credit he laughed. But my reception on BBC America is always bad and every British Airlines flight I’ve ever taken since has been delayed.

Happy driving, Los Angeles.

SPOILER ALERT: A post about spoiler alerts

2011-07-12T05:54:00.000-07:00

Mary McNamara wrote a great article yesterday in the LA Times on SPOILER ALERTS. In this age of Twitter and instant communication it’s more difficult to keep endings secret.

As a blogger I try to be sensitive to this issue (I’m also a screenwriter and would hate to have my surprise ending revealed before I have your money or Neilson has recorded that you’ve watched my show), but at some point you have to say, come on, I’m not leaking atomic secrets here!

At what point is it reasonably fair to discuss a movie or show’s plot points? Emily Post’s etiquette guide has no guidelines for internet and social network traffic. What good is she?!

Ms. McNamara contends that once a show airs on NATIONAL TELEVISION it should be fair game. I agree. As a producer, my beef with networks was always giving away surprises in the promos before the episode even aired. Same with movie trailers. But once a project is out there for public consumption, then all bets are off.

You want to wait until the end of a season, rent the DVD, and watch a whole year of THE GOOD WIFE at one time? Fine. Then avoid any blogs, articles, Twitter mentions, and any of the 20,000,000 people who have already seen the show.

I get angry readers all the time who complain that I have spoiler alerts. Even if I hold off a couple of days. One guy from England was really pissed because I discussed an episode of 24 and they were a season behind over there. I’m supposed to wait a year after a show airs in America before I can post about it? Is it okay yet to reveal who shot J.R.?

It’s almost impossible to write a review without giving away something. Otherwise, what are you writing?

BRIDESMAIDS is a very funny comedy about… some women who have something in common all tied to a certain event. If you plan on attending such an event you really should see this movie.

I never read reviews of movies I’m looking forward to seeing. And if I know it’s one everybody is going to be talking about I see it as soon as possible. If there’s a TV show I DVR, the onus is on me to see it before the cast is on INSIDE THE ACTOR’S STUDIO.

If you’re in a restaurant and you overhear some loudmouth at the next table give away the ending to THE CRYING GAME there’s nothing you can do (unless you just want to never leave your place – and avoiding spoiler alerts is a really poor reason for becoming an agoraphobic), but you don’t have to always be on Twitter, or Facebook, or ESPN (if you don’t want hear a certain score).

Spoilers are annoying but to me the trade off is that we now get information so much faster – almost instantaneously. Isn’t it better in general to know too much instead of not enough?

Has the sitcom bar been lowered?

2011-07-11T05:48:00.000-07:00

In a hotel room not long ago I found myself channel surfing. First I checked the pay channels. None of the recently released Hollywood features were any good. God, Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston have made some bad movies. And their one together is biblical in its badness. I bet hotels are really starting to take a bath on this feature. Now that everyone has a laptop we can Netflix and see the same “blockbusters” for free (although warning: that Sandler/Aninston bomb will likely crash your computer faster than any Trojan Virus). And who needs to pay for softcore “Adult Fare” when there are only a billion hardcore porn sites right there at your idle hand fingertips?

So I just surfed through the stations. I had seen the LAW & ORDER, LAW & ORDER SVU, LAW & ORDER: UK, and LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT that were all playing. ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT has become CHARLIE SHEEN TONIGHT. Some college basketball game from only two months ago was being replayed on ESPN “CLASSIC”. And FOX NEWS was blaming Obama for the tornadoes.

Finally, I came upon a CHEERS episode. It had just started. From the teaser I recognized it as one my partner, David Isaacs and I had written. It was from one of the later years and I remember it not really being our best work. When you write 40 episodes of a series there are going to be your favorites and your least favorites. This was in the latter category. Not that I thought it was bad per se, just… “okay”. One of those episodes that fills out the season.

So needless to say, I hadn’t seen it in awhile. Years actually. Why would I want to go back and watch something I didn’t particularly like?

Okay, I can almost hear you screaming at the screen. “Which episode was it??!!”

It was the one where Norm & Cliff, as a goof, cancel Frasier’s credit card, so the card is rejected when Frasier tries to settle up his tab, and this ultimately escalates into a big fight between Sam and Frasier. The B-plot is Woody becoming addicted to the shopping channel.

Anyway, I decided to watch it. And was pleasantly surprised. There were some really good laughs in there. The stories, although trifles at best, zipped along. Woody, in particular, was terrific. It was a lot funnier than I had remembered it. And let me just say that’s not always the case. More often than not a show I originally liked I see again and want to give back my WGA card.

But when this episode was over I was left with an odd reaction. You’d think I’d be very pleased but I wasn’t. I was more puzzled than anything else. Why? This one question kept surfacing:

Was this episode actually better and funnier than I had recalled. Or has the bar of television sitcoms just been so lowered now that what still is an average episode of CHEERS seems better than it is?

Now I’m not talking about the truly excellent episodes of today’s best comedies. I’m sure you can put this year’s Emmy nominees up against the best from any era. But this was hardly an Emmy-worthy episode of CHEERS. So pitting this against the general quality of sitcom today, does it stand on its own or rise in comparison?

I have no answer.

And you, from your perspective, might say this episode of CHEERS is far worse than what’s usually on today. That’s fair too.

So I’ll throw it open for discussion. One middling episode of CHEERS aside, do you think the bar has been lowered in today’s situation comedy? I’ll be checking back from time to time to see what you say. At the moment though, I’ve got to chase a few kids off my lawn. Thanks.

On another note:

I just made 20 short videos in which I answer the questions I'm most commonly asked about writing sitcoms. You can check 'em out here. I'll be hurt if I don't go viral.

Another typical Hollywood story

2011-07-10T05:43:00.000-07:00

I was doing ALMOST PERFECT, the CBS mid 90’s sitcom that starred Nancy Travis. In the show, Nancy’s character had a cat, “Charlie”. We used him in about five episodes. Then I get a call from the cat’s owner/trainer/agent. He tells me that Charlie has been offered the lead in the remake of THAT DARN CAT but I was not to fret. Charlie really liked working on the show and with us. So he’ll stay with our show if we would up his fee and guarantee him all episodes produced. Naturally I was touched by Charlie’s loyalty.

I said as much as we too loved working with Charlie and greatly admired his many talents, I would hate to stand in the way of his feature career so I passed on his offer.

Unbelievably, we somehow managed to find another gray cat that could sit in a chair.

But here’s the thing…

A year later ALMOST PERFECT gets cancelled. I’m driving home, feeling really bummed out and I gaze up at a billboard touting a certain movie. My entire cast is out of work and there’s Charlie, the fucking cat, starring in a major motion picture, staring down on me, his Cheshire-like face plastered on a HUGE billboard on the Sunset Strip.

I lost track of Charlie after that. To my knowledge he didn’t catch on in films. That business can be so cruel. He probably returned to television and if there’s any justice he’s doing ARSENIC & OLD LACE in dinner theatre somewhere in Iowa tonight.

The moral: Use a litter box because you never know who you’re going to meet on the way down.

The real American Idol is from Britain

2011-07-09T05:49:00.000-07:00

Talkin’ ‘bout Adele. Currently the number one singer in the country, with the biggest album of the year so far.

And she didn’t have to wear a green merkin or fly in on wires or appear in Maxim’s Hot 100 or subject herself to ten weeks of being critiqued on national television by idiots like Randy Jackson.

She’s not hot, she’s not flashy, she’s not theatrical, she’s not even from here.

Yet, her music is outselling Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Britney Spears, and even if Betty White had a CD I bet Adele would trump her. It’s great to see that for all the hype and glitz and pyrotechnics of today’s superstar acts, one woman with an extraordinary voice singing songs of depth and meaning has become such a sensation.

Here’s an example. She just sits in a chair. Adele will be on tour in the U.S. later this summer. Pull up a chair yourself.

My favorite Kirstie Alley scene

2011-07-08T05:47:00.000-07:00

Taking time out today from preparing for tonight’s Mariners-Angel game (to be broadcast on 710 ESPN Seattle, and MLB.COM) and celebrating my wedding anniversary (love you, Deb) to answer your Friday questions… and provide a visual aid.

Steve has a CHEERS question. I may have answered it already but it’s one I get a lot so for the sake of clarity, here it is again.

My Friday question, inspired by your discussing having written one of the early shows featuring the character of Rebecca Howe on Cheers: Can you explain what happened to her character over the course of the final seasons. She lost about 50 IQ points and became quite pathetic, whereas she started as a smart, tough, businesswoman (albeit with some quirks and vulnerabilities to leave room for comedy). Was this devolution just a function of trying to go for more comedy, or because the actress was better at more kooky material, or what?

Her change in personality seemed to be more drastic than most, so I've always wondered what the planning behind it was like.

The change came because Rebecca as the martinet just wasn’t funny. Kirstie Alley was game and it wasn’t her fault but the character as originally conceived just didn’t pop.

In one episode though, she had to fall apart for some reason and was hysterical. We realized that the more neurotic, insecure, and sexually frustrated she was – the funnier she was. So the character evolved in that direction.

Side note: One of the hardest tricks to pull off is being able to cry while still being funny. You have to feel for the character and still feel it’s okay to laugh. No one I’ve ever worked with is better at that than Kirstie. Here’s a excerpt from a CHEERS David Isaacs and I wrote called FINALLY. Kirstie is just brilliant in the last scene, making comics turns left and right.

Michael asks:

Is it common for comedy writers to switch between writing for sitcoms and late night talk shows? Did you ever have any interest in writing for a late night talk show?

It does happen frequently. Usually writers go from talk shows and just writing jokes and sketches to sitcoms, but there have been instances where it went the other way. Lots of terrific sitcom writers have used late night talk shows as a great training ground. And of course, it’s easier to make the transition when sitcom producers see you have credits like THE DAILY SHOW, LETTERMAN, JIMMY KIMMEL, etc.

Early in my career I wanted to write for SNL. But back then the show was more cutting edge and I was more receptive to drugs. I think it would be fun to write for THE DAILY SHOW, COLBERT REPORT, JIMMY KIMMEL, or maybe CONAN just to see how those shows work. I have zero desire to write for THE TONIGHT SHOW.

From DavidMB:

In last week's Leverage Eric Stoltz, a rather big-time actor, had a significant role that wasn't credited. When and why does this happen?

Usually when that happens the actor is just doing someone a favor. The sometime Catch-22 is that you want to capitalize on the stunt casting by heavily promoting the actor’s appearance and yet he wants to just slip in uncredited.

And finally, this from Caleb the Curious Cat:

Just a follow-up on residuals. We know you don't get diddily-squat on DVDs, but how does it work with syndication of a show you've written? For instance MASH and Cheers seem to be running continually now for what seems like forever and Volunteers pops up every now and again (and when it does, it runs a dozen or more times for about two weeks before disappearing again). Are residuals on a sliding scale payment-wise the further away from first run or are they constantly the same no matter the time span?

Yes, residuals are on a sliding scale. The WGA has a department that is supposed to monitor this. I get checks occasionally but honestly, I have no idea if I’m being short-changed. I imagine I am. Studios tend to do that. Frequently. All the time. Habitually.

Please leave your question in the comments section. Thanks. And Go Mariners!

A Day in the Life Of...

2011-07-07T05:55:00.000-07:00

Hello from Anaheim where I'll be calling this weekend's grudge match between the host Angels and the Mariners for 710 ESPN Seattle, the Mariners' Radio Network, and MLB.COM. Recently I contributed an article for the Mariners' monthly magazine. It was about "what I learned writing a Broadway musical". It was rejected. Then I wrote this. Maybe they'll use it. Even if you're not a baseball fan, hopefully you'll still find it worth quickly scrolling. (Note: It's been revised to make more sense to blog readers)

DAY IN THE LIFE OF A MARINERS’ BROADCASTER

Dave Sims, Kevin Cremin, me, Rick Rizzs

As one of the former Mariner announcers helping out this year on 710 ESPN radio I thought I’d share with you what a typical day is like for an M’s play-by-play broadcaster. Or at least for me.

Let’s say it’s a 7:10 game at Safeco Field. Around 3:00 we all arrive – me, Rick Rizzs, TV dudes Dave Sims & Mike Blowers, and our producer-engineer, Kevin Cremin. Rick and I set up for the day. I spread out a scoresheet, media guides, player profiles for each team, binoculars, pencils, highlighters, stat packets, and an iPad (to see if our radio field reporter, Shannon Drayer has Tweeted about me).

Shannon Drayer

I start jotting down notes on my scoresheet. Ricky already has tons of notes scrawled on his. He probably worked two hours at home on those. At about 3:30 Rick goes down to the clubhouse to interview manager Eric Wedge for the pre-game show. Once out of the booth I copy all of his notes.

Then I trot down to the clubhouse. Here I can engage in meaningful discussions with players as they put on their socks.

When the team heads out onto the field for stretching exercises and batting practice around 4:15 the media meets with the skipper in the dugout. For fifteen minutes we pepper him with questions. Most want to know about injuries, upcoming pitching rotations, strategies, etc. I tend to ask him things like: why were Baroque artists so ornate, florid, and playful?

From there I usually head into the opponents’ clubhouse. Invariably I’ll know a few people on that team – players and coaches I covered at one time. Once we get past their shock that I’m still in the business, we usually have a nice reunion. And I compile more and more little tidbits for the broadcast.

Back out onto the field to just stand around and look important.

When the visiting team takes their batting practice (around 5:15) their manager usually meets with reporters so I stick around for that. You’d be surprised how few American League managers know about the Baroque Period.

A little before 6:00 I sashay up to the press dining room for dinner. Usually I eat with my broadcast crew and we have searing conversations like “which press dining room makes the best soup?” Imagine CHEERS with seven Cliffs.

At 7:00 the broadcast begins and that’s the REAL fun part. I can’t tell you how much I love calling Mariners baseball. Rick and Kevin are such terrific partners, I have the best view in the park, and thanks to Rick’s notes I sound relatively smart. The only thing missing, and it’s a big thing – is Dave Niehaus (who passed away last November). He will forever be THE voice of the Seattle Mariners. I’m just the grateful understudy.

After the game we select our M.V.P.’s for the night. I try to limit my candidates to players who actually got in the game.

And that’s it. I go home and buy things I see on informercials.

Thanks again to the Mariners and you for listening. I’ll be talking to you soon (tonight). I’m already preparing… and by that I mean, Rick is already preparing.

50 ways to get a script assignments

2011-07-06T05:56:00.000-07:00

Opportunities don’t come along very often. You've gotta take advantage.

When David and I were starting out, our first sale was to THE JEFFERSONS. The story editors had liked our spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and invited us to pitch stories. If the producers responded to one of them we would get an assignment.

The ground rules: Each story had to be no longer than one paragraph. Basically loglines, the type you used to see in TV Guide when there was a TV Guide. And you could only pitch three stories.

Back then you could actually make a living as a freelance writer. Shows had smaller staffs and left a lot assignments open for freelancers. That and the sexual revolution were the two best features of the ‘70s. So THE JEFFERSONS invited quite a few people in to pitch. Giving each writer three shots seemed fair.

We pitched our three stories. The story editors liked one and passed it up the line to the producers. A week later we get a call. The producers didn’t buy our story. Shit!

But we were invited back to pitch three more. Which we did. And they liked one of them. Again, it was passed up the line. And this time the producers responded favorably. We got our first assignment!

Flash forward a few months. Among the other clients at the agency that represented us was Gene Reynolds, the showrunner of MASH. Our agents submitted our draft of THE JEFFERSONS and Gene liked it well enough to invite us in for a general meeting. George Jefferson is so similar to Hawkeye that if you can write one show it just stands to reason you can write the other.

We did feel we could write MASH, primarily because we had both spent some time in the army and had a good handle on that world and its idiocy. The meeting was lovely. Gene loaded us down with research material and said he’d be happy to entertain some story pitches from us. As we left, I asked how many? He shrugged and said, “I dunno. As many as you got.”

A week later we were back in his office. And we had prepared fifty story notions. That’s right. 5-0. Given this once-in-a-lifetime chance to write a MASH there was no way we were going to walk out of that room without an assignment.

Gene liked two of the first ten and put them together. After that he stopped us. His head was exploding. We got the assignment. (It was the episode where the gas heater exploded and Hawkeye was temporarily blind. (Sorry. I should’ve said SPOILER ALERT.)

Now you may think that with fifty story ideas, selling at least one would be a cinch. We thought so, too. But no.

Another show we got to pitch was MAUDE. There they let us come in with ten stories. Same deal as with THE JEFFERSONS (same company). The story editor liked one of our ideas but the producers above him nixed it. This happened five separate times. So we were 0-50 with MAUDE.

Meanwhile, on MASH, we wrote three episodes for them that season, and the following year we were brought aboard as story editors. We moved up the chain eventually to head writers. And I would say over the next couple of years we probably did 39 of the 50 ideas we originally pitched. Hey, we liked them when we came up with them; we liked them two years later.

The point is, whatever the opportunity – pitching shows, pilots, interviewing for PA positions or mailroom gigs, or whatever – do the maximum. And then do a lot more. Show more initiative than anyone else in the room. And never lose that mindset. I’ve since become friends with that story editor from MAUDE and damn it, we’re still going to get as assignment on that freaking show!

"Hello, I have a collect call from Wesley Snipes..."

2011-07-05T05:52:00.000-07:00

Here are some holiday leftovers...

Hope you had a great 4th of July. I did. Went down to Redondo Beach at Great Big Radio Guy’s place to watch the fireworks. And unlike a couple of years ago, there was no thick fog. That was bizarre. They shot off the fireworks anyway. Here's an example. This was either a one big starburst or series of clusters, but it/they were awesome!

Not surprised that LARRY CROWNE flopped. Writer friend R. R. has a theory: No American film which has any adults riding on motor scooters with helmets on can be any good at all. He’s right.

One of the sponsors of Dodger baseball (at least on Time-Warner Cable) Friday night was AshleyMadison.com. This is a dating website for married people who want to engage in affairs. You have the great Vin Scully calling the game and commercials advocating infidelity. This to me is more unbelievable than the Dodgers filing for bankruptcy.

And if AshleyMadison.com is looking for a new spokesman, can I suggest Chris Hansen, the host of the NBC’s “To Catch a Predator”?

PAGE ONE, the documentary on the New York Times is a terrific movie. It might not be playing in your area because they need all the screens for TRANSFORMERS 3 but keep an eye out for it.

Speaking of TRANSFORMERS, as you probably know, I’m not a huge fan of Michael Bay. Trey Parker & Matt Stone wrote this beautiful love song for TEAM AMERICA that pretty much expresses my sentiments as well. Thanks to my daughter, Annie for alerting me to it.

One of the funniest spec screenplays I ever read was called HORRIBLE BOSSES by Michael Markowitz. I sure hope the movie is good.

Recently, during one of Sarah Palin's stirring speeches she said Paul Revere's famous ride was to warn the British. Oh really? Then wouldn't his famous saying be, "You are coming! You are coming!"?

Oh the injustice! Derek Jeter is having a horrible year. And he’s been injured a good part of the season (the part where the Yankees are winning). Yet, the baseball fans around the country named him one of the American League starters for the All-Star Game next week. Here’s the injustice – why didn’t Ichiro also get elected? He’s having just as off a year as Jeter. And for that matter, why the snub of Lenny Dykstra? Just cause he’s retired and now in prison? If we’re going to entrust the sacred responsibility of selecting All-Star starters to the fans (after all, the game now means something – what, I don’t know but still), then there’s an obligation to be fair. I’m very disappointed. And I know Lenny is. He called me on PrisonerConnect.com.

Now you’re going to think this is a spoof but it’s NOT. This is a commercial that has run on CNN. There actually is a service called PrisonerConnect.com. Have a look.

Like they say in the commercial: "How can you go wrong?" Women, your lonely nights are over!

How did the Time-Warner Cable Dodger salesmen miss this?

There’s supposed to be a big Facebook announcement tomorrow. Speculation is either a new video chat feature or dead people will now be able to poke you.

Great HuffingtonPost headline: Could Wind Farms Blow Earth Off Orbit?

Yes, it’s a tragedy but the irony is just too great. Another recent HuffingtonPost headline: Motorcyclist Dies On Ride Protesting Helmet Law

And finally from HuffPost: Woman Caught Sneaking Man Out Of Prison in Suitcase After Conjugal Visit.

I hate interleague play. Glad it's over.

And finally...

I’m thinking of putting out a home version of 101 WAYS TO LEAVE A GAME SHOW. It comes complete with game board, questions, and explosives.

Fireworks

2011-07-04T05:34:00.000-07:00

I hope you enjoy fireworks tonight without blowing your hand off. I never quite got the attraction of holding lit sticks with small explosives made in unknown countries by craftsmen who earn nineteen cents a month.

Being a baseball announcer I see firework shows at least five times a year. They’re usually on when I’m doing the postgame show, trying to read out-of-town scores while the raid on Osama is going on in the background.

When I broadcast for the Mariners in the '90s we used to have indoor fireworks at the Kingdome. That never seemed like a good idea, and in fact ceiling tiles began plummeting to the ground.

And then of course there was the post game fireworks show at MacArthur Stadium when I was broadcasting for the Syracuse Chiefs. A spark started a brush fire beyond the left field wall.

But the best fireworks show I ever heard of was on July 5th, 1985. It was supposed to be a July 4th show. The Atlanta Braves were hosting the New York Mets that night. The game went 19 innings and ended at 3:55 in the morning. At 4:01 the show began. I’m sure the twelve people in the stands LOVED it.

This weekend I'll be broadcasting for the Mariners on 710 ESPN Seattle. We'll be in Anaheim for a four game series with the Angels. And Friday night is fireworks night.

Happy July 4th weekend. Drive safe out there.

If GPS Systems could really talk

2011-07-03T16:32:00.000-07:00

A lot of folks are on the road this holiday weekend, giving their GPS systems a real workout. My GPS guide is so nice. She’s incredibly patient with me. Whenever I disobey her instructions she just assumes I have a good reason and re-calibrates. What a gal! And she’s always cheerful. Never any PMS from my GPS. But sometimes I wonder, what is she really thinking? What would she be saying if she had a few tequila shooters first? And now I can’t help it. Whenever she gently speaks this is what I’m hearing in my head:

“Left turn ahead. What the fuck?! You missed the street. LEFT! How hard a fucking concept is that to you? LEFT!"

“Left turn ahead. SHIT! You missed it again! Are you a fucking moron? Jesus! Those fucking test monkeys can do it. At the next street, TURN LEFT ASSHOLE!”

“Left turn ahead. What? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me! Okay. Pull over. Stop the Goddamn car. Right now. Stop it! Hold out your left arm. Don’t give me shit, just do it! Well, halle-friggin-luiah ! Brain-dead boy knows his left from his right. So why can’t you do that when I tell you? Okay, new rules: The next time I tell you to turn left and you don’t I’m taking you right off the Santa Monica Pier. “

“At the next intersection make a legal U-turn. Oh hell, there’s no cops here. Whip it around now!”

“At the next – Jesus, how would you describe it? Wide right? Almost straight but curves a little? Whatever. You’ll fuck it up anyway.”

“Do you ever plan on washing this car?”

“Why did you pick the freeway route? This is going to take forever. What, are you afraid someone is going to car jack you if you take a city street? You are such a pussy!”

“Hey, turn down the fucking radio! I’m talking to you. And what the hell are you listening to Michael Buble for anyway?”

“I know it’s not the direct route but I like to look at the pretty stores. Suck it up.”

“Don’t answer that call. You can’t do one thing at a time much less two.”

“In one half mile, stick your finger in the lighter socket. Just kidding.”

“No. I refuse to take anybody to Applebees.”

“The Washington Monument? You need directions to the Washington Monument? You can’t fucking see it? Are you retarded?”

“You have arrived at your destination. Leave the car unlocked and the key in the ignition. Maybe someone with a sense of direction will steal the car.”

I think from now on I’ll just print up Mapquest directions.

For anyone who hates assholes that text in theaters...

2011-07-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

You're going to LOVE this! This is going to make your holiday weekend.

THE OFFICE recut as a traditional sitcom

2011-07-02T05:50:00.000-07:00

Okay,this is brilliant! THE OFFICE recut as a typical cheesy 80s or 90s sitcom. It was made by benny2700, whoever that is. So put your Walkman down, stop playing Pong for a few moments and enjoy this video.

How much do writers really make on DVD sales?

2011-07-01T05:49:00.000-07:00

Happy July! Let’s kick off the month with some Friday Questions.

Drew gets us started:

You mentioned the props for Cheers a few weeks back. I was thinking that being in charge of props and wardrobe has to be a nightmare. If there is a scene with a birthday cake, are their multiple copies in case an actor drops it? Are their multiples of the actor's shirt in case the cake is dropped on said shirt?

The answer to your question is yes. There are multiples of wardrobe and props. And that exact example happened on the first show I ever directed. In fact, it happened on the first scene. It was an episode of WINGS involving a birthday cake and Crystal Bernard drops it accidentally on camera. The good news is (a) we had another cake, and (b) that blooper appeared on Dick Clark’s blooper show for years. I made more on that clip then I ever did from all the DVD sales of CHEERS and MASH. Which neatly leads us to the next question:

Paul Nikkel asks:

I recently purchased the entire 11 season DVD collection for Cheers and am enjoying reliving old memories. I always look for episodes that you and David have written. My question is how do royalties work for the writers on DVD's? With my purchase can you now afford that new BMW you have been looking at or do I need to get 10 of my closest friends to purchase the series so you can buy a Starbucks Latte?

I’d need a hundred of your best friends to buy the full collection before my royalties could buy me a cup of coffee at 7-11’s. It’s a joke. Hopefully, in the last contract, by gaining a toehold in streaming video, writers will eventually make even a small portion of what we deserve. Or I’m just dreaming.

Meanwhile, DVD sales have plummeted. The major studios are crying. Boo fucking hoo.

From DyHardMET:

Say that you're an established writer on an established series (into at least season 2 or 3)...is it more difficult to have to write for a new, unestablished regular character than it is to write for the established characters?

It’s much more difficult. The more you write for a character and hear the actor perform him the more you learn his strengths and weaknesses. With a new character it’s a crapshoot.

If a character is being introduced that will appear in several episodes or become a regular (like Rebecca on CHEERS), it’s best to have either the showrunners or a trusted staff member write the first episode or two and let the other writers use that as a template.

Glen & Les Charles wrote the episode of CHEERS that introduced Rebecca Howe. David and I wrote episode three or four (“I On Sports”) but we had Glen & Les’ draft to give us a roadmap.

It also helps if you’re writing to a specific actor. In the case of Charles Winchester on MASH, David Ogden Stiers had been hired before a script was written. In that case, David and I wrote the first episode featuring Charles. It was not the episode that introduced him. Jim Fritzell & Everett Greenbaum were assigned that one but they had our script for reference.

And Finally, RyderDA asks:

I've noticed that in a comedy or drama series, occasionally, guest actors (in large or small parts) drop in, and "click", fitting in instantly, making the series new and fresh. Then they come back, and stick around. The most obvious example of this currently is the ever-growing cast of GLEE. I'm wondering how a you as a producer/director/writer handle this without letting it get out of hand and allowing the cast to balloon (like happened on E.R., the West Wing, Ally McBeal, etc), and how the principles of the series respond to it.

If an outside character breaks out it’s a true gift from God. Christopher Lloyd as Reverend Jim on TAXI and Michael Emerson as Ben on LOST are just a couple that come quickly to mind.

But there are definite considerations – the budget being the first. Can you afford to add another actor? It’s easier to justify on established hit shows.

Then, as you brought up, you have to deal with your current cast. Chances are they don’t feel they get enough screen time as it is and now they’ll have even less. Things can get a little frosty on the set for awhile depending on the cast. I suppose it’s a little easier on hour dramas where you can just kill cast members off. This keeps the budget down and certainly curtails any grousing. I guess on GLEE they could kill off some of the kids. They could also just graduate them but that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun.

What’s your question? Happy holiday weekend. Please drive safely. And don’t make your own fireworks.

The dumbest game show... yet

2011-06-30T05:49:00.000-07:00

Finally! A version of JEOPARDY for morons!! For years, cretins have surfed past JEOPARDY on their way to FEAR FACTOR repeats always wondering what the big deal was. It’s just some eggheads answering questions and it has to be fixed. No one in the world would actually know the answers to those questions. Like people remember the name of rivers and U.S. Presidents. Yeah, right. And that’s all the show is – answering questions. Where’s the excitement in that?!

I can imagine the focus group. Twenty Cro-Magnons in a room, playing with string, being asked what they’d like to see in a game show. A hot girl sitting under explosives being propelled straight up in the air while she screamed for dear life. Yeah!!! People plunging ten stories down into water. Another hot babe strapped to the wing of a WWI fighter plane zooming across the sky. Now this has potential!

But what about the questions? They must be intellectually challenging. “How much did William Shatner sell his kidney stone for?” Okay, that one might be a little too highbrow but it’s in the ballpark.

The prize: $50,000 for the winner, which if these people do the math is enough to buy a Lear jet.

Assuming that this focus group had evolved to where they had thumbs, by now all forty would be up. Feet would be clapping. Drool would be pouring.

Hence, 101 WAYS TO LEAVE A GAME SHOW – a game show that mixes idiocy with low expectation greed and explosions. Throw in an incredibly annoying host who thinks he’s Adam Corolla and you have the recipe for summer fun, ABC style. Take that, Fox!

However, for anyone watching this schlockfest who has an IQ of 50 and a forehead, this is the dumbest new show on television.

JEOPARDY contestants have college degrees; one 101 WAYS contestant has a big tattoo on his arm of Lady Gaga, another wants to use the prize money to build a waterfall for his iguana, and a third plans to use her winnings to buy a backstage pass to a Justin Bieber concert. Shooting these nitwits out of cannons isn’t cruel. It’s what they deserve.

The truth is there’s no suspense. Obviously, none of these dolts are in any real danger. They’re doing nothing more than essentially going on Six Flags Magic Mountain thrill rides. Yes, they scream and maybe think they’re in danger, but they would think that on every attraction they ever ride. They’ve cheated death by surviving Dumbo.

And just to make sure that the questions aren’t too taxing, over the course of a one-hour show there are a grand total of ten of them. The toughest: Did McDonalds ever offer McLobster?

“I’ll take village idiots for 40, Alex.”

If you like complete train wrecks then 101 WAYS TO LEAVE A GAME SHOW is for you. Train wreck, by the way, is probably way 22. I can only hope that the show will be off the air long before they get that far.

Levine & Isaacs -- you're fired!

2011-06-29T05:51:00.000-07:00

It’s not uncommon for writers to get fired off of film projects. You turn in a draft, the phone stops ringing, and then you learn that someone else has been hired to rewrite you. Larry Gelbart, at a WGA membership meeting debating one of our many contracts, spoke to the crowd of about a thousand and said, “At one time everyone in this room will rewrite everyone else in this room”. He's right.

But how many writers have been fired even before they wrote a single word? Not many. The only two I can think of are me and my partner, David Isaacs. What a dubious distinction!

It’s 1980. Director Randal Kleiser is hot based on an unlikely hit movie he megged (I love that bullshit Hollywood term) called BLUE LAGOON. A young nubile Brooke Shields (before becoming the toast of Broadway) and pretty boy, Christopher Atkins are trapped on a tropical island together. They frolic for two hours and this audiences wanted to see.

So Kleiser gets a big development deal at Columbia. He has an idea for a coming-of-age movie set in an amusement park. David and I are hired to write it. We do. He loves it. The studio loves it. Everybody loves it. No one makes it but everyone loves it.

While we are writing the screenplay, Kleiser is busy writing and preparing the next movie he was going to direct, SUMMER LOVERS. This classic starring nubile Darryl Hannah and pretty boy, Peter Gallagher, is about a gorgeous young couple who fall in love one idyllic summer in picturesque Greece. BLUE LAGOON with Lachanodolmades.

We turn in our screenplay to much praise and get a call from Randal. He’s going off to Greece in a week to begin principle photography of SUMMER LOVERS. But he’s getting a little nervous about the script. Would we be interested in doing a fast rewrite? Nothing major. No story or structure changes. Just round out the characters and maybe add a little humor and dimension. A messenger drops off copies of the script. We read it overnight, meet in the morning to discuss what we’d like to do, and then drive over to Burbank to confab (another favorite bullshit Hollywood word) with him in his office on the WB/Columbia lot.

The meeting goes swimingly. He loves our suggestions. He laughs at the jokes we propose. He couldn’t be more effusive and enthusiastic. What we pitch is just what the script needs he says. So he sends us off to write it, complete with his blessing and thanks.

We drive back over the hill to my condo on the Westside. Takes about a half hour. We walk in my place and immediately the phone rings. It’s our agent. No pleasantries. She starts out with, “Just what happened in that meeting?” I was sort of thrown by the question. “It went great. Why?” I asked. “Well, it couldn’t have gone that great,” she said, “Columbia just called. They fired you.”

"What?!"

"You're no longer on the project."

"Even if we were never on the project."

"Yep. Your services are no longer needed."

"What services? We never started service."

"You're fired!"

So that was that. We never found out why. My guess is Randal didn’t like our suggestions but was just too much of a wimp (an expression I shall use in place of the one I really want to use but am taking the high road – although you know the word I mean) to tell us face-to-face. Randal went off to the make the movie. I never saw it. It bombed. I don’t think our rewrite would have made a damn bit of difference.

By the time he had returned, our amusement park project was dead. We learned later that Columbia had no intention of ever making it. They wanted another BLUE LAGOON, not a teen comedy out of Randal Kleiser. They were just indulging him. We didn’t know it at the time but we were always just spinning our wheels (back in the days when studios still paid for the spinning).

There’s no real moral to this story. The only advice I could give writers so that this never happens to you is, I guess, don’t ever come home taking Laurel Canyon.

Where to go this summer vacation

2011-06-28T05:54:00.000-07:00

The 4th of July weekend heralds the real beginning of the summer vacation season. Still don’t know where to go yet? Allow me to help while shamelessly pushing my book, WHERE THE HELL AM I? TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED (only $2.99 in all ebook formats and $6.99 paperback. Order yours here!!!)

WTHAI?TISH (as most people refer to it) is a ten year collection of my humorous travelogues. Here are a few excerpts to help you decide where to go this summer.

DALLAS – (most people’s first choice for August travel) On every corner there’s either a steakhouse or a church. One place called “Holy Cow” could be either or both.

LAS VEGAS -- We hit the beach. Yes, Mandalay Bay has its own beach. Unfortunately, the ocean was turned off. No waves. But Debby (my wife) and I took a long walk along the grid that serves as the shore and gazed out at the horizon to see the Lance Burton Magician billboard on Las Vegas Avenue.

MAUI – Did not see the sunrise at Haleakala. But did get a report from someone who did. A bus picks you up 2:30 in the morning. You drive an hour and a half to the top of this massive shield volcano. By top I mean 10,023 feet. You get out in your shorts, flip flops, and aloha shirt -- it’s pitch black, and 22 degrees (literally). When the sun comes up (two hours later) it will rise to 37. Finally the dawn. It’s breathtaking, awesome, and your teeth are chattering like castanets. You don’t want to even think about the possibility that there’s a YouTube video of this. You get on the bus and either go home or into shock.

For more fun you can bike down the outside of the volcano… like a rocket on a two-lane winding road that hugs a cliff that’s steeper than those in Road Runner cartoons. Bikers must also negotiate tour buses, vans, and tourists in unfamiliar rental cars. In 2007 there were three biker fatalities. Bike tours (when they’re not suspended) are $100 - $150 dollars. Bring a parachute.

But we did visit quaint Lahaina. Strolled past the charming Crazy-T-Shirt and souvenir soap stores. This bawdy whaling port has not changed in a hundred years.

For all the hoopla of Lahaina, we found quite a few other smaller, lesser-known little towns that were far more charming and KFC-free. Paia, for one. It’s advertised as a throwback “hippie” village. And I must say it took me right back to the ‘60s when hippies supported their drug habits by selling gelato.

Makawao is another quaint attraction. Up country, it’s a little cowboy town, specializing in glass blowing – just like Wyatt Earp and Billy the Kid used to do. I kept looking for the jail and saloon but alas they’ve given way to art galleries and a market that makes fresh donuts. But get there early. They go fast. There’s usually a shoot-out in the town square for the last cruller.

PHOENIX -- This is a sprawling city of giant shopping malls broken up by sports complexes. Oh, and numerous aircraft bone yards. From rusted out WWII planes to 747s that haven’t flown since Braniff went under, they’re all here. Was hoping to swing by and pick up an L1011 fuselage but time got away.

To get anywhere in Phoenix – to work, a restaurant, the rental car outpost from the airport – you just get on the freeway and go 13.2 miles. Everything is 13.2 miles away. Except Circle K’s. There are two on every corner. How much beef jerky can this town chew?

DENVER -- Denver is the most sexually active city in America. Contraceptive sales are 189% higher within the city limits than the national average (sales of female contraceptives are a whopping 278% higher). Coincidentally, Denver also has the world’s largest brewery (Coors).

Things not to miss: The Butterfly Pavilion insect zoo, the “Mind Eraser” rollercoaster at Elitch Gardens, the giant cement slide at Bear Valley Park that looks like a vagina, the Buckhorn Exchange restaurant with 500 stuffed animals (it’s how I imagine Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s bedroom), the stone marker that claims to be the birthplace of the cheeseburger, and any CVS pharmacy for contraceptives.

ST. LOUIS -- St. Loo is famous of course for the Anheuser-Busch brewery. Although, locals insist it’s not the same now that the Busch family has sold it to Germans. They claim the beer tastes different. I couldn’t tell, but I did notice the Clydesdales goose-stepping in a recent parade.

PHILADELPHIA -- Meant to get out to the Mutter Museum, founded originally to educate doctors of the 19th Century and current HMO’s. Big attractions include conjoined twins and a catalog of foreign objects removed from bodies. Bring the kids!

This is the birthplace of two major revolutions – the American and shopping. It is in nearby Westchester that QVC is located, which is why I thought I saw Marie Osmond at baggage claim waiting at the carousel for 42,000 dolls to come down the chute.

WASHINGTON D.C. -- So much to see: the monuments, Gennifer Flowers’ apartment, Capitol Hill, Paula Jones’ apartment, the White House, Monica Lewinsky’s apartment, the Smithsonian, the DC Madam’s place, the Mint, Elizabeth Ray’s apartment, Arlington Cemetery, Donna Rice’s apartment, and the Watergate hotel.

SAN FRANCISCO -- Fisherman's Wharf is filled with colorful street performers: mimes and jugglers, etc. Most unique was the “Shrub Guy.” He hides behind a shrub in camouflage and when unsuspecting tourists stroll by he leaps out scaring the shit out of them. Meanwhile, other people observe nearby, laugh, and give him money. On a grander scale this is how Liza Minnelli now makes her living.

BOSTON -- Swung by the Quincy Market. There we ran across the new second Cheers bar. This one, they claim, is set up exactly like the one on TV. Maybe if you've never seen the show. The bar is square and two or three of the pictures on the back wall are the same. Otherwise, the bar on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine looks more like the real Cheers.

MILWAUKEE – (on the road with the Dodgers) stayed at the historic Pfister. The Pfister is pfirst class. It’s an old regal downtown hotel that just happens to be haunted. Some ballplayers are so freaked they stay elsewhere, or sleep holding a bat for protection. Carlos Gomez of the Twins was getting out of the shower and his iPod suddenly went haywire, so instead of calling AppleCare (or Ghostbusters?), he raced out to the lobby without his pants. I shared a room with the Ghost of Christmas Future. He told me that “UFC Undisputed” will sell out quick this season so shop early.

One thing I’ve discovered about Milwaukee – it’s in a time warp. The buildings, the cars, the people – it’s 1956. Friday night’s postgame concert featured newcomers Buddy Holly and the Crickets. In an attempt to blend in I wore an “Adlai Stevenson for President” button.

FLORIDA – (business trip with my writing partner, David) If a studio was paying for this trip we would have stayed in Naples. But since it was our own dime, Bonita Beach was our Gateway to the Gulf home. In the ‘20s there was this cult, the Koreshans, who believed that Bonita Beach was the center of the world. It was a celibate tribe so unfortunately it no longer exists. (Darwin works!) There’s just a state park in their honor. And if I’m not mistaken, the Hampton Inn we were staying at is at the center of Bonita Beach, and room 229, just to our left, is the absolute DEAD center of the world.

No wonder the Holiday Inn across the street is proud. Their marquee proclaims “Number one guest rated shower heads.”

Favorite store name (maybe ever): “Master Bait & Tackle Shop” on Bonita Beach Road. Yes, I purchased t-shirts.

See? How can you leave home without this book?

One of my writing pet peeves

2011-06-27T05:50:00.000-07:00

I saw MIDNIGHT IN PARIS recently, which I liked but didn’t love (even if all the critics tell me I'm supposed to love it). There were some nice moments in it, I enjoyed the fantasy aspects but ultimately thought it would have made a better Woody Allen short story. (If you’re not familiar with his collection of short stories, treat yourself. They’re hilarious and wildly imaginative. Get Without Feathers or Getting Even.) But I digress as usual…

One aspect of MIDNIGHT IN PARIS really bothered me -- all the wasted dialogue. Woody Allen isn't the only culprit, I see it in other movies and shows too. And it's just a personal pet peeve. But if you’re a young writer-hopeful (I like that term so much better than wannabe. Wannabe sounds like an Indian Guides troop.), you might want to give this rant some consideration.

You only have a certain amount of time to tell a story. Every word needs to count. In MIDNIGHT IN PARIS (warning: scene spoiler alert but it won't effect your enjoyment of the movie), there's a potentially funny sequence when Owen Wilson (picture Woody Allen but young and Gentile) is trapped in a hotel room with earrings he took from his fiancé (for a reason I won't divulge). On FRASIER we would do this type of scene every other week. And it would be packed with funny lines, whopper lies, great reactions. I'm sure Neil Simon, if given the same comic premise, would do the same.

But not here. Here the scene is filled with,

"My earrings are gone!"

"Really? You sure?"

"Yes!"

"Did you check everywhere?"

"Yes. They're missing."

"Really?" Did you even bring them?"

"Yes I brought them."

"I don't know that you did".

"I did."

“I don’t remember seeing them.”

“I brought them. I saw them this morning.”

“You did?”

“Yes.”

You get the point.

Sorry but to me that's just lazy writing. You may say, "well, that's the way people talk.". And I would say absolutely -- but it's not interesting. It's sure not funny and this is a block comedy scene. As a writer it's your job to do better. Anyone can write the exchange I presented above. Your job is to make it funnier or more compelling or more thought-provoking or…more whatever.

Can people stammer? Sure. Do they talk ungrammatically? Every sentence. They also hedge and hem and haw and talk in circles. And you can use those qualities and still be engrossing. I refer you to any David Mamet play. Naturalistic dialogue doesn't have to be boring. But it takes skill to make it sing. At least attempt to do that.

Some would say that promotes dialogue that is too stylized. And often times they're right. Just as bad as boring conversation is the "no human being would ever say that" charge. But I'd rather err on the side of style, on the side of trying too hard rather than not enough.

I can hear some of you now. What about Aaron Sorkin? He uses a lot of short sentences and characters repeating other characters’ lines. What about him? I know. I’ve even spoofed him myself. But there is a definite flow to Sorkin’s dialogue. There’s a rhythm. Everything is carefully designed. It’s not just idle chit-chat, it’s lyrics.

I'll stop just short of saying you're making art because that always sounds incredibly pretentious so I'll just say you’re making diversions worthy of our time and even our money. Make every word count.

Maybe Woody should have traveled back to Paris in the 1920s – and spent more time with Hemingway.

Vacation Tip: Where to find writers

2011-06-26T05:35:00.000-07:00

I read articles all the time about where tourists visiting Los Angeles can see stars. There are also maps to the stars homes (although Jack Benny and Lucille Ball have moved to more permanent residences. ). But what about all those millions of visitors who come to Tinsel Town just to catch a glimpse at writers? There’s yet to be an article about that….

Until now.

So for those of you scribe groupies hoping to see an actual TV or screenwriter this summer vacation, here are some places to go:

NATE N’ AL’S – This perennial Beverly Hills delicatessen is officially Broadway Danny Rose west. Here is where old comedy writers go to die of heart failure. Usually in tables of five or more, piled high with pastrami sandwiches (“I’m hungry now that I’ve quit smoking!”) the old sitcom guard holds court, trading stories of the good old days when Elizabeth Montgomery was a doll to work with but that Cosby kid was a handful. (“Two comedy albums and suddenly he knows funny!”) Morning meetings between writers and agents, managers, or producers start about 9. The ones that are over by 10 are working writers, the ones that go on til 11 are not.

THE AMC THEATRES, CENTURY CITY – weekday matinees only. Usually in pairs. Listen for the keywords: “Who greenlit this shit?”

THE FARMERS’ MARKET FOOD COURT – weekday mornings, early. They have coffee, read the trades, bitch about their fantasy baseball teams, and get the hell out before all the tour busses arrive.

Every STARBUCKS and COFFEE BEAN on Ventura Blvd between Vineland and White Oak. They’re easy to spot, sitting in front of computers, nursing one $3.00 ice blended for eight hours.

ART’S DELICATESSEN – Studio City. The San Fernando Valley equivalent of Nate N’ Al’s. Close to CBS Radford with oversized artery clogging triple deck sandwiches that include pastrami AND chopped liver. The one-time popular haunt of all the MTM writers so it’s kind of a shrine.

CEDARS SINAI HOSPITAL – West Hollywood. Home for all reunions of GRACE UNDER FIRE, CYBILL, and ROSEANNE writers.

THE SMOKE HOUSE – Burbank. Across the street from Warner Brothers studio. The bar area. Leave it to writers to think a good place to pick up chicks is at an old style red booth restaurant that’s been around since John Barrymore used to pass out there. Historic note: Captain & Tennille were discovered playing the Smoke House lounge – thus adding even more to the hip factor.

THE AROMA CAFÉ – Cute little coffee house with cute outdoor patio. On Tujunga Blvd in the valley mere steps from where Robert Blake had the love of his life whacked.

RESIDUALS – A bar in the valley that used to let writers pay for drinks with residual checks that were under a dollar. They eventually had to stop that practice because they were getting too many. I myself have received a check from THE SIMPSONS for one cent. And I’m sure it cost $5.00 to process and mail the check.

THE BRENTWOOD COUNTRY MART – Westside smaller version of the Farmers’ Market Food Court. Writers and news anchors hang out here. You’ll have no trouble telling which is which.

THE OAKWOOD GARDEN APARTMENTS -- Burbank. See recently divorced writers.

Any coffee shop above Hollywood on Franklin – Lots of guys trying to write the next PULP FICTION. Or MIKE & MOLLY.

Happy hunting. One rule though: no handing out spec scripts! Let me repeat that:

NO HANDING OUT SCRIPTS!

Either working writers will be pissed or non-working writers will give you theirs.

Katey Sagal's first job

2011-06-25T05:44:00.000-07:00

In 1985, my partner, David and I created a comeback show for Mary Tyler Moore called (oddly enough) MARY. We were extremely fortunate to have a great casting director in Molly Lopata.   All summer we spent auditioning actors for the series. Most you've heard of. Some even big names.

One day Molly brought in a newcomer to read for the role of Jo Tucker, Mary's acerbic workmate. We loved her. She was funny, real, and so fresh. A definite call-back.

Eventually we had to go to CBS to get cast approval. They asked to see two candidates for each role. For the part of Jo we brought in Kathy Bates and this newcomer. Both were wonderful. CBS was thrilled with either pick.   We decided to go with the newbie. There was just something very special about Katey Sagal.

Here is a sample of her work on MARY. I don't know who put this together but many thanks.   It not not only shows her comedic side but her singing ability too.

Will there ever be another CHEERS or FRASIER?

2011-06-24T05:33:00.000-07:00

More Friday Questions answered here. Keep ‘em coming and thanks!

An Anonymous reader (please leave a name in the future) gets us started:

I have a two-part question:

1) Are you considering, or would you consider in the future creating and writing a new sitcom? Or are those days over?

If David and I came up with some idea that we felt really passionate about we would definitely consider creating another sitcom. But the conditions would have to be right. And we’d have to have a lot of freedom to really do the show our way.

At the moment we don’t have a dynamite idea.

2) Do you think that we will see in the foreseeable future another sitcom that is as smart and funny as 'Cheers' and 'Frasier' are? Or are sitcoms on the whole just unfashionable these days?

Sure we will see the next CHEERS and FRASIER. These things are cyclical. The next smart, sophisticated comedy may not be your standard multi-camera sitcom (although it could be), but in some form and with a fresh voice there indeed will be comedies that rival CHEERS and FRASIER. Hurry! Cause I want to see one.

Mike from Belfast wonders:

Occasionally you mention Robin Schiff, co-creator of Almost Perfect. Given that you already had a successful partnership with David Isaacs, how did this relationship come about? Was it difficult to work out the new dynamic? Have you worked with Robin since?

We met Robin several years before ALMOST PERFECT. She had a pilot and we came in one night to help punch it up. The three of us really worked well that night. David and I usually dictate scripts to an assistant so having another person in the mix did not really upset our routine.

From there we all became friends. A few years later we had a deal to develop shows for Paramount and Robin also had a deal there. She came to us with the notion of wanting to do a series about a very independent single woman in her ‘30s. We sparked to the idea and the three of us decided to collaborate on the project. It was a very productive and happy partnership.

I have worked with Robin following the completion of ALMOST PERFECT. She and I wrote a spec romantic comedy screenplay together called BETWEEN THE COVERS in the early 00’s that we sold to MGM. It languishes in "development hell".

In any combination, the three of us are always looking for the right project to collaborate again on. We love Robin.

Gary asks:

My Friday question is: Have you ever written a script just for one great line? It sure seems that my wife and I have seen this phenomenon on the boob tube.

Yes. An episode of CHEERS called “Breaking Out Is Hard to Do”. I wrote a whole post on it, which you can access here.

And finally, here’s another Mike -- Mike Schryver. I don’t know where he’s from but I’m guessing the Pacific Northwest. He has a baseball-related question.

I'm glad that neither you nor Rick (Rizzs) is particularly homer-ish as an announcer, Ken. What are you able to tell us about homer announcers, and how much of their act is their own, or is insisted upon by the team?

Some markets welcome announcers that openly root for their teams. The most extreme example of that these days would have to Ken Harrelson, the TV announcer for the Chicago White Sox. If you’re not a die-hard Sox fan you will HATE this guy. The White Sox are “the good guys”, he screams “Yes!!!” when they get a hit. He’s quite colorful but boy you better be a Palehose fan.

Phil Rizzuto of the Yankees was also very partial, as was Harry Caray of the Cubs and Cardinals, and Bob Prince of the Pirates. It’s a style and in some markets it’s what the fans want.

To my knowledge no team insists their announcers be shameless homers but some are supportive of it.

In other markets, more objectivity is desired. Los Angeles for one. In LA we all grew up listening to Vin Scully, who taught us to appreciate “the game” not just your team. I think that’s more the preferred style today.

Still, there’s a way of being objective while still conveying that you’re rooting for your team. My partner, Rick, in particular, does an excellent job of giving a fair and balanced description of what’s going on while still letting you know his heart belongs to the Mariners. And for those of us who broadcast in Seattle, we were weaned on that by the great Dave Niehaus.

I prefer the objective style personally. Just like not everyone who comes to your stadium is rooting for your team, same with the broadcast. If I’m calling a Mariners-Rangers game I want Texas fans to enjoy listening, too. Likewise, Mariners fans who tune in to Eric Nadel’s broadcast (for the Rangers) will find it a great listen.

More random blogservations...

2011-06-23T05:48:00.000-07:00

Warning: I'm in a generally snarky mood.

Kim Kardashian’s ex, Reggie Bush, is now dating a Kim Kardashian impersonator. They say it's what's on the inside that counts, which is why I think this is such a smart move.

Emmy ballots are due tomorrow. And I’m still not finished watching all of the “For Your Consideration” DVD’s I’ve been sent. Yes, these people spent a lot of money on package and postage but they all have a real legitimate shot. So today I plan to watch GENE SIMMONS FAMILY JEWELS, AMERICAN CHOPPER: SENIOR VS. JUNIOR, MIKE & MOLLY, JOAN & MELISSA: MELISSA KNOWS BEST, HAWTHORNE, OUTSOURCED, and LAST CALL WITH CARSON DALY. It’s going to be tough because I can see each one of these winning.

The Barefoot Bandit made a plea deal with federal prosecutors this week. He was arrested last year for allegedly committing dozens of crimes in nine states including the theft of a $450,000 yacht and several airplanes. Talk about optimism – his mom does not think her son will spend much time in prison. Oh really? Felonies in nine states? She also said he plans to enroll in aviation school after his release. He better sign up now. Those pilot classes for 2067 are filling up fast. By the way, there is a movie in pre-production about his life. I wish I was kidding.

Woody Allen says his latest film, MIDNIGHT IN PARIS is a love letter to Paris. That’s wonderful. But how about making a love letter to the audience? That said, with some judicious editing, MIDNIGHT IN PARIS would make a smashing short.

As someone who grew up loving the Dodgers, I look at the sorry state of the franchise now with this McCourt mess and liken it to that girl you always loved in high school. You see her at the twenty year reunion and go, “AAAAGH!!” You wonder, what could have possibly happened and then she says, “Have you met my husband, Charlie Sheen?”

In Ogden, Utah, Jason Valdez recently held a woman hostage at a motel in a tense 16-hour, overnight standoff with SWAT teams. All the while, he found time to keep updating his status on Facebook. Meanwhile, a friend posted that a SWAT officer was hiding in the bushes. "Thank you homie," Valdez replied. "Good looking out." I am unfriending this person.

More wacky crimes: Christian Hernandez, an El Monte, California idiot was arrested in 2009 for molestation and possession of child pornography and has been sentenced to 30 years in the slammer. (I wonder what his mom says.) Here’s the good part: He was arrested in 2009 after admitting to viewing child pornography on an employment questionnaire for the California Highway Patrol.

And then there’s the woman in Minnesota who was arrested for stealing a full mink coat and hiding it in her underwear. Okay, I leave that punchline to you.

Saw the trailer for MONEYBALL. It's weird to see Brad Pitt playing someone I know (Oakland A's GM, Billy Beane). Makes me wonder what actor would play me in a movie. I'm thinking either Jon Hamm or Maya Rudolph.

TV Academy members: Vote for Margo Martindale.

Which judge would you vote off THE VOICE if you could?

Let’s see if Kim Kardashian starts dating one of the many Lamar Odom impersonators.

My next time in the Mariners’ booth is July 7 when the M’s are in Anaheim to take on the Rally Monkeys. Thanks to those of you who asked.

Jane Wiseman has left NBC comedy development and joined Peter Chernin’s company as the SVP of comedy development. I really like Jane. She’s one of the good ones and I wish her well. And I say that without a single idea to pitch her.

Note to advertisers: I will NEVER EVER EVER buy any product you try to sell me by filling my screen with an unwanted ad when I load a page. If you make me click a little X I hate you. No, let me rephrase that: I FUCKING HATE YOU!!! Now seriously, is that what you want?

51 year-old actor Doug Hutchinson (who appeared in LOST) just married a 16-year-old girl. He got an congratulatory email from Hef who also wondered if she had a little sister.

I gotta hand it to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. They do a whole cover piece and big article on Ryan Reynolds then give GREEN LANTERN a C+.

Aaron Sorkin quit Facebook. Oh, like he has better things to do than delete the endless spam that now shows up on everyone's home page, and poke people.

Michael Bay (who Megan Fox likened to Hitler, although I think he’s more of a Hitler impersonator) is demanding major theatre chains show his new TRANSORMERS 3D explosionfest in a way that burns out projector bulbs more quickly. Yeah, that’s the problem with his movie – it’s not bright enough. Next he’s going to demand that theatergoers stop wearing those damn sunglasses!

According to the Amazon page, customers who bought my book (if you haven’t already please do – it’s just $2.99… or the price of a box seat to a Dodger game) also bought Do Tampons Take Your Virginity?, The Sex Lives of Cannibals, Dating My Vibrator, Big White Panties, Diary of a Mad Fat Girl, Swahili For the Broken-Hearted, and The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee.

Before I wrote Bar War practical joke wars for Cheers I targeted radio stations

2011-06-22T05:54:00.000-07:00

Back in the days when one company didn’t own ten stations in the same market there was such a thing as “competition”. Especially in the ‘60s and ‘70s there were usually two rock stations going head-to-head in every town. This could lead to radio wars. Stations would try to sabotage each others contests and promotions. It was all in good fun.

Best of all was if you could somehow get on the air on the competing station and embarrass them live.

You didn’t have to be employees of the competing station to participate. You could be a diabolical listener just out for a few laughs.

I have been known to be one such diabolical listener (little wonder I became co-writer of all the CHEERS practical joke Bar Wars episodes).

The irony is that I have since become good friends with the disc jockey I punked – Charlie Van Dyke.

But in 1973 I had some issues. Not with him. Charlie's a great guy. But I had problems with the station at the time.

Charlie was the morning man on KHJ, Los Angeles. Once a great radio station, the guiding forces had recently been replaced by a martinet program director, Paul Drew, who sapped all the imagination and creativity out of the station.

They were running an on-air contest called Columbo, based on the popular TV character of the time. Charlie announced it was time to play the game and he would take the tenth call. I phoned in and what do you know, I was caller number ten. Using a pseudonym, I played the game. Here’s the result, recorded right off the air.

Muzicons.com

Oooh, was Charlie pissed when he got back on the phone. Can't blame him. But I was right.

Super 8

2011-06-21T05:52:00.000-07:00

I know this seems like movie week but what can I tell ya? I’ve seen a lot of movies recently.

SPOILER ALERT: Don’t see any Spielberg movie before seeing this one.

SUPER 8 is not so much a film as an exercise. This is J.J. Abrams (cough) homage to Steven Spielberg movies before he was obsessed with winning Oscars. As such, Abrams does a smashing job. The action sequences are well-filmed, the production values are all top notch, and he’s managed to include every single Spielberg touch. Young teenage heroes, bicycles, the suburbs, aliens, mysterious military personnel – the girl (Elle Fanning, Dakota’s more talented sister) even looks like the young Drew Barrymore.

But what’s missing is any originality. There are no new ideas, just variations of plots and themes. Of course the characters work through their emotional issues and all grow as a result of monsters wrecking their homes and scaring their pets. They gain a greater understanding of each other and humanity. No spoiler alert necessary here – you KNOW you’re going to see that from the second the Amblin logo appears on the screen. The only question is – how treacly? (In this case, a little more than necessary, although I'm sure in studio screenings the executives all had olives in their throats by the ninth big hug.)

All that said, I know the movie a big commercial hit, a major summer “tentpole” blockbuster so any review is meaningless, even one by a niche blogger. And I’m sure I’m not in this film’s target audience, so again, who cares what I say? But I think J.J. Abrams is an extraordinary talent and has the potential to create spectacular motion pictures. My guess is, once he finds his own voice and makes movies that personally resonate with him, not just franchises (MISSION IMPOSSIBLE, STAR TREK) or examples of films that influenced him growing up, he’s going to look back at SUPER 8 and see it as just a stepping-stone to much better fully-realized work.

I look forward to seeing those movies. I await the day I can be in awe of the imagination, craft, scope, and emotional depth that J.J. will provide. I’ll also curse the bastard for having so much more talent than me. But even that will be enjoyable.

One final note: My daughter Annie points out that probably 95% of the desired demographic for this movie will have no idea what Super 8 means. There once was a thing called Super 8 mm film. Just like there once was an E.T. before ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT.

My review of BRIDESMAIDS

2011-06-20T05:44:00.000-07:00

BRIDESMAIDS is a chick flick for guys. It’s also the funniest comedy I’ve seen this year.

What a refreshing change from the usual studio comic fare we’ve been fed lately – slothy immature dudes and the hot brain dead babes that inexplicably fall in love with them.

Many have claimed that BRIDESMAIDS is just the woman’s version of THE HANGOVER. I’d agree to some extent but not completely. For all its raunchiness (and BRIDESMAIDS has no shortage of it – although I thought Maya Rudolph taking a shit in the street was handled as artfully as that delightful moment could), at the heart of this movie is a story about real women and the real problems they face. THE HANGOVER was just a romp. BRIDESMAIDS has defecation and depth!

The issues that guys are wrestling with in Hollywood rom coms these days are “will I get laid?”, “will I get my man cave?”, and the universal: “why am I waking up in urine?” The women in BRIDESMAIDS are dealing with aging, competition (among themselves and in the marketplace), self-esteem, relationships, status, and FAA regulations.

Written by Kristen Wiig & Annie Mumolo and directed by Paul Feig, the movie dares to underplay the comedy, get laughs out of genuine character reactions, and not be afraid to stop along the way for a sincere moment or two of emotion. Because of that, when there are big crazy block comedy scenes they land and really stand out. Kristen Wiig, wigging out at a party had me rolling in the aisle (even though I was sitting in the middle).

Kristen Wiig is SNL’s next Tina Fey.

And Melissa McCarthy is the next Zach Galifianakis. She completely steals this movie. Who knew she was that hilarious? I certainly didn’t based on watching her on MIKE & MOLLY. What a difference playing a real character with a real attitude and not just firing off a steady barrage of standard sitcom one-liners.

Standout performances: Jon Hamm is a wonderful asshole. (Wouldn’t you love to see that quote on a movie ad? “Jon Hamm is a wonderful asshole” – Ken Levine, N.Y. Times.) Rose Bryne manages to wring sympathy and laughs out of the thankless mean girl/rival role. And I couldn’t help feeling a pang of sadness every time the late Jill Clayburgh appeared on the screen (in a hilarious turn as Wiig’s nutsy mother).

BRIDESMAIDS is worth seeing, guys. Don’t worry. This isn’t SEX AND THE CITY. This isn’t one of those Julia Roberts/Diane Lane/Cameron Diaz goes to Italy and finds herself snoozefests. This is a date movie you will not only tolerate but even like. And some of you may even come away with a better understanding of just what women go through. Okay, well… you’ll find it funny.

Clarence Clemons

2011-06-19T16:24:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has ever been to a Bruce Springsteen concert knows of Clarence Clemons. You can keep all the gee-tar men, give me the Big Man with the wailing sax. His saxophone solos electrified every song he ever played on. And Bruce’s generosity in really showcasing his talented E. Street Band allowed us to get to know them all. And for me – the real shining member was Clemons.

He always played with such soul and joy. And again, if you’ve ever been to a Springsteen concert, that usually meant soul and joy for four hours. How he didn’t blow his liver out through that horn every night I still don’t know.

Clarence passed away yesterday at age 69. Way too young. And how many of those years were spent on buses and planes and station wagons getting from gig to gig to gig? Like I said, waaay too young. He deserved an extra year for each 10,000 interstate miles.

Or at least one more encore. Blow Big Man, blow!

Thank you, Clarence. You will be forever missed.

Happy Father's Day!!

2011-06-19T05:36:00.000-07:00

Especially to my own father, Cliff, who is both my hero and role model.

Note to those wives and kids planning to celebrate: no brunches. That’s Mother’s Day stuff. Let the old man sit in front of the TV and watch NASCAR or the WNBA.

Or watch FIELD OF DREAMS.

And now, as a public service, here are some movies NOT to watch on Father’s Day:

FEAR STRIKES OUT

CHINATOWN

SHINE

WALK THE LINE

OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN

DEAD POETS SOCIETY

STAR WARS

Some TV shows and telefilms NOT to watch:

THE MARVIN GAYE STORY

THE BEACH BOYS STORY

Any CBS family comedy

Some unfriendly father plays:

ALL MY SONS

DEATH OF A SALESMAN (any Arthur Miller, actually)

LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT

Some books to avoid:

Any Bing Crosby biography

Any Frank Sinatra biography

LOVE STORY (for so many reasons)

Records to skip:

PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE by the Temptations

BOY NAMED SUE by Johnny Cash

MY DAD by Paul Peterson

Any other suggestions are welcome.

Again, happy Father’s Day – the most sacred of the bullshit Hallmark holidays.

Try to rap your mind around this

2011-06-18T05:34:00.000-07:00

Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote that amazing closing rap for the Tony Award Show last week... pretty much on the fly. Here is a backstage video showing him composing the piece and then the final live performance. How Neil Patrick Harris was able to deliver it without seven days of rehearsal is still way beyond me.

How to break into TV and other questions?

2011-06-17T05:34:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Friday Question Day. So without any further adieu…

VP81955 asks:

When you had a guest star whose background was essentially in film, with next to no TV experience, was it difficult to guide him or her through the somewhat different technique of television acting?

Since single-camera television is the same process as features, the only adjustment is that the shooting schedule is accelerated. So that’s pretty easy.

With multi-camera comedies it’s a little different, because they're shot like a play in front of a live audience. But most actors come from a theater background so there too, the adjustment isn’t very major.

The only two examples that come from personal experience are both from FRASIER. Michael Keaton, a wonderful actor, did an episode we wrote. And I thought his facial expressions and performance was a little too nuanced. On the big screen it would have been perfect, but on the small screen there were some subtle moments I felt were lost.

The other example, also from an episode my partner David Isaacs and I wrote, was when Aaron Eckhart guested. In fairness, he came in in the last minute so really didn’t have time to settle in. But he had a tough time. Fortunately, we just re-shot until we got it, and ultimately on camera he was his usual stellar self.

On the other hand, Laura Linney was also on that episode and from moment one it was like she had been doing multi-camera all her life. I love Laura Linney, by the way. And that’s one of the many reasons why.

Anonymous has a question. Usually I don’t respond unless you leave a name but it’s a question many have so I felt it should be addressed. Still, leave a name.

I would be interested to hear your take on the best route to writing for TV. I think most people who are trying realize the traditional route of specs, networking, working towards a writing assistant gig, etc. But I'd be curious as to what your take on the current climate is. Is a spec as worthwhile as it once was? Is it worth working towards a writing assistant gig as those, numbers-wise, are harder to get than a staff job? Is it more worthwhile to put shorts on the internet, do stand-up, or get a play produced? Everyone always talks about the cuspiness of the TV industry, but it seems like the advice given to writers at panels in LA and whatnot hasn't changed all that much.

I would try all of those methods. Anything you could do to get yourself noticed in a positive way.

Specs are as important today as before. The only difference is that now agents and showrunners want original material in addition to specs from existing shows. It used to be if you had one good spec for SEINFELD that would serve as your calling card. Now you need at least two, usually three samples and at least one being a pilot, screenplay, or one act play.

Oh, and one other tip: on the cover page of your script, it’s usually a good idea to leave a name. I’m just sayin’.

From Kevin S:

During the filming of 'Cheers', what was the protocol for making sure all the glassware (mugs, wine & martini glasses) were clean and sanitary for each week's use by various cast members?

The unsung hero of CHEERS was our prop master, Frankie Bellina. Can you imagine what a nightmare CHEERS was for a prop person? All those glasses, mugs, pretzel bowls, bottles, etc. Frankie was the best. Every glass was always washed and ready to go. He was so organized so that every scene change he had the exact right amount of glasses and mugs and knew exactly where each went. I don't know how he did it. Writing and directing pales by comparison.

These are things you don’t think about while watching a show but talented dedicated professionals are behind the scene busting their humps.

I’d toast you, Frankie but I misplaced my mug.

And finally, Carol needs help (and a Valium):

I somehow volunteered to write some 'skits' for this fundraiser my theatre (Dead Playwrights Repertory - shameless plug!) is doing, and now I'm panicking. They will be Shakespeare related, and hopefully funny. Can you give me some calming words of writerly wisdom to help get me started? (or a rich Hollywood patron to support us so I don't have to do this?)

I’m still looking for a rich Hollywood patron to support me. First, off, relax. Once you finally finish you will realize the task wasn’t as daunting as you thought.

My advice would be to get something down on paper fairly quickly. Even if it’s very rough. But it’s always so much easier to fix when you have something already on paper.

So dive in. And try to fool yourself into thinking this will be fun and liberating. Good luck with it.

What’s your question? Or should I say, what's your name and question?

A day at Black's nude Beach

2011-06-16T05:29:00.000-07:00

I had to go to Black’s Beach.

Not sure of its status today, but in the swinging ‘70s Black’s was a large nude beach in San Diego. I was a weekend disc jockey at B100 in 1976 and even though I had lived in San Diego a few years before (when I was full-time at another station) I had never made the pilgrimage. But I was always curious. Who wouldn’t be? You can see vaginas without a cover charge!

I was discussing the Middle East crisis with one of the other jocks from the station one night over tequila shooters and the conversation logically turned to Black’s Beach. Finally, he shrugged and said, “Well, let’s just go.” Damn! Why didn’t I ever think of that? I had to be on the air the next afternoon at 3:00 so we decided to go at noon; giving us a good couple of hours of sunning and ogling.

Black’s Beach is located in La Jolla and -- not surprising -- it’s very secluded. To access it you had to negotiate a half-mile steep path down a sharp cliff. That five-dollar cover charge was looking pretty good to me.

We finally reached the bottom and oh my God. It was as advertised. Filled with naked people, most of them young, many of them girls.

We set down a blanket and it was showdown time. Now understand that I had a hard time in junior high taking showers after gym. That’s just embedded in Jewish DNA. My people tend not to “streak”. We’re not, by nature, a “let it all hang out and frolic” culture. But the DJ who was with me stripped down in seconds. He obviously wasn’t Jewish, which was visually apparent the minute he lowered his pants.

So I figured, what the hell? I was actually very proud of myself. I took off all my clothes. I figured, if I can eat pork I can do this.

I was surprisingly less self-conscious than I thought I would be. We tried to play it very cool. At first I noticed a few guys checking us out as they walked by. I thought, “How juvenile. Still cComparing sizes like schoolboys.” Then it occurred to me -- my friend and I lying on this blanket – we could not have looked more gay if we tried. And it didn’t help that we put sunscreen lotion on each other’s back. What a couple of idiots.

So I grabbed my towel and set it on the sand a safe distance away. The scene itself was rather remarkable. Gorgeous naked college coeds, some oldsters far more comfortable with their saggy flesh than anyone viewing them were, and a number of athletic-looking dudes on the shore tossing the Frisbee around, trying to get noticed. Ironically, there were no blacks at Black’s. My guess is the Frisbee flingers would have been far less proud of themselves if there were.

I decided to take a walk along the beach. I figured that was the most discreet way to check out the scene without seeming obvious. Y’know, I’m walking to the snack stand or the restrooms or the lifeguard station. Except… there were no snack stands or restrooms or lifeguard stations. The only reason to walk along the beach was to scope people out.

There was one girl lying flat on her back on a towel, reading PORTNOY’S COMPLAINT with her legs spread wide apart. Talk about the perfect Philip Roth moment!

I didn’t approach her. What was I going to say? “Have you ever seen so much masturbation in a book in your life?” Besides, I rationalized that even if we had hit it off and she invited me to call her, where could she write the number?

At 2:00 we decided to head back up. Our work here was done. One thing we had forgotten to consider: that steep cliff. Getting down was tricky and time consuming. Now we had to climb. Straight up.

We’re climbing and climbing and I finally check my watch and shit! It’s 2:30 already. We’re only halfway up.

So now we had to essentially sprint. I thought my lungs were going to burst. Got to his car, exhausted, and completely out of breath, and sped to the station; arriving two minutes before I had to go on the air. I’m wearing nothing but a bathing suit. I sign on by gasping. By 4:00 the sunburn below kicked in. I did the last three hours of my show with Popsicles on my lap that I bought from the vending machine.

Things I learned from the experience:

Wear sunglasses. No one can tell you’re staring.

Pack a sandwich and rappelling gear.

This is what Justin Timberlake’s home pool area must look like every Sunday.

Level 60 sunblock protection means nothing to areas never before exposed to the sun. You might as well just squat over a lit bar-b-que pit.

Without wearing a cup, a Frisbee becomes a potential lethal weapon.

and finally:

Women read PORTNOY’S COMPLAINT.

That was my one and only time at Black's Beach. And even to this day, if someone hands me a Popsicle my natural urge is to jam it down my pants.

Dating a witch

2011-06-15T05:35:00.000-07:00

Here's another short exerpt from my upcoming book on growing up in the '60s. (You can bide the time until it's released by getting my other book. Order now!) This is the perfect post for June 15th (you'll see why). It's 1967. I've just gone out on a date with Eleanor. During the date she casually mentioned that she was a witch.

Eleanor was extremely cute. Huge blue eyes, a slight over-bite (which works for me), svelte figure, and a Dorothy Hamill wedge haircut.

Afterwards we went to Sambo’s for dessert (yes, there was an actual coffee shop chain named “Sambo’s”) and I followed up on the witch thing. Her months in bed with mono required no further details (although I would hear them again… and again… and again). I asked, “So you mean you’re like Samantha in Betwitched?” “No,” she snorted, “that show is so unrealistic.” (Really? You mean you can’t wriggle your nose and turn someone into a hamster? Why isn’t there a disclaimer at the beginning of the show?)

It’s been awhile so I hope I can recall this correctly. Jesus blessed her by making her beautiful, but with the extra attention came people who would take advantage of her, or resent her. And so, as protection, since He might find himself preoccupied with other things (like seeing that the Packers covered the spread in the Super Bowl), He also blessed her by making her a witch. Her faith in Jesus was rewarded with an interest in the occult. And she now had the power to inflict curses (which she assured me she only did when absolutely necessary). I think that’s pretty much the gist. It was always my understanding that the Christian Bible strongly denounced any occult practices because they were the work of Satan, but why quibble?

She squeezed my hand as we walked to her front door and kissed me on the lips. Suddenly she went from major nutcase to delightfully eccentric.

Such are the concessions we make for a potential first girlfriend.

We started going out every Saturday night, usually to concerts.

Eleanor was what was commonly called a D.D.H. – damn door hugger. I’m surprised she didn’t fly out of the car whenever I took sharp turns (and there were a couple of nights I took sharp curves on purpose).

I would get my kiss on the lips goodnight. I would get to put my arm around her in the movies. And eventually we made out in my car. I was allowed to grope and pet but she always had to be fully clothed. I was never permitted to learn just how cold a witch’s tit really is.

At school she very friendly but not particularly affectionate. If I held her hand she didn’t pull away, but she never offered hers. She was usually surrounded by her magpie friends. Still, I would say we were an item… if only to the keenly observant.

The spring prom was coming up and I thought, okay, finally, here’s the perfect time to really make my move. Rumor had it that lots of girls lost their virginity on prom night – it being a special occasion and more importantly, curfews were relaxed.

So I rented a tuxedo, bought her the obligatory wrist corsage, and escorted her to the elegant Taft multi-purpose room for this gala occasion. It was my first prom and I couldn’t be more under whelmed. Overdressed classmates awkwardly milling about drinking punch or standing in a long line to get their picture taken. Missing this is what drove Janis Ian to madness?

After the prom I took Eleanor to Monty’s Steak House in Encino for a nice dinner (you can’t go to Shakey’s in formal attire). Then we drove to a secluded spot up in the hills for a little amore. At first I stabbed myself on her corsage but things improved. We were making out, she was seemingly receptive, so I reached behind to unzip her dress.

And she stopped me.

She wasn’t ready to do that (at least with me). I lied and said all the right things – I really cared about her, respected her, she was the most beautiful girl in the entire world, I would pledge to a coven. No dice. But she said it was because of her, not me. And then she explained. I must say, I’ve been given the brush-off a fair amount in my time, but no rejection since Eleanor’s could even compare when it comes to originality. She said she couldn’t get involved because of her birthday. I said, “You have to be at least 16, you’re a junior in high school.” No, no. That’s not what she meant. Her birth date.

Eleanor was born on June 15, 1950. That’s the middle of the month, the middle of the year, the middle of the century. It was her lot in life to always be in the middle, always stay uncommitted.

Even at the time I thought, “Wow, that was impressive. She’s a fucking loon but that was impressive.”

We broke up after that. My birth date is February 14th. We weren’t compatible. I was meant to gun down gangsters in a Chicago garage.

Happy birthday, Eleanor.

Celebrity fan mail -- the ultimate cry for help

2011-06-14T05:32:00.000-07:00

One of the most amusing and utterly terrifying benefits of being on staff of a show is having access to the viewer “fan mail”. Oh…my…fucking…God! You can’t believe the crazies that are out there. And they’re fans of YOUR show.

There are many varieties of loony mail. First off, viewers think the characters they see on television are real. So they address their letters to Niles Crane, Sam Malone, Diane Chambers, etc. And since they don’t know Sam Malone’s address they’ll just write c/o Cheers, Boston, Mass. Or Hawkeye, MASH, Korea. In the latter case, they assume (a) Hawkeye exists, (b) no last name is necessary, and (c) mail can time travel. I’d bet my house that Homer Simpson gets fan mail from registered voters.

I mean, it’s cute when your five-year-old sends Santa Claus a letter to the North Pole. But when it’s some fifty-year-old dashing off a note to Clark Kent in Smallville, that’s a little strange.

The letters themselves are beauts. Marriage proposals, invites to Thanksgiving dinners, pictures, drawings, handmade gifts, and my favorite – seeking advice.

Diane, should I change my major?

Pam, there’s this guy in the office where I work who I think likes me. He’s kind of dorky but nice. Should I give him a blowjob?

Jeff, who do I send my transcripts to to get into your community college?

Generally however, their requests are for autographed pictures, locks of their hair, their home phone numbers, and shoes.

Sometimes they’re angry letters. They feel betrayed because their favorite character wore a purple scarf.

Liz Lemon, I used to like you, but you are a whore!

Other times the missives are warnings.

Jim, Pam is a dirty little slut and will CHEAT ON YOU. Get out now!!

Alicia, your husband fucked Kalinda!

The letters addressed to the actors and actresses are only slightly better. For addresses they seem to feel “CBS” is sufficient. Or “Must See TV, U.S.A.”. The inquiries are the usual requests for pictures and adoption. And this is my favorite. Two out of three letters include this: (I’ll use Amy Poehler as an example.)

Hi, Amy. Everyone says I look just like you. You know what would be great? I could play your sister on the show . I’m sending a picture of me so you could see. We might as well be twins!”

The enclosed photo is then of a fat Haitian woman who’s at least sixty with a missing ear. These pictures look NOTHING like the stars they claim to resemble. Ever. I want to know just who these “everyones” are that think they do. How far does the dementia spread?

I think it’s lovely that if there’s a celebrity you admire you want to take the time to let them know. I can't think of one star who doesn’t appreciate adoration (if not crave it). But some guidelines if you hope to ever actually reach them. Because usually fan mail is screened by a staff member or assistant, and only a select few are passed on to the celebrity. To be one of those:

Be brief. A thirty-page handwritten rambling treatise just screams “Cliff Clavin”.

Other than a picture or autograph, don’t ask for anything. They don’t know you. Why would they send you their underwear?

Don’t give them anything. And especially don’t give them anything for their kids if they have kids. That’s off-the-charts creepy.

Spell their name correctly.

Type.

Don't draw cartoons or doodles on the letter.

If they’re on a show, find the location of the show and address the letter to them, in care of the show, with the street address of the studio that produces it.

If they’re a movie star, they probably have either a fan site, or a publicist, or agent. Send to the star in care of them.

Don’t address the envelope in crayon.

Provide a return address. Include the cell block number.

You may think you know them because you read the National Enquirer. But you don’t. Avoid writing anything really personal or intimate.

Don't mention that you have a shrine dedicated to them.

Don't reveal your sexual fantasies that include them.

You do not look just like Amy Poehler.

Do not send photos of you or Anthony Weiner portions of you.

Probably the best thing you could do is not mail them at all. Instead, they must have fan sites on social networks. Follow them on Twitter. Drop them a quick note on their Facebook page. Trust me, More than a long effusive letter, the object of your admiration will far greater appreciate a simple click on “Like”.

My 2011 Tony Awards review

2011-06-13T05:36:00.000-07:00

Time for my annual Tony Award Show review, or, for the 99.99% of you who didn’t watch it – a recap of what you missed. I’m joined by my adorable snarky daughter Annie and her twisted writing partner, Jon Emerson.

I had a rooting interest in the program this year. Several friends were up for awards. Bill & Cheri Steinkellner for the book of SISTER ACT (lost), John Benjamin Hickey for Best Supporting actor (won!), and Andrew Rannells for best actor in a musical (lost). Andrew, however, sang the featured song from THE BOOK OF MORMON and I think the four of you who saw the show will agree that he’s going to be a huge star. Proud to say he starred in the musical I co-wrote that went nowhere and the reading of my play that went nowhere.

Meanwhile, over on ABC, the Dallas Mavericks won the NBA Finals. But if you know who Nina Arianda is and not Dirk Nowitzki, you were watching the Tonys.

Usually I say the Tonys are the only award show where no one thanks their wives. This year, with THE BOOK OF MORMON there was the chance that winners would thank many wives. But not so. That would require Mormons to actually be involved.

THE BOOK OF MORMON won every award except the one I wanted it to win – Andrew’s. Norbert Leo Butz got that prize and I’m sure he was very deserving but shit! He never collaborated with me on any theater projects that went nowhere.

My guess is Andrew and fellow cast member Josh Gad split the votes.

The Tonys are still the only major award show that is tape-delayed for the West Coast. But considering it will take three years for the winning shows to get to the West Coast, three hours is no big whoop. Besides, everyone was watching the basketball game anyway.

Usually the ceremony is held at Radio City Music Hall. This year’s venue was the much cozier Beacon Theatre. So for the first time, the CBS television audience will be larger than the attending audience.

I didn’t cover the Red Carpet coverage because, well… there was Red Carpet coverage?

Neil Patrick Harris is the best awards host EVER. His opening number was hilarious. “Broadway is Not Just For Gays Anymore”. Of course, as Annie pointed out, five minutes later they did a production number called “The Brotherhood of Men” (from HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS).

One thing we learned last night: NEVER use Brook Shields on a live show. What a disaster. She completely bollixed her four-line stanza in the opening number and then as a presenter had to be bleeped. I’m sure another twelve seconds on camera and her nipple would have popped out.

Favorite lyric in Harris’ opening number – “Come in and be inspired/No sodomy required”. I’m only sorry those weren’t Brook Shields’ lines.

Say what you will about the Tonys -- they are for Gays… and Jews. And most people have never heard of any of the shows or performers – but there is always more actual entertainment in their ceremony than all the other award shows combined. I find it a little odd that 30 million people will watch Bristol Palin clomp around like a Clydesdale on DANCING WITH THE STARS but eight people tune in to see the finest singers and dancers in musical comedy perform magnificent production numbers.

In pre-show non-televised ceremonies, Eve Ensler, who wrote THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES received a special award for her humanitarian efforts and for reminding us that Broadway is firmly committed to social change and vaginas.

John Leguizamo is painfully unfunny. He’s the George Lopez of Broadway. Awards for Choreography and Best Score weren’t deemed important enough to air in primetime but it was okay to give this enemy of comedy ten minutes of precious air time. When he was finished they cut to a shot of Chris Rock in the audience who spoke for all of America when he mouthed, “What the fuck?”

Samuel L. Jackson, in his white jacket, black slacks, and white shoes came dressed perfectly for the occasion – if the occasion was the shuffleboard championships on the Lido Deck of the Crystal Serenity.

A big winner was the very deserving THE NORMAL HEART (a gut wrenching play about AIDS) and the big surprise later in the evening was the cast reunion of PRICILLA, QUEEN OF THE DESERT. Maybe they should have saved that “Broadway is not just for Gays anymore” number for another year.

Mark Rylance won for best actor in JERUSELEUM. But he would have won for LA BETE had he put that one up instead. One of the greatest comic performances I have ever seen.

He also gives the most unique speeches. For the second time he just read a prose poem. This one on how to walk through walls.

Thank God Al Pacino didn’t win. I don’t think I could have endured another of his rambling incoherent acceptance babbles. I’m still trying to figure out what he was saying at the 2004 Emmys.

Nikki James from THE BOOK OF MORMON gave the most frenetic speech. When she launched into some incomprehensible story about bumblebees five minutes in, I found myself yelling “Get off! GET OFF!” It’s like the first minute I’m thrilled for these people, the second minute I start getting antsy, and by minute four I want them off the stage even they’re in the middle of thanking me.

Still, the most emotional moment of the night was when Sutton Foster (who I absolutely love) almost broke down because her long-time dresser gave notice. I’d say folks in the Red States might click off at this point but who are we kidding? They were gone by the sodomy joke.

Winner Ellen Barkin gets the “Diva” award for the speech by an actor who takes themselves the most seriously. Her speech, delivered without a trace of irony, included all of the following words and phrases: profound, transformed me as a human being, one person can change the world, genius, Atlas, bravest. What she didn’t do was thank her children.

Patti LuPone was nominated for WOMAN ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. Annie observed, “She was nominated for playing herself?”

No one was happier that WAR HORSE won Best Play than the CBS censor. One of the other nominees was THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT. I can only imagine if that had won.

Off-stage announcer, Randy Thomas was, as usual, flawless. She should announce every award show, be the voice of my GPS, and give the starting line-ups at Yankee Stadium.

In an attempt to capture a larger audience, the presenters were all TV or movie personalities. The Tonys this year was a “No Nathan Lane Zone”. Instead you had Brook Shields, Jim Parsons, Chris Rock (who was hysterical), Marg Helgenberger, Christy Brinkley (for crying out loud), and Karl Marx. (Huh? Oh. That was Robin Williams?) I’m surprised they didn’t have Mr. Ed introduce WAR HORSE.

Whoopi Goldberg came out wearing a pirate hat the size of Lichtenstein. She really needed it because she wasn’t overbearing and over-the-top enough.

For the first time in the 65-year history of the Tony Awards, they waited a full two hours before the Sondheim tribute number.

Annie wondered why Bono and The Edge introduced their own song (from the musical SPIDERMAN), and Jon said, “Because no one else would sign the waiver”.

Sick joke alert but I laughed: When Tyne Daly was introducing the In Memoriam segment and saying the theater lost many great people this year, Jon chimed in with, “Yeah, and half the cast of SPIDERMAN”.

Frances McDormand must’ve known she was going to win. She wore her best Levi jacket. Maybe next time she’ll also wash her hair.

The show concluded with another amazing Neil Patrick Harris musical re-cap. Whoever writes these intricate numbers (obviously on the fly) is brilliant and how Harris can perform them live with no rehearsal is beyond me. All I could think was – oh please, next year let Brook Shields host.

What I learned on my first musical

2011-06-12T05:28:00.000-07:00

Cast of the 60s PROJECT: Michael Gillis, Andrew Rannells, Megan Lewis, Maggie Benjamin, and Rodrick Covington.

The Tony Awards are tonight and in honor of that I'm re-posting a piece I did several years on what I learned on my first musical. I spent the summer of 2006 in Connecticut where the musical I co-wrote with Janet Brenner (the 60s PROJECT) went into production at the Goodspeed Theatre, I learned quite a bit about the process. For those of you hitting the boards somewhere in our nation's heartland, here are a few things you might want to know.

By the way, Andrew Rannells, who starred in our show, is up for a Tony tonight for THE BOOK OF MORMON. So I hope he wins. I'm also rooting for John Benjamin Hickey in his category. Oh, and Bill & Cheri Steinkellner for their book for SISTER ACT. Yeah, I'm partial to people I've worked with.. But they're all very deserving, even if none of them will thank me on stage.

So here's what I learned:

The director must encourage everyone to share ideas. He must then discard 80% of them, especially the ones from the prop guy who's taken the liberty of writing new songs.

You need six weeks to rehearse a musical. But if you have six weeks, you'll need eight.

If the choreographer had her way, seven of the eight hours of rehearsal everyday would be devoted to the dance numbers. If the music director had his way, those same seven hours would be devoted to teaching and practicing the music. If the book writer had his way, scene work would fill the day. And if the director had his way it would be a one woman show with Bernadette Peters who could do it all in five hours.

One change, no matter how small, is like pulling a string in Penelope's Tapestry. It effects everything. If the music director adds a bar in a song, the choreographer will want to reblock the entire dance number. If the book writer changes one line it effects the underscoring, next cue, choreography, lighting, sound, background visuals, upcoming costume change, transition into the next scene, and future of the American musical theatre. So it better be a good new line.

If there's a fight scene or even fight moment there has to be a daily fight rehearsal before a performance. For West Side Story you can rehearse without the knives.

Wireless mics that stick out of cast members foreheads produce better sound and are not noticeable and distracting beyond the fiftieth row.

The cast elects an Equity Deputy whose job it is to snitch behind the director's back if an Equity rule is broken. Rules include looking at an actor with an expression that might hurt his feelings.

To learn even one dance number I would need to practice eight hours a day for six months at which time maybe I could do the whole thing without elbowing someone in the face. These kids get it down in six minutes.

You need a good drummer. A real good drummer.

See a night time performance rather than a matinee.

Actors need to yell out their dialogue. Not just speak loud, but YELL. Even if the line is "Pssst, let me tell you a secret." Only Renee Taylor can talk in her regular speaking voice.

When your wife or girlfriend needs forty-five minutes to change her clothes, just know it can be done in as little as ten seconds.

Every performer comes from a dysfunctional family but thanks them profusely in their Playbill bio.

Most people pad their Playbill bios, listing every credit since they played a kitty in grammar school. So my favorite Playbill bio remains: Jerry Belson, who wrote the 1975 movie SMILE that got turned into a musical, submitted only this -- "SMILE fulfills a lifetime dream for Mr. Belson, to get paid twice for the same script."

During performances there are nine people walking around with headsets. No one knows who they are or what they're doing.

A good running time, including a fifteen minute intermission is 2:20.

The song you loved the most before going into rehearsal is the song you need to cut.

No two people have the same script. Everyone is on stage working off different drafts.

The Teamsters are pansies compared to the Equity Union.

Actors will tell you: it's hard to be sung to. And offstage it's even harder.

When you're in the orchestra section, don't think the cast can't see you. If you're going to be Pee Wee Herman you're going to have an audience.

It's always better to say it in a song rather than dialogue. But those few lines of dialogue can galvanize the entire story.

Since there is limited rehearsal time once a show opens, it can take up to a week to put in some changes. You have to prioritize fixes, based on how needed they are and how long they will take to implement. What that means is you take notes every night and they're always the same notes.

Casting decisions are still the most important. Everything else can be fixed. Except if you want to do C-SPAN: The Musical, that idea might kill it.

Actors are not allowed to talk to conductors. There's a very strict chain of command. Book writers are not allowed to talk to anybody.

The guard at every stage door is named "Pops".

When it works, a musical can be more than entertaining, it can be thrilling. There is an electricity, a magic that is so powerful it transcends whatever's happening on stage. Yes, it's a tall order and rarely achieved but that's the goal. And if you don't hang yourself in a hotel room in New Haven it can be quite exciting.

Unless I fall asleep I will review the Tonys tomorrow.

Superman is getting a new costume

2011-06-11T13:53:00.000-07:00

Starting in September, DC Comics will introduce Superman wearing a new costume. Gone will be the attractive red shorts. He'll just be wearing blue pants. This makes it so much easier for the Man of Steel to take cellphone pictures of himself and send them to Lois.

Not sure I like tampering with tradition. Plus, does this mean I have to get all new action figures and replace my lunchbox? Great Caesar's Ghost!

Clone High

2011-06-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

You up for a bizarre animated series? This is CLONE HIGH. It was originally made in Canada and ran on MTV only from November 2002 to April 2003. Here's the premise. As a military experiment, historical figures are all cloned. They're now teen aged and going to high school together. So you have Abe Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, JFK, Joan of Arc, Cleopatra, Marilyn Monroe, etc. There was outrage in India over the depiction of Gandhi and eventually MTV bowed to pressure (good taste?) and took the series off, not airing the final episodes. It was created by Phil Lord & Christopher Miller.

I'm always looking to present different styles of humor. This week's brand is rather sick and twisted.

What do you think? This is the pilot.

Diana Ross as Hot Lips

2011-06-10T05:28:00.000-07:00

One of my regular features (actually my only regular feature) is Friday Question Day. You ask. I answer. I try to be right.

Lou H. gets us started:

Ken, on the shows you've produced, did you ever have to do something against your better judgment, such as stunt casting, because of pressure from the network during sweeps?

On the ill-fated AfterMASH there was tremendous pressure to keep bringing back MASH cast members. (We did bring back Gary Burghoff as Radar and that proved to be a series highlight). But at some point you have to live or die with your actual cast.

We got a lot of pressure to bring Loretta Swit back for a guest appearance as Hot Lips. We were totally on board with that but Loretta declined. (She probably watched an episode of the show.) But here’s my favorite part of the story. One of the idiot studio executives said, “Well, just cast somebody else and call them Hot Lips.” Yeah, that makes it a real event. So I suggested he check on Diana Ross’ availability.

What a moron.

Carson wonders:

What's the fastest you've seen or had one of your scripts go from the writing to production to air?

On BIG WAVE DAVE’S for CBS we received no lead time. They wanted the show rushed to summer. I remember an episode my partner, David and I wrote over one weekend. It went into production the next day, was filmed the end of the week, and aired a week later. So from the time we came up with the idea for the story until the finished product aired on CBS was less than three weeks. By the way: it was my favorite episode. You can see it here.

From OneAndAHalfWoman:

For an hour long drama shot in multiple locations the schedule is much harder, correct? Especially if there is one star who is in almost every scene. I'm basing this on some extras I've watched, specifically Veronica Mars. Just wondering.

Yes, it’s much harder. Network hour shows are generally shot in eight days. On cable sometimes less. That means lonnnng hours, often fifteen or sixteen hour days. Hugh Laurie earns his money on HOUSE. So did Kiefer Sutherland on 24. There were times he was probably praying that Jack Bauer got killed.

Not sure this still goes on but I believe it does. The SAG contract requires that you must give an actor twelve hours from when he wraps one day of shooting to when he starts the next. Otherwise, it’s a huge penalty. So to get around that, if there is night shooting, the production staff will schedule it for Friday night since there’s no shooting on the weekend. So an actor might get a 7:00 AM call on Friday morning and work until 5:00 AM on Saturday morning since his next call won’t be until Monday. Imagine doing this for seven months. No wonder House is always cranky and has livers removed needlessly.

And finally, from Michael:

When you were a showrunner, how much input or say did you have in selecting the clothes the characters wore?

Not a lot on MASH. From time to time I got involved but only to make sure the wardrobe was right for the character. I don’t know crap about women’s fashion. Thank goodness on ALMOST PERFECT we had Robin Schiff who (a) was a fellow showrunner, and (b) had great taste. Whenever there was a wardrobe issue we happily let Robin handle it. For me to go up to an actress and start telling her what to wear is like me diving out of an airplane with nothing but a parasol.

Nowadays, like with everything else, the networks are getting more involved in making these calls. I hear on some shows that for every costume change you now have to send photos of the actress in three or four selections and the network picks one. Like I said, I have zero fashion sense, but I’d still rather make my own decisions thank you.

What's your question? Please leave it in the comment section. Many thanks.

Use me when playing "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon"

2011-06-09T05:26:00.000-07:00

You’re familiar with the game “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon”, right? Kevin has worked with pretty much everyone in Hollywood. Even more people than Heidi Fleiss. In no more than six projects you can usually trace any performer back to Kevin Bacon. Well, for the serious “Kevin Bacon” player, let me add a few more links based on my involvement with him.
Granted, it’s not a big involvement. On FRASIER, whenever Dr. Crane spoke to a listener on his radio show they got a celebrity to play the caller. Kevin Bacon did one for a show my partner David and I wrote.

So you can now link Kevin to any of the other unlikely celebrities I wrote for or directed.

Dr. Timothy Leary did a FRASIER phone call for one of our shows. That’s right. We wrote for Dr. Timothy Leary. You'd think that would be good for some complimentary LSD at the Free Clinic, wouldn't you?

Also, we wrote jokes for the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral William J. Crowe. He did a CHEERS we scripted. See, aren’t I a name dropper?

Craig Ferguson guested on an episode of ALMOST PERFECT. So it’s just a few steps from Kevin Bacon to Craig Ferguson’s robot. Amaze your friends!

Then there are the athletes. We wrote for Wade Boggs (later to learn in his mistress’ tell-all in Playboy that he only took the job for a free trip to LA to bang her), Kevin McHale (who was sensational!), and Luis Tiant. (who also would have been great if only you could understand one single solitary thing he was saying – even after sixty takes).

So in only two steps you can get from Kevin Bacon to Luis Tiant. There’s a huge bar bet waiting to be won.

As a director, I had the pleasure of coaxing comic brilliance out of Karl Malone (in this case “the Mail Man” did not deliver – oy!), funnyman Mike Ditka (“a little more energy, Mike”), and Terry Bradshaw (“a little less energy, Terry. In fact, a LOT less energy. In fact, just stand there.”)

Oh sure, I’ve worked with a lot of top flight actors but you know all of them and could probably get to Kevin Bacon through other paths. The real challenge comes when someone throws Art Garfunkel at you (FRASIER caller), or you’re at the national finals and for the world’s championship you’re given the name Bombo the orangutan (did a JUST SHOOT ME I directed).

So use me. Be my guest. It’s my little way of Paying It Forward. The only thing disconcerting about providing this useful public service is that all these celebrities that I worked with so intimately over the years – I bet not one remembers me and knows who I am. But that's okay. I'm sure Bombo doesn't know who Kevin Bacon is either.

Some random blogservations...

2011-06-08T05:34:00.000-07:00

Thanks again to everyone for the nice wishes on the TIME magazine honor. I was hoping to get recognized. Now I don’t have to tweet those photos of myself.

How perfect that the shutterbug congressman’s name is “Weiner”. And how further perfect that the person who officiated his wedding was Bill Clinton.

If they use that storyline next year on THE GOOD WIFE, Chris Noth could once again play “Mr. Big”.

3D movies are starting to flop. Audiences are finding those glasses annoying. It's hard to text with them on.

Maybe if the congressman had tweeted in 3D….

How come on HAWAII 5-0 Scott Caan never does anything anymore while that lox Alex O’Loughlin does everything? That’s like developing MORK & MINDY around Mindy.

Weiner apparently had a relationship with porn star Ginger Lee. Once this was discovered he coached her on what to say. Here was his suggestion: “This is silly. Like so many others, I follow Rep. Weiner on Twitter.” Oh yeah, all porn stars follow U.S. congressmen on Twitter.

Am I the only one tired of Lady Gaga? We get it. You’re outrageous. You’re a great self-promoter. You look better in a mask.

After a five-year hiatus, the CBS EVENING NEWS has returned to the airwaves.

Headline in yesterday’s HuffPost: How Ringo Starr Was Almost Killed by Nazis.

And another, even better HuffPost headline: Did Ronald Reagan Think 'E.T' Was A True Story?!

Note to waiters and waitresses: Not everything is awesome.

Some favorite team names: Lehigh Valley IronPigs, Long Beach State DirtBags, Great Lakes Loons, Richmond Flying Squirrels, and Modesto Nuts.

TRUE BLOOD is back this summer. I bet the ratings would be higher if they went with my daughter, Annie’s title for the show. VAMPIRE PORN.

Think of how much better Terrence Malick’s THE TREE OF LIFE would have been if he hadn’t’ve rushed it.

Happy birthday to my brother, Corey.

The NBA FINALS have been great this year. Now tied 2-2. Dirk Nowitzki even looks like Bill Walton.

My summer guilty pleasures: “The Best of the Beach Boys”, frozen bananas, COVERT AFFAIRS.

Milton Bradley’s name is on the All-Star ballot. He’s been released by Seattle, no other team in baseball will touch him. He was so hated by fans that he wore earplugs to drown out the booing – in his own home stadium. So give him real serious consideration.

Everyone says the new X-MEN: FIRST CLASS movie is just that… except for January Jones. But I hear she’s in lingerie for most of the film, so who cares? You already know she can’t act.

Cheryl Cole has been axed off of THE X-FACTOR (U.S. version). This would be a bigger story if anyone in America knew who the hell she was. Apparently her accent is so thick that you can’t understand a word she says. And overly-critical Fox thought that was an issue.

Laurence Fishburne is leaving CSI. After two years of basically posing, he moves on to resume trying to have Samuel L. Jackson's career. Hey, Cheryl Cole! There's an opening!

Every time I see a Beverly Hills restaurant go out of business that charged $7 for valet parking I cheer.

There will be an AMERICAN PIE 4. (So many unanswered questions from the first three). The entire original cast has been signed. The hard part was coordinating schedules with rehabs.

Maybe if the congressman had tweeted it in a pie…

Two people returned my book to Kindle last month. How bad could it be that they demanded their $2.99 back? Thanks to all of you who bought it and absorbed the loss. You can order yours here – at no risk to you.

U2 and me too in Seattle

2011-06-07T05:32:00.000-07:00

Just back from Seattle where I had the honor of broadcasting a week of Mariners’ baseball. As the song goes, “the bluest skies you’ve ever seen are in Seattle” … just not every day.

Stayed at the Silver Cloud – a terrific hotel even if it sounds like the name of Tonto’s father. It’s directly across the street from Safeco Field. I opened my window and there was a giant mural of pitcher Felix Hernandez staring directly into my room. Now that’s a wake-up call. Every morning I pulled back the drapes and, “AAAAAAAA!!!”

Note to myself: Learn the difference between a hotel room safe and a microwave.

Missed by one day the streaker who ran across the outfield during a game (and it wasn’t even “70s Night”). He spent two nights in jail, faces multiple charges, and a scout from the Pittsburgh Pirates, impressed with his speed, wants to sign him. Actually, there were several cretins who ran out onto the field that night. One was a military man (now spending the rest of his life cleaning urinals with a toothbrush), and the other buffoon was scheduled to get married the next day. “Uh, honey, any chance we could move the venue from your church to the city drunk tank?”

When in Pioneer Square, try some Cow Chip Cookies – just don’t ask what’s in ‘em.

For a fundraiser, one charity is offering the opportunity to rappel a major skyscraper. That’s right. For a sizeable donation they’ll hook you up to a harness and you get to scale a thirty-story building. Jesus! You get local group, Death Cab for Cutie to sing a few songs, honor Bill Gates, have a silent auction, and call it a year. No one ever risked their life bidding on ferry passes.

Here’s something they don’t have in Manhattan: At the Woodland Park Zoo on Saturday they offered a class on how to bear-proof your yard.

As a tribute to Elvis Presley, the city has kept the Space Needle, constructed for the 1962 Elvis movie classic, IT HAPPENED AT THE WORLD’S FAIR. From it’s revolving rooftop restaurant you can see the city, Puget Sound, and the Olympic and Cascade mountain ranges while you dine. Perfect for sightseers and bulimics.

Must see: The Experience Music Project/Science Fiction Hall of Fame. Every guitar that’s not in the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame or Conan O’Brien’s garage is on display in this virtual music library. Imagine if the Louvre had a wing for Grunge. There’s a permanent display for Seattle homeboy Jimi Hendrix (featuring his music – tributes to the other aspect of his life are found everywhere. They’re called pharmacies.), Star Trek and Battlestar Galicata memorabilia, and a new exhibit honoring AVATAR just started. Cast member Michelle Rodriguez was in town for the opening so no pedestrian was safe.

Fabulous steaks at the Metropolitan Grill… right next door to a weight loss clinic.

Why I love Seattle: A movie theater all week was showing ABBOTT & COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN.

Not only does the Elliott Bay Oyster House serve a great cracked crab and have finger bowls -- from 3:00-3:30, oysters are just fifty cents. They go up a quarter every half hour until 6:00 so you’re gonna wanna get there exactly at 3.

The Elliott Bay Book Company has moved downtown. Booo! Pioneer Square is just not the same without this classic landmark and all the Popeye-looking guys in sailor hats who used to mill about drinking spinach lattes. The new bookstore has high ceilings and impressive wood beams but Bluto would never be caught dead in it.

Saturday was insane. U2 performed at Qwest Field (also across the street from my hotel) so try getting a cab when 70,000 people are arriving at the same time. You could hear the show from my room (hell, you could hear it from Alaska) and Bono sounded pretty good. I can now say I’ve been to a U2 concert. I just had a somewhat obstructed view. But I imagine so did a lot of people who spent big bucks to actually be inside the stadium. A giant stage was erected in the middle of the field, called “the Claw” that featured state-of-the-art video board presentations. This Erector Set marvel requires 120 trucks to transport. So we’re not talking an intimate cabaret show here. If this “Claw” was between you and the group, the only way you’ll see U2 is when you get home and watch YouTube.

Meanwhile, outside the stadium there was a nimrod in the parking lot playing a set of drums to the music. “Yeah, I jammed with Bono”, he can now boast to his new friend, the streaker, in the holding cell.

The weather over the weekend was absolutely glorious! The bluest skies! When it’s not raining, there is no more beautiful part of the country than the Pacific Northwest. But it’s been a cold wet winter so when the sun finally did come out the population emerged liked the Munchkins after Margaret Hamilton croaked.

The Mariners won five of the seven games I called. In one dramatic inning our pitcher struck out a guy to end a big threat and I blurted out, “Wow, if I had a catchphrase I’d be saying it RIGHT NOW!” As it happened, I didn’t need a catchphrase very much. In the series with Tampa Bay, the Mariners hit eight home runs. My partner, Rick Rizzs called all of them. But I did have a squeeze bunt and a pick off throw to third.

Still, just being a part of the Mariners’ broadcast team again has been a thrill. Hope you like what you hear. If so, I’d say please let the Mariners know, but I just have this awful sinking feeling that someone will make a banner and run across the outfield in the middle of a game.

WOW!!

2011-06-06T12:16:00.000-07:00

Time magazine just named this humble site one of the Top 25 blogs of 2011. I imagine Roseanne just canceled her subscription to Time magazine. Thanks so much and for all you new readers, here are a few archive links to give you an idea of what nonsense goes on here.

The Traci Lord Family Show

Pregnant in Heels

Writers' torture: waiting for your script to be read

How to really write a romantic comedy

My best home run call

Thanks again. This is much better than a Peoples' Choice Award.

When people tell me I'm not funny...

2011-06-06T05:34:00.000-07:00

This happens to me all the time.

I’m at a party. I make the mistake of telling someone I casually meet that I’m a comedy writer. If they don’t launch into what they think is wrong with television (as if it’s all my fault), they’ll invariably say, “Really? A comedy writer. Say something funny”. Just like I'm a trained seal.

I want to say to them: “What do you do”? “I’m a doctor”. “Really? Do a tracheotomy”.

(Alternate version: I tell the person I’m a baseball announcer. “Really? Let me hear you call something”. What I'll always say is, “Low, ball two”. What, I’m going to launch into a big home run call in the middle of a crowded room?)

These party people are always disappointed. I sure don’t seem that funny. I’ve even had one or two actually say that. I ask what them what do they expect. I’ll get answers like Robin Williams or Steve Martin.

I’ve met Steve briefly and used to do improv with Robin. And I can honestly say, these are two of the unfunniest human beings I’ve ever met – when they want to be – which is most of the time. Yes, they can turn it on and when they do there’s no one more brilliant, but those are usually reserved for TONIGHT SHOW appearances. After improv workshops when the whole class would go out for coffee, Robin usually just sat there, quiet as a church mouse.

And here’s the thing – when really funny people are not just constantly doing their schtick – they’re doing you a favor. A big favor. Because even if someone is unbelievably hilarious and can make five great jokes a second, after about ten minutes you want to shoot him. There are some comedy writers and comedians who are always “on” and they are insufferable! The desperate need to be the center of attention and to be loved truly sucks all of the air out of the room.

Imagine being trapped in a Volkswagen driving across the country with Gallagher. You'd pray for The Rapture.

Mindy would have turned Mork over to the authorities in one week.

If you’re really funny you don’t have to prove it. You don’t have to always “top” someone when they say something funny. You don’t have to fill up every silence.

So when I’m at a party and the person I’ve just met says I sure don’t seem very funny I usually say “thank you”. And then ask him for legal advice, computer tech support, or free plumbing supplies, whatever it is he does.

ST. ELSEWHERE goes to CHEERS: the inside story

2011-06-05T05:39:00.000-07:00

In maybe the strangest cross-promotion in television history, there was an episode of ST. ELSEWHERE where three of their main characters went to the Cheers bar. Readers are always asking me about this scene so I thought I'd go to the source. John Masius is a multi-Emmy winning writer who co-wrote and produced the episode. He graciously has agreed to fill in the details. Many thanks, John. I'm very big about going to sources this week (while I'm in Seattle and don't have as much time to write.) First Dave Hackel and now John Masius.

how st.elsewhere came to cheers: a revisionist history

tom fontana, john tinker and i wrote the episode..bruce paltrow directed it..

the episode had three story arcs..westphal dealing with his autistic son,
craig coping with his mentor's alzheimer disease and auschlander coming to
grips with his own mortality..

we thought it would be fun to write a scene where the three friends met for a drink after work..something we had never done...and obliquely share their concerns and fears...so we thought why not the cheers bar? tartkoff loved the idea, paltow called his old friend burrows and they hashed the production constraints...one day to shoot during a cheers hiatus week...perleman and ratzenberger graciously signed on..

i wanted the coach behind the bar but he was dead...so creatively we decided to go for it and wrote essentially a one-act play that was the entire third act of the episode..due to the constraints of the three-camera set we shot pretty much in one direction..blew through 15 pages,twice our normal load in one day...

i remember it being a great fun day..the show turned out well...it was picked to be aired at our 20th anniversary event held at the paley museum of t.v. and beer-drinking...

the only negative feedback was from the charles bros who didn't like the dialogue we wrote
for carla and cliff...however their bastard step-brother ed charles, utility infielder extroidinaire for the '69 mets, was a big fan of the episode..

john masius

My commencement speech to the Class of '11

2011-06-04T05:32:00.000-07:00

June is the graduation time of year. I guess a hundred years ago those commencement speakers were inspiring and offered thoughts and insights that were new and fresh. But now, Jesus! Be your own person. Never give up. You have a responsibility to society. Success comes from within. Show courage. You can make a difference. Set aside time to smell the roses. Let faith be your guide. Blablablablabla.

I’ve never been asked to be a commencement speaker and that’s probably a good thing because here’s some of the advice I might give:

Live at home with your parents as long as you can. Otherwise you’ll have to find a job. Rents are high. And then there’s laundry, food, and the family big screen.

Know that the music you think is so cool now will be laughed at by future generations.

Same with clothes.

Don’t follow your current favorite group around the country for the next thirty years. That becomes sad year one.

If you are going to honor your dear departed kitty Fluffy with a tattoo make sure all your subsequent pets are also named Fluffy.

Eat bad foods. You’re at an age when you can get away with it. And eat them at midnight. There’s plenty of time in the future for watching your carbs, eating your vegetables, avoiding red meat, and laying off the Yodels and Ring Dings. Soon enough you won’t be able to eat a bite after 8:00 without spending the night in the porcelain canyon . Do you want fries with that? Damn right you do!

Don’t buy SUV’s.

Practice safe and frequent sex. Have many romances and then fall in love when you’re 30.

Go back and study the history of your chosen field. Things actually happened before 1995.

Don’t blame your parents for everything. Your peers screwed you up just as much.

Sleep. It’s better for you than Red Bull.

You can no longer take an "incomplete".

Prepare yourselves. There will come a day – in your lifetime – that they will stop making original episodes of THE SIMPSONS. I know you don't believe me but it's true.

There’s a special bond having shared the school experience together. Stay in touch with your classmates. Even the ones you’ve slept with.

Don’t invest money in video stores.

Read novels that aren’t graphic.

Join communities that aren't virtual.

Save your journal or private diary. In twenty years you’re going to get such laughs.

Dream big but always have contingency plans. And then have contingency plans for your contingency plans.

Keep your student ID card. Use it to get into movies cheaper.

Guys, don’t wear hats. You’ll have plenty of time for that later once you’ve lost your hair.

Never take comedy traffic school.

Buy your alcoholic beverages by the glass or bottle, not the keg.

And finally -- Don’t sweat it if you don’t know what you’re going to do with your life. There’s a good chance the job you'll eventually want hasn’t been invented yet.

Congratulations to the class of '11. Now get out there and don’t fuck up my Social Security.